Endless pain

Lonelywolf88

I have been battling depression, anxiety, addiction, grief and loss of my mum, and just a constant bad luck...

I feel that the world has constantly drags me down all day everyday that it's as if I don't deserve to live a meaningful and bearable life... I had a job that I wanted for years and thought that it is the one until a welfare check by the cops was done whilst at work (they went to my house and I wasn't there, they called me a few times and have answered the last call and had a agreement of me calling them back when I finish at work by 1am. They arrived at 12am! And had to be pulled away from the bar). And I knew when I saw them that this is gonna cost me my job which it did...

It seems like if I yarn about what my overly active head is thinking and has the context of feeling suicidal that I get into more trouble...

Maybe the world wants me to suffer in silence but I do know that if I do, then no one would be able to intervene and maybe I won't be here writing this post at all...

Maybe the world has been telling me that there's nothing here for me and that it's time to rest eternally with my loved ones above... Coz either way none of this pain is worth hoping and fighting for... I got no friends, barely have a relationship with my family and have bad habits just so I can get through... No matter how hard i try to do better, it is never enough to anyone including myself...

So, that's where I'm at now... I'm tired and exhausted from waking up each day like this...

white knight

Hi, welcome

Society has a large circular ring around it and some of us simply just dont fit inside it. Those inside it live life with few worries or the issues they have they handle with ease. Why is that? It's got a lot to do with the non existence of mental illness or tendency to worry or their make up. For us we are on the outside and only with proper treatment, maybe meds, therapy, self assistance and good decision making can we move close to that boundary and therefore exist in our world with minimalised issues. And thats the maximum we can aim for- to minimalise.... get closest to that boundary.

So when you describe "bad luck...the world has been telling me...no matter how hard I try... bad habits...over active mind...suicidal thoughts..." these can be addressed by category. So lets go through them -

Bad luck. It is true we make our own luck in life. This is usually combined with positive thinking, to be motivated and ambitious, to set goals and achieve them. The issue is that no amount of motivation can overcome an undiagnosed illness like depression, anxiety or disorder. Those need professional attention and subsequent treatment. So we can try all we like but without the fundamentals of proper care we wont achieve a lot.
Over active mind. I have bipolar. Part of that is mania. In fact initially I was misdiagnosed with ADHD so I know what an over active mind can do to us in everyday activities. These swings and roundabouts create issues, we have fewer friends, try hard but fall over our feet and because of that we think the world is against us. Again professional attention is the only relief because I'm living proof of a now calm and measured mind due to the right meds.
Suicidal thoughts. I've made an attempt 30 years ago. I've had about 6 breakdowns when I considered it. Please believe me when I tell you that we as individuals do have the ability to turn our lives around so that these thoughts drift away. It comes from several actions to be considered - seeking financial stability, having 2 or 3 real good friends, discarding toxic people, appreciating the fundamentals of life, activities like camping/hobbies and therapy.
Acceptance. Society can be cruel, unfair and it remembers your past. Accept that and work around it because it wont change. I often say "thats what life is"... it helps me accept that no matter the past it cant be changed.

I'd Like to see you get some help because you sound like a wonderful person that has had some tough times. That's ok, so many have had them and they have pulled themselves out of the dugout to succeed. What is successful? Success is heading in the right direction, doesnt matter how slow your progress.

"A snail begins its journey to the other side of the road, success is measured by the choice of dodging cars than remaining within a magpie's sight..." TWK

Reply anytime

TonyWK

Lonelywolf88

Thanks for replying and making me feel less lonely... All you've said does makes sense... Although the challenging part of all these is trying to seek help to those services that should be able to work with you and truly help you get over this hump but instead I get labelled with nasty and hurtful words...by having to deal with that kind of things are hard to understand and not think how bad I am... It feels like no matter what I do or try to say just to make everyone see that I am struggling and need extra support to keep myself safe and able to navigate through life manageable... And I just want to live a manageable life with understanding, loving, caring and emphatic people around me and that I can lean on when life gets tough on me... I need someone who can decode my words when I say things that probably aren't straight forward at times... But history shows that everyone I met so far has abused my kind, loving and generosity leaving me with nothing once they've sucked up everything out of me.. I can't trust anyone atm coz of me being treated the way that everyone has... And with that, it just makes me realise and has given me reasons to why I should let my demons win coz it feels like it's true... So how do you battle those nagging voice that pushes me to do what they wanted just because it's true.... I am so lost and feels defeated and that it is meAnt to happen even if I try.... I have indeed lost every hope in me...

therising

Hi Lonelywolf88

My heart goes out to you much, given what you've been through and are still going through. So incredibly challenging. I think there are times where we're not fully conscious of just how much is challenging us, besides the obvious.

Sometimes inner dialogue challenges aren't all that obvious until they become absolutely brutal. You can't necessarily feel the work up to 'brutal' but you can definitely feel it getting there at some point. Whether it's our inner critic that picks out all the things we've done 'wrong' or all the things we just can't do 'right', the saboteur in us that lures us into doing what's easy (which doesn't serve us), the inner pessimist that tends to point out everything that depressing or it's something else that has us fully convinced, it can definitely be tough to live with. While there can be ways of mastering the 'voices', a next level challenge can see us going back to the drawing board when it comes to how to manage under new challenging circumstances. Btw, I had no idea until a few years back that the 'Hearing Voices Network' exists. Whether they're the 'voices' of challenging inner dialogue, the 'voices' that come with schizophrenia or those that come from more of a spiritual/channeling perspective, all people are invited to explore what the network has to offer in the way of support, management and inspiration.

Not being able to let go of bad habits (aka 'coping strategies') can make you want to scream at times, that's for sure. As an ex emotional drinker and current emotional eater, I can relate to how questionable habits don't just help shift emotions. They can also be a part of the inner dialogue management, turning the volume down. At the end of the day, you just know they're not the best way to go but at the same time it can be hard to find the best way, the best direction. I can feel my emotional eating taking me south, in so many ways. While the body copes with what we do to it when we're younger, as a 56yo gal my body would be saying to me these days (if it had a voice) 'What the hell are you doing to me? You're making me sick!!!'. My body's literally sick of/from my bad habits.

I'm wondering whether your mum was somewhat of a guide for you and a bit of a sounding board. Without her, the challenges may feel magnified and so much harder to manage. Mums can be so much, all rolled into one. With me having lost my mum last year, I realise on top of everything she offered (in the way of making life just that little bit easier), she was also my comic relief. We don't always realise the impact of a little more laughter in life and some light hearted humor when it comes to the serious, stressful or depressing stuff. Finding the next best guide, support, comedian etc can be tough going but I'm a big believer that life can't be managed without a solid guide or set of guides at times. The question becomes 'Who's the next best guide, while I feel I can't manage alone?'. Sometimes, when that one person who was everything is no longer here, it can come down to finding a group of people who add up to everything. Btw, not sure if it would be handy to know but I had a dietician recently say to me something along the lines of 'If your usual resources for dopamine are no longer accessible (such as my mum), you're going to rely more heavily on that which gives you the hits you need. For you, it's food. You need to start finding new resources'. Some things help explain an increase in our addictions. We can be so hard on ourself until we figure out the reason for the increase.

To add one more 'voice' to the whole scenario, if life had a voice I imagine it says at times 'Okay, we're going next level now. You're going to need to develop some skills, recognise and tap into some of your natural abilities and find some solid guides and/or people who can relate in order to graduate to next level. Fasten your seatbelt. Here we go, whether you like it or not'.