Would you bother living if you were like me?

[personunknown]

-Extremely ugly, I have never had a relationship, i have been called ugly multiple times and girls have said 'ew' to me. I'm genetically inferior, I have low testosterone, a big forehead, rounded face, inability to grow facial hair or muscle no matter how well I work out, skinny and feminine, all traits which are unattractive for women.

-Low intelligence, probably the lowest scoring in some of my classes, I'm ashamed to even show up to school every day because of how stupid I am, It's embarrassing to have people laugh at you because of how stupid you are, and yet you have to play along to not be made fun of for being sensitive.

This may only be two reasons, but tens of reasons spur from each, with a few dictated previously. With these two problems, I will never be successful in life, and will never be loved by anyone. I'm forever chasing a career made for people twice my IQ. I can't take being rejected anymore, it's humiliating and makes me truly realise how disgusting I am, and how ashamed of myself I should be. I want someone in this world to appreciate me for who I am, but every girl is always too good for me. They always go for men that are better than me in every perceivable way. I don't blame them, I would do it too if were them. It just hurts so bad - worse than any physical pain - when I see a woman I love with another man, while being disgusted by me. I would be ashamed and embarrassed to be seen in public with me as a partner. I just wish I wasn't a disgusting sub-human. I wish i was good looking and smart enough to be successful and loved by someone. The thought of someone appreciating me or even holding my hand makes me so excited until I realise it will never happen. What is the point of a life without success and love? I'm sick of punishing and torturing myself because I deserve it. I'm sick of crying myself to sleep. I'm sick of seeing the disgusting thing I have to call my body in the mirror. I wish assisted suicide was given to people with lives not living. I'm too afraid to kill myself. Every time I tried I woke back up or was too scared to do it. No amount of anti-depressants can make me smart and good looking, which is why I will never take them again. They do nothing. I can't be fixed. I have to choose between living a meaningless existence as an ugly, stupid sorry-excuse of a human being, if you can even call me that. Is suicide the answer in my case when I already know my future won't get better due to things I can't change?

[Sophie_M]

Hey personunknown,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums,

We're sorry to hear you're struggling with these feelings and thoughts, feeling this way towards yourself must be so overwhelming and painful. We know it seems hard to believe, but please know that not everyone perceives you in the way you see yourself. For example, being skinny and having a round face is attractive to some people. And even though you feel like the least intelligent person in the class, it also sounds like you're going through a lot. Depression and anxiety can really intervene with comprehension and learning. We know it feels as though everyone is rejecting you but sometimes when we reject ourselves, we close ourselves off to others leading them to move away. We can hear how empty and horrible you feel right now, but please know you're strong and there are good times ahead of you. 

If you feel it may be helpful, you are always welcome to get in touch with Kids Help Line. They are a confidential and anonymous, telephone and online counselling service specifically for young people aged 25 and under. We’d also welcome you to reach out to our Support Service, which is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport.

We've also sent you a message via private message/email.

We hope that you keep checking back in and let us know how you are going when you feel up to it. We're all here for you.
 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I'm sorry you are feeling so down on yourself. I apologize for us not replying further.

There is actually every reason for living so after saying that you'll have to trust me somewhat that I know what I'm talking about because- I've been there, in your situation when young. I'm now 65yo.

I was bullied at school and at home by my mother. I left to join the Air Force at 17yo and the bullying wasnt allowed there so I improved mentally and slowly recovered. By 21yo I began working in a jail as a warder so my confidence obviously improved by then.

My message therefore is-

• You will improve your confidence over time as your life experiences grow
• You will learn about other people in that they have likes and dislikes- some girls wont even notice your forehead is large, you feel you have low intelligence or she might not even like facial hair.
• The fashion atm is to return to facial hair, manbuns and the like. Fashion comes and goes and in 10 years time no facial or chest hair might be the rage. I've seen this all my life. Girls do like some muscle and that is an area all men can improve. In fact a gym daily workout will not only build muscle but gain your self esteem and a chance to meet others.
• The fact that this condition leads you to cry yourself to sleep means you do indeed require some form of professional assistance, even ongoing. I had a terrible condition (as well as bipolar) in dysthymia a condition that made me cry all the time. With simple treatment it turned my life around. That is just one example.
• To make life worthwhile you need to face some important baby steps. Seek out a professional via your GP, take whatever meds you are prescribed and give them a chance, have faith that you would be attractive to some girls especially the ones that have the same issues you face and try to like the positive things about yourself. Positivity is learned and it changed my life.

I have a few good threads you can click onto. Just read the first post.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/30-minutes-can-change-your-life

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/anxiety/worry-worry-worry

and this one below is an ongoing thread that you can join others in a chat about it

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/do-you-like-yourself-your-thoug...

Reply anytime, would love to hear what you think.

TonyWK

[Ryan2021]

Hey mate! Just read your post and thought I would reply to you. I went through a lot of what you have said. I am now in my late 30s.

I was bullied in school always, and also from my sisters friends. I have red hair, big ears, freckles. Got called ugly a fair bit too. I spent many recess and lunch breaks sitting alone and sad.

I didn't have a girlfriend until I got to 19, I always wanted a beautiful girl and always was attracted to one's way outside my league or what I thought it was. I couldn't talk to girls at all and had no confidence. Was scared of sex because I was no good at it (and still aren't haha) Once a female friend said to me "I wish I could find your personality in a better looking guy" - this has stuck with me forever.

I completed school, found work in a place suited to my capabilities, then slowly learnt more and more about my job. I found my first girlfriend on a dating app because I could talk to her on a screen before actually meeting in person which made things easier. It didn't work out in the end but I learnt a lot which helped me more recently I found a girl who loved everything about me. She loved my hair colour, the way I looked, my personality, didn't care about my sex, just said we will practice together and she accepts it and I don't need to worry.

Keep fighting bud. Your job is out there, start at the bottom and work your way up. It's all learning, some places will just appreciate you for being on time and trying your best! Warehouse work is good, try pick packing or something! Picking orders is easy and you do the same thing over and over so you get better at it as you work.

Your girl is out there and she is going to love everything about you! It's just a matter of finding her You have values. It sounds like you're still in school? Life changes so drastically once school ends.

Keep at it and reach out here if you need more help. 🙂