Content with life.

[Ryan2021]

Does anyone else ever feel like their life has peaked already?

I am in my late 30s. I have some amazing memories of stuff I have done. So many dreams I had of things I wanted to do with my life, I have crossed them off. Things that I can never better.

I bought a house, sold it, bought a car, paid it off in half the time of the loan.

I lived to travel. I would work hard, save up, go travel. Come back broke and start again. Always planning the next one.

Covid has changed me, no travel, my long distance relationship ended with the girl I was madly in love with. Couldn't see her for 16 months and I was already struggling with that.

Before I was always so happy in life and never had bad days. I never understood about mental health issues because I thought life was amazing. And more-so when I came back from overseas when I first got together with my girlfriend. I got lots of comments from people about how happy I was.

Slowly it ground away at me and now it's rare I have a happy day. Just go to work, get paid. Get tired, go home and sleep... I put that fake persona on for work pretending I am always in a great mood to serve customers.... All For what?

I'm not taking the vaccine, too many reactions and people getting sick from it... which aren't being reported, only "it's good take it everyone go get it" I don't trust the government and the forcing of people to take it to keep jobs etc. It isn't tested enough for me. If everyone getting it is still alive in 1 or 2 years then I might consider it....

But I don't know if I want to stick around that long. I'm currently on a medical exemption of 6 months. So I can work and travel for 6 months. I am saving money. After it ends I probably can't work, can't travel so won't have much left. Will have to go back to my parents house and just be a burdon on them because I can't work and have my own place. And don't really want to because they were against the vaccine too but then suddenly changed and went and got it like they were brainwashed into it. Now are trying to tell me to get it so it want be a comfortable place to live anyway

I have done so many great things and don't really have any further plans for my life than maybe get married. But that also isn't seeming likely. I am starting to feel like it might be better to just end it on my terms instead of getting old and slowly falling apart. I am happy with my past and I am content with my life. Still 6 months to try and do a few more things! After that who knows

[Sophie_M]

Hi Ryan,

Thanks for posting to the Beyond Blue forums and sharing with us what's been on your mind. 
We're sorry to hear about the separation from your partner, did this happen very recently? it sounds as though you really care for them. We can hear that you have some serious concerns about the vaccine, is there anyone you feel comfortable speaking with about this? and would anything make you feel more comfortable in receiving the vaccine? Whatever you feel is the right choice, please know life can get better and there are so many great memories ahead of you.  If the coronavirus restrictions are making things harder for you at the moment, then we'd recommend taking a look at our dedicated Coronavirus Mental Wellbeing Support Service where you will find a lot of targeted information as well as another 24/7 helpline staffed by specially trained mental health professionals. Thanks again for reaching out and we hope that you find some comfort here in the words of wisdom and kindness that our community can offer. 

[james1]

Hey Ryan2021,

I'm sorry to hear you feel like your life's really just gone downhill since covid and your separation. It sounds like you were really happy before and your life has felt really amazing until recently. It must be really tough to try and work this out now on your own, and not have any plans to look forward to either, especially travel-wise.

I am only 30 so I don't have much in the way of life experiences compared to you, but I've dealt with mental health issues for most of my life, and certainly in a more serious way in the last 5 years. What can be really tough is when we start to feel down, it becomes a bit cyclical without us realising or knowing what to do about it. When I was quite depressed about 5 years ago, I found myself losing energy to do things and losing motivation. There were times when I could see options to improve my life and do things I once wanted to do, but it seemed a bit pointless or uninteresting. Things that weren't obstacles, suddenly became a lot harder to overcome. Things I enjoyed, didn't seem to be able to offset the energy required to do them. And as I did less, I started to feel worse and it was a really bad cycle.

So what I'm trying to say is what you're experiencing is totally understandable, and I know it is really hard to see the point of more life, especially if you feel like you've already done what you wanted to do. But perhaps there isn't really a point right now. Perhaps the question is really: how do we help you feel better about now, and today? Rather than trying to measure the 'point' of living by what might come in the future, how can we make today and tomorrow a better day, so you don't have to feel like each day is a monotonous day of going to work and putting on a mask for everyone else?

Do you have any hobbies or other things you like to do, to break up the monotony of your current working life?

James

[Ryan2021]

Hey Sophie.

Thanks for your reply. The separation was about 3 months ago now. I was working hard to get us reunited. We are still talking and could potentially get back together, I am saving to go for a few months and hope to get out before my exemption runs out. If the borders close again it could push me off the cliff.

I am sort of ok currently just living in hope to see her in person again. Even if it's to say goodbye properly. It was a hard 16 months living through video calls and having flights and plans cancelled.

[Ryan2021]

Hey James,

Thanks for your message. I'm not much older than you.

I still have energy and motivation to do things because it keeps me busy from just being alone thinking about stuff.

But I am slowly getting tired. I have worked hard and long hours for years and don't really have the want to get my own house and stuff in the future.

I started a hobby at the start of this year, something I love and always wanted to do. It helped because it got my mind off how much I was missing my girl. Then lockdown came and took that away too.

Still doing it and love it but it's sort of just another thing I wanted to so that's crossed off the list and it isn't frequent enough to keep me going.

It sounds like you have been through a lot of how I feel so I thank you for getting in touch!

[therising]

Hi Ryan

I feel for you so much as you face so many challenges in the way of reforming yourself. Personally, I think the lockdowns kinda deformed us and you can really feel it in ways. Living in Victoria, I can honestly say the way the lockdowns played out here was depressing. With a history of depression, I've never worked so hard and so much to stay out of depression than I did throughout those lockdowns. If someone suddenly announced 'The lockdowns were actually a psychological test', I definitely felt the test.

Being one of those mind/body/spirit gals, I felt the test on all 3 levels. It sounds like you felt/feel it too

1. What it does to you mentally, you can pick in the way you're internal dialogue changes. You can pick it in the way your perception shifts
2. What it does to you physically, you can feel in the way your chemistry alters. The dopamine hits you no longer receive from adventure, catching up with people socially and so on, you can feel the lack of dopamine. That's just a start when it comes to how we're physically reformed through lockdowns
3. What it does to you naturally can really mess with your 'I am', who you naturally are. 'I am a natural adventurer, I am naturally a close contact lover (not a long distance one), I am naturally a 'social junkie' (someone who gets high just on social contact alone), I am a natural visionary who can see all the things that will lead me to evolve in exciting ways, I am a naturally excitable/hyperactive person who thrives on a variety of activity'. The list goes on when it comes to who we naturally are. So, lockdowns require suppressing who we naturally are. Nothing wrong with a bit of suppression occasionally but when such suppression is ongoing, suppression can trigger depression. You can lose your sense of self. You can even begin grieving for that lost sense of self, which is perfectly natural

Like yourself, I have serious concerns about the vaccines. To me, something feels off. Just about everyone I work with has said the same thing, 'Something tells me not to get it'. Mind you, we've all been double dosed. I work in aged care. Perhaps we should leave a percentage of the population unvaccinated. This way, if anything did go wrong, you'd have 2 groups to compare. My heart absolutely sank the other day when they announced 12 and under can be vaccinated now.

When you've come to life the 1st time, the question becomes 'How do I come to life again?' Surrection and resurrection are 2 very different processes.

[james1]

Hey Ryan2021,

I hear you. It can be really draining just getting on with life and plans, when the things that brought us the most happiness - travel, a loved one - suddenly are gone from our lives.

Did you want to share what this hobby is, which you started earlier this year? No worries if not.

I hope you're doing okay today, and finding ways to keep your mind distracted and busy. I bought a fun board game called "Micro Macro", which is essentially like a detective Where's Wally. It's just a drawn map where you can follow people around and try to track down where the people have been, and what led them to the crime, then where they went. I've been really enjoying it 🙂

James