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I wish I meant something
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I wasn’t sure where to write this but I guess most things I feel are out of place anyway. I’ve been struggling a lot for a while . For a while I was avoiding my friends because my anxiety had overcome me and I quiet enjoyed being alone. For the past few weeks I guess I’ve been interacting a bit more but there’s so many stuff pumping through my brain that I can’t fully escape I can’t be better for them and I’ve let that full us apart. I found out yesterday one of my friends who I used to be incredibly close to and is such an amazingly wonderful being, is dating someone. I was incredibly happy that she is happier now and I had assumed she was dating this person for a while. But for some reason it also made me very upset, not because I liked her romantically but I guess I felt a jealous, not of her relationship but I saw her texting them and she looked so happy and beautiful and all I could think was “remember when your texts would make her smile” for some reason that got over me and I had an anxiety attack and a huge wave of depression resulting in some bad thoughts and relapse of self-harm also partly because I was misgendered a lot that night and feeling very dysphoric. I really hate myself and I feel like everyone hates me and everything I do is bad and ruins everything. I just wish I meant something to someone like I used to, I wish a was a friend people liked and smiled with and couldn’t wait to her a reply from but now I’m just there but I’m not really anywhere at all. What is wrong with me and how can I fix myself? please help me.
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Thanks for participating in the forums this morning,
We appreciate you sharing your story here with us and we hope we can help to explore some of these thoughts and feelings with you. We're sorry to hear you feel as though no one cares for you and that you can't do anything right. Have you been able to share these feelings with someone in your life? We understand this can be very hard to do but we think speaking to someone close to you might relieve some of your stress and provide some reflection.
It might also be beneficial for you to speak with a mental health professional. If you're unsure how to go about this, you might like to look over the following article: https://au.reachout.com/articles/getting-and-using-a-mental-health-care-plan
It sounds like you're in a really exhausting situation. If you don't have many friends where you are at the moment, we'd suggest joining some local support groups. You can find information on support groups is available on the Black Dog Institute site here - https://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/resources-support/support-groups/
We have also sent you an email privately to check in with your well-being.
We hope to hear more from you soon.
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Thank you Sophie,
At the moment I don't have anyone close to me in which i feel comfortable talking too. I am seeing a physiatrist monthly although i find it very difficult to talk to her, i have been trying to open up to her more and a few weeks ago i mentioned i was trans and how distressing it made me but i felt i was being slightly judged and uncomfortable doing so considering I'm not out to my family or many people. I will look into joining the groups and links sent so thank you for that, i really appreciate it.
-Gekota
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Hi Gekota,
Wellcome to our forums!
Im sorry you have been feeling this way.
You are one beautiful human being no matter what you are! You really are….. love you for you…… the most beautiful and amazing thing we can do for ourselves and others is to love ourselves because then we have more love to give.
Well-done for telling your psychiatrist you were trans I know that must have been difficult for you….
Im sorry you had an anxiety attack. jealousy is a normal emotion and it’s ok…..
If you aren’t really comfortable with your current psychiatrist maybe you could see a different one that you feel more comfortable with if you want to. Or even a phycologist.
Im sorry you feel like there is no one close to you that you can talk to, please know that your people are out there and you will meet them…
Please know that we are a very caring supportive community and are here for you.
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Hey there Gekoda,
I'm really glad that you've decided to open up and reach out here.. I know it isn't easy, but I appreciate that you've taken that step. I hope you can consider this a safe space for you to share and vent about anything you need to that you're comfortable with. We care and we're here to listen whenever you need it.
From what you've written, it sounds like you're taking responsibility for the distance between you and your friends and that's been weighing on you a lot.. I may be wrong, but from my perspective, you didn't have the mental energy due to your anxiety to fully engage in your friendships, and you needed time alone. I don't think it's fair to punish yourself for that, but of course it's understandable that you feel pain that you aren't as close to your friends as you used to be. But it was more than a choice you made.. It comes down to what you were capable of. I hope you can someday be fair on yourself and patient with yourself in that respect..
It sounds like you're grieving your friend because you feel that now they have a significant other, they're filling a space that you used to fill (even if not romantic). You are not selfish for feeling jealousy.. Do you think it would be possible for you to rekindle the closeness you had with this friend? There's nothing wrong with you for grieving the friendship you used to have with someone. It's one of the hardest things you can experience.
You mentioned that you had an anxiety attack and a big wave of depression take over, leading to bad thoughts.. If you're comfortable with answering, were you having any suicidal thoughts?
I'm really sorry that you were misgendered a lot that night too.. With everything else going on, I can see the dysphoria added more and more pain and it was too much to cope with leading to a relapse. There is nothing wrong with you.. Please don't say that. At the time it was too much and you didn't know where to turn. Finding coping techniques and ways to ground yourself are all part of recovery, and you will get there, I have faith.
You should never feel judged by a mental health professional.. I hope you know that it is possible for you to look into seeing a different one. Perhaps you could go in to see a GP on your own and ask for a psychiatrist who is known to be supportive of LGBTQIA+ communities (doesn't have to be one that specialises.. Just someone more open minded and empathetic).
I hope to hear from you ❤️
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Thank you very much for your kind words. It’s very difficult to love yourself, especially when your transgender because it feels as though you will never be completely who you feel you I don’t feel I can love myself if I don’t feel like myself. I’m working on it though. I will also take into account possibly finding a new physiatrist although it may be difficult as there are very long waiting lists. Once again thank you for your support.
-Gekota
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Hello Isabella,
when things became worse for me it also started to have an effect on the people around me, It made my friends sad and hate themselves and it all feels like I’m responsible so I would try to stay away when I was feeling bad so I wouldn’t make them feel worse because some of them were begging to feel better again and I didn’t want to drag them down again. It wasn’t much really because I never did anything around them I was stuck in my mind so when I started hiding away from them I felt that if they didn’t have to see me they wouldn’t feel as sad.
I feel it may be a bit far calling it grief but it feels like maybe I’m grieving for my old self. I’m slightly worried my friends partner thinks I like my friend in a romantic way and don’t like them although I just find it very difficult to talk and interact with people I don’t know as well and my friend she is one of The only people other then my parents and brother which I can sometimes talk to, not deeply but like most people would talk to a friend. And when I started thinking her partner hates me I though if I say something I’m probably bothering them or interrupting or annoying them and it makes me want to zip my mouth up and silence myself. I know it’s stupid.
I would like to remake our friendship but I’m worried her partner will think I’m trying to take her away from her or something.
to be honest I’m not sure what should be considered as a suicidal thought, I was thinking “your so stupid. I hate you. You ruin everything. It would be better if you were dead. Kill yourself. Your a waste. If you weren’t alive then they wouldn’t be sad. You make everything worse. Everyone hates you. I wish I could just die and never come back” ect. I don’t know. I know it probably doesn’t sound like good to think, I know it’s not. and I know healthy people don’t think like that but I wasn’t planning to kill my self or anything.
I’ve been trying to use more coping techniques and I have been doing better at that, maybe not to others people but I’m trying. As I am under 18 I’m not sure I’m allowed to see a GP on my own but I was thinking of going to a LGBTQ+ support group my school holds each week next year and seeing the school councillor.
I really really appreciate your message and the time you took out of your day to write it and help someone who you don’t even know. I cannot thank you enough. Thank you for everything you have said it means a lot.
-Gekota.
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Thank you for your bravery and openness in sharing here. We can hear things have been really difficult and it’s really good that you could share this with lovely people like Isabella_ and Petal22.
We are checking in with you privately, but we just wanted to pop in and let you know that you would absolutely be able to speak to the GP about this. You don’t have to be 18 to make an appointment on your own. There’s some advice about talking to the GP here.
We think that QLife would be an awesome organisation to talk to. They provides anonymous, LGBTI peer support and referral for people wanting to talk about a range of issues including sexuality, identity, gender, bodies, feelings or relationships.. You can call them on 1800 184 527. You could also talk to KidsHelpline on 1800 55 1800 or Headspace on 1800 650 890. All of these options are also available through webchat, if you'd prefer:
- QLife (3pm – midnight AEDT)
- Kids Helpline
- Headspace (9am-1am AEDT)
Kind regards,
Sophie M
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Hey Gekota
I'm glad I've helped in some way 🙂 It's really great that you're considering going to support groups and seeing your school counsellor.. I saw mine throughout year 9 and she was so incredible and helpful for me.
I can tell you have a lot of empathy for people around you and you didn't want to make your friends feel worse 😞 I get the feeling you're really sensitive to peoples feelings and thoughts.. And sometimes that can be to your detriment.
You don't want your friends partner to feel like you're trying to take them away, and you feel that they don't like you.. I hope that this isn't the case. Sometimes when we are fearful of something or have low self esteem, we tend to try and find evidence for those beliefs.. And sometimes that can mean thinking that we are hated by someone, or an inconvenience. I have social anxiety and that's something I've come to realise personally.. I had the belief that I wasn't interesting and as a result, every new person I spoke to I thought would think the same.
That's a realisation I came to during therapy, and learning how to call myself out when I'd have those thoughts. I'm really glad to hear that you've been using coping techniques, they are really hard to try and stick to especially in the beginning. But hey, the fact that you're trying and getting better means more than you know, even if they don't work at times or you end up relapsing. It doesn't wipe away and invalidate your effort at all.
It's hard to hear that you feel like you're grieving the person you used to be. I'm glad that's something you've realised though. I think I use the word grief sort of casually at times, but it is a genuine physical feeling and emotional pain in response to loss..
I'm glad you were comfortable replying to the suicidal thoughts question. It sounds like you might be having something called passive suicidal ideation, aka thoughts about not wanting to be alive. Even if you don't make an active plan or anything these thoughts are very real and can evolve..
By the sounds of things, you seem like you want to get better and you're considering ways to do that, and that's so amazing 🙂 This article is one I found helpful in understanding confidentiality when seeing a doctor: https://au.reachout.com/articles/how-age-affects-confidentiality
Depending on your state, you'll be able to see a GP completely confidentially without worry of your parents finding out anything. Your doctor will outline the things they'll have to disclose.
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Hello Isabella,
Thank you for sharing with me some of your experience in similar situations with anxiety and friends/people it was very helpful to know a possible reason for why i feel like everyone around me hates me, it made a lot of sense i guess i just hope its true that its just in my head. And i personally think you are a very interesting and lovely person and although i know its hard to believe that yourself i hope you do or one day will realize that. My parents are very supportive of the LGBTQ community luckily, and they already think I'm gay (i overheard them discussing/ suspecting it and there okay with it) and i have been thinking of telling them i am trans by writing a letter so that it will be better to get help with my dysphoria and more understanding so i hope they will refer to me by my preferred pronouns and identifications if all goes well. I do feel quite nervous about the idea of seeing a doctor on my own but i will deficiently look into it as a possibility and other ways to find support and understanding my people in similar situations with identity.
thank you again it has been really great speaking with you Isabella.
-gekota