Constantly in this negative train

[PocketRocket88]

TW Suicidal ideations, urges

I honestly don't know where else to get help from... My local hospital seemed to not take the necessary step to help me out with my problem... Whenever I present to their ED they just do all the ED stuff and then just discharges me even when I still pose a risk to myself... I even verbalise to them directly that I am not safe to go home... I feel so rejected and defeated right now... I'm actually afraid to go home nowadays coz of how strong my ideations and urges are lately... Plus how vivid these ideations are... I have community mental health support but I just feel that I'm not supported enough or for them my problem is not as bad as I feel or imagine it to be...

I feel like I'm going more mental and that I'm making all these things up... The only way I sort off have to keep myself safe is by either forcing myself to sleep as soon as I get home or if I'm just at home OR I have to keep busy with work (which depends on how much shift they'd give me)... I am trying to take on a new hobby which is bejewelling a portrait of a rose that I bought in Big W the other day... I can only do so much, so what do I do when I ran out of options to distract myself? Or what do I do when I'm so stuck in my head that I can't stop myself from going thru the plan which btw is always in play it's just a matter of trying to put it off every waking day...

ive been diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder, depression and anxiety. I was on meds but due to conflicting information between different doctors I decided to stop taking them for months now... Due to a very limited number of psychology sessions under Medicare, I had to spread my appointment very thin specially now that I'm only left with 4-5 sessions for the year... Just got approved for NDIS funding just waiting for the allocation of budget. I have a community mental health support worker that's under my local hospital... Even with all these I still feel unheard, ignored and/or not taken seriously specially when my suicide plan is pretty serious... Also I live alone so if I do anything without telling someone no one would ever know... It scares me a little bit but each time I get rejected and ignored my fear seemed to slowly disappears and I know that one day I won't be scared I. Feeling this way because I feel exhausted

[PocketRocket88]

I need some kind of reprieve from this agony I'm feeling...

I'm stuck and couldn't seem to get past this overwhelming urge to end this pain and suffering.... I tried to dig deep within me to find a reason why I shouldn't but Instead I came out with a few more reason why I should give in to the urge... Don't know where else I can go from here...

[PocketRocket88]

Got released from hospital yesterday… I was almost begging the doctors to let me stay one more night as I’m still a risk to myself but instead they still discharged me. I tried to end my pain and suffering even whilst I was in ED.

My ideations and urge remains the same… I couldn’t get myself out of this loop… it seems that this will be a never ending battle that one day it’ll consume all of me… at a brink of breaking and just fully giving up. I can’t continue like this, I know why you’s will be saying ‘that there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel’ if there is a light at the end this tunnel how come I can’t see it… clocks ticking and my time is running short and it’s just a matter of time when I just won’t reach out and just do it… I am indeed nearly at my wits end now. I don’t know where to get help or anything that could help me…

[Sophie_M]

Hey there,

Thanks for sharing an update with us, PocketRocket88.

We're sorry to hear that was your experience in ED. It sounds like a really difficult few days, but it's really good that you're sharing here, continuing to persevere and reaching out when you're not feeling safe. Sharing this with us is a really strong and powerful action, so thank you for being brave and open. 

Hopefully, we'll hear from some of the community once they spot your post, but in the meantime, our team has reached out to you to check in and see if we can offer some more immediate support. We'd also love for you to reach out to us directly, on 1300 22 4636 or online. We're really sorry that you've had this experience where you're asking for help and not really getting the support you need. That's really tough, and we'd love to chat and work out some alternative next steps with you.

Maybe you could help guide the community by sharing a bit about what you think might help you to stay safe while you're dealing with this?

Thanks again, PocketRocket88. It's not easy to share here but it's such a brave and powerful thing to do. 

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

[therising]

Hi PocketRocket88

That's so incredibly distressing and disappointing, coming out of hospital with the same mindset. Having learned from experience that you can kind of be left twisting in the wind once you get out, the question becomes 'Where am I meant to go from here?'. To be fair, while hospital staff do an admiral job in saving our life, the sad part is they won't necessarily change it for the better. Not knowing how to change it is the worst part in coming out of there.

That 'light at the end of the tunnel' factor is definitely frustrating, to say the least. It wasn't until I gained a different understanding of my depression that I came to make better sense of the tunnel. I flipped it sideways. It went from a tunnel to a well. So the question became 'How did I get down there?'. So many things came to mind that allowed me to make sense of things. The light (enlightenment) came from a lot of the detective work involved, becoming more aware of the steps, stages or triggers down into the depression.

Have you ever worked on or have been led to work on what has led you down to where you now find yourself? There can be an enormous amount of factors. A lot can happen suddenly such as with trauma and all the factors relating to that trauma or there can be a gradual way down that's not so obvious, that can happen over a period of years. Then there are the factors that keep you down there (depressing situations, a depressing lack of enlightenment and/or self understanding, depressing people who refuse to help make a difference to you or don't know how to make a difference or intentionally or unintentionally keep you down, a depressing chemical imbalance, a depressing lack of energy that can come with a depressing level of mental and emotional exhaustion, a depressing lack of inspiration, a depressing combination of belief systems which won't allow you to raise yourself beyond where you are). While there can be even more factors, sometimes you realise you're working through all of the above. Truth is, it takes an incredible person to be working through all that.

With flipping the tunnel sideways, the light is not at the end but at the top. So the question becomes 'What will it take to raise you?'.

[PocketRocket88]

TW SEVERE SUICIDAL IDEATION AND URGES

I think I expect way too much from people that I always get disappointed... I always try to see the good in people and trust them with everything. But almost always they use, abuse and make me feel like an idiot for giving them all of me to a point that I got nothing left for myself... Time and time again I let people in and time and time again they bring me down to my knees... This is probably the comedown talking but I am dead serious when I say that I would rather be dead than go thru life in agony and pain... It's not worth it, my life is not worth living. Everyone including my family and friends are better off once I'm dead... I will no longer fight and just accept defeat.... I don't want to prolong this agony inside me, I just want to get off this carousel and be free from the chains that's holding me back...there's no light at the end of my tunnel coz it's barricaded by a wall... I'll just sit at the bottom of this well

[Sophie_M]

Hi PocketRocket88,

We can hear you’ve been dealing with self-harm and thoughts of suicide. Please know that you deserve to feel better, and it’s incredibly strong and resilient to have shared what’s going on with us here.   

While feeling suicidal or having thoughts about harming yourself, it's important that you take immediate steps to keep safe. If you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about suicide or self-harm this is an emergency and you need to call 000 (triple zero).

If you're safe, please reach out to Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467), who can talk things through with you, and help you to plan for your safety. The Beyond Blue safety planning app might be worth looking at, too. You can read about how it works and where to download it here. You can even call Lifeline and compete it with one of their counsellors over the phone.

We’re reaching out to you privately to offer some support. You can reach us directly on the Beyond Blue Support Service. We are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 and our counsellors are really good at talking people through moments like this and working out options for more support. You can also reach out online, here.

While we're waiting to hear from some of our lovely community members here on your thread, we'd recommend having a look at some previous discussions from members who've shared what's helped them through moments like this, here. 

Thanks again for sharing. It’s a powerful and brave first step towards feeling better.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[therising]

Hi PocketRocket88

What would you say makes you more sensitive than most? Would you say you seem to be a more compassionate person, a more thoughtful person. Maybe you're a bit of a deep thinker, a philosopher of sorts, often wondering about things. Are you someone who can feel the needs of others more than they can feel your needs? Maybe you're someone who works hard to be inspirational for others yet when it comes to your need for inspiration they just don't do it for you. I find that last one to be a seriously tough one to manage. I can really relate to it. Perhaps, like myself, you're someone who can spend hours or days on and off in some form of thoughtful meditation, meditating on a solution or answer, wondering and thinking so deeply about exactly what another person needs to be able to really feel inspiration. Then you take them there and they feel it.

PocketRocket88, I find those who can be insensitive to be so deeply wounding and depressing at times. Do you ever find you can be incredibly careful with your words when you speak to others and it's like they're quite happy to give themselves the freedom to say whatever they like? Then you feel what they say hit your heart and your heart just sinks, taking you with it. Maybe at some point you even start to get angry. A bit like 'How dare those bleeping bleeps give themselves the freedom to say whatever they bleeping want!'.

For someone who's a real feeler, the comedown can be seriously brutal, that's for sure. You can feel how dark it gets and how deep it goes. While I left long term depression behind me some years ago, I still have occasional episodes. They can get very dark very fast. I found it's a part of the brutal side of being a feeler. It's a cruel way to find out but I believe all feelings have a spectrum. Pure love at one end, pure hatred at the other. Pure joy at one end, pure sadness at the other. Pure inspiration and pure hopelessness or despair at the other end. I've found it's the pure aspect, the complete unadulterated aspect, that leads us to feel the overwhelming nature of the absolute depths of depression, to the point where it feels unbearable. In this state, every lie becomes believable, including the ones that dictate we're worthless and we shouldn't be here.

[PocketRocket88]

1. Here I am again... In this never ending cycle... How does one get off this merry go round... My mind has indeed taken over me and that I can no longer fight... I give up and I have accepted the fact that my story will end.. Sorry world for being bad at it but we both know that I've done my best... And that's all I can do....

[PocketRocket88]

I know I’m someone who takes peoples needs before mine… even if I had to give all I got just to help someone out… I know that by doing so would always lead to disappointments and yet I still do it… time and time again I keep doing the same and ending up in the same position… I just couldn’t go and not help someone out when I can… I think that’s where I’m going wrong… I feel aweful inside when I don’t help when I can actually help someone out… so do I live with that aweful feeling or do I go out of my way to help someone out and end up being let down?

I had an eventful 24 hrs… the venue that I’ve been hired to work in has finally opened… I worked from 4pm til 2am… it was a long shift but I get good after working: I got overwhelmed at the first half hour or so whilst on shift but got it together in the end… and now after having few wee hours of sleep, I now am struggling mentally once again… this relentless on going problem just wouldn’t stop and let me have even just a few hours of normality… the urge is not the usual but have shifted  to something else… how does one go about the day when your head is messed up… it’s again pushing me to that end and taking that leap just to stop this madness in my head… when will this ever stop? It seems like whenever something good happens I suddenly will hit a brick wall that I couldn’t seem to tear down… it feels like it’s time to stop and just give into the urge just so everything will then end and I will finally free from this agony within my head… this might be a selfish act but everyone should understand the pain I’m in right now and that giving into the urge is the only way to be free from this chain. 

[Croix]

Dear PocketRocket88~

I hope you do not mind me popping in to your conversation here. I've read this one and your  previous one:

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/suicidal-thoughts-and-self-harm/when-will-this-end-tw-suicidal-i...

And I'm worried about you

After all you have not been helped anything like as much as you wished by ED, your psychiatric team or others, and that can be a pretty frightening when one is afraid of what one might do, be it harming oneself or taking one's life.

Just to let you know I've had exactly the same fear and felt there was no path open to  me to feel better.

Do you mind if I ask a couple of questions - no obligation to reply? It might make our conversation more useful for you

You talked about the obligation you feel to help others, trying you hardest, but it ends up in disappointment. Would you like to give some examples about what has gone wrong?

I too feel the same urge to step in and help, though frankly I've reached a more comfortable level now and do not step in nearly so often. This partly becuse my efforts were very temporary and did not lead anywhere.

I might help someone get their car fixed so they could work, but the next thing they'd let it run out of oil. Or I'd have an expectation if I helped them wiht a chore I would have appreciated a hand to help me with a chore  in return. Never happened of course.

Another thing was if someone told me something in confidence they said they'd never be able to tell anyone else -then they simply went off and told others I'd feel I'd been taken for a ride.

This did not make me feel good about myself - more of a doormat actually.

Now I don't know if your experiences are the same or different, I'd appreciate an idea.

The other question was about going to work ('m glad you have work now), you did say getting the work and the first part of hte shift was difficult, but later on you felt better. Can you say what you think it might be that helped there?

I do hope you come back and we can talk some more

Croix