When will this end… TW suicidal Ideation

PocketRocket88 · ‎22-04-2022

I’ve been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, Anxiety and Depression a couple of years ago. If anyone knows what bpd is, it explains everything I am not just after i got diagnosed but probably throughout my life. One massive symptom of it is having suicidal ideation and urges as well as suicidal behaviour/attempts and risky behaviours. So for years, day in and day out, I constantly have this nagging thought of killing myself and sometimes just hurt myself. But in the past week or two, this has turned to the worst. I’ve been in and out of hospital lately, but the thing is no matter what my local hospital won’t involuntarily admit me when I still pose a risk to myself… but to be frank I honestly believe that there’s no one can do now, I feel that I’m pass being helped. I’ve tried almost everything, if not all, possible things I can do to help myself including reaching out to services for support. But no matter what I still end up in this hole I’m in right now.,and it’s exhausting. So ye., I don’t know what else to do now and don’t know if it will get better.

Sophie_M · ‎22-04-2022

Hi PocketRocket88,

Welcome to the forums and to this lovey and supportive community. We are really sorry to hear that you are having these intense feelings at the moment and that they are having such an impact on your life. Thank you for showing such courage in posting and sharing that experience - you never know who will read this post and feel less alone on their own journey.

If you feel unsafe at anytime, it is important to call 000 straight away. You can also call Lifeline on 13 11 14 for crisis support or our team at Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636.

If a phone call is not right for you at the moment, that is ok and you can try these webchat options instead

Thank you again for joining this community, we hope that you can join other conversations that resonate with you and read about other users and their journey to better mental health.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

That Other Guy · ‎22-04-2022

I'm sorry life is tough for you right now. Do you have anyone close to you that you can talk to? If you get a mental health plan from a GP, 10 counselling sessions will be free. My son has BPD and suicidal idealisation. I had a bit of it myself growing up, and in recent years, so I understand what you mean. You can't control your thoughts but you can control what you do. You can try to learn ways to distract yourself but I am not pretending that will always work. Certainly I think you need someone IRL offering you direct support, so I recommend looking for a mental health care plan ASAP

PocketRocket88 · ‎22-04-2022

Hi all!

i already am seeing a psychiatrist, been linked up the community mental health team and had seen a psychiatrist yesterday. I have a Gp who truly cares and whom ive been seeing via Telehealth on a weekly basis. I’ve also been linked with ICLA Embark which helps me with getting NDIS so I can get a more intensive support and more sessions with a psychologist coz once a forthnight or month is not enough at the moment…

Aside from those, I don’t know what else I need at this present time…

im at worst and I know it because ive prepared everything I need to do it… have distanced myself yo my family and friends so that if and when I’m gone it’ll be about easier to them… i definitely have lost all of me and any motivation to try… I truly believe no one can do anything anymore… I wish I’m more positive even just a bit but that’s not the case… it’s tough and it’ll get tougher as I resist the inevitable

That Other Guy · ‎22-04-2022

My number one suggestion is to draw your family and friends close and give yourself more reasons not to do anything that will hurt them and end you. Create situations that make it easier for you to feel supported and get past these feelings.

Petal22 · ‎23-04-2022

Hi PocketRocket88,

Wellcome to our forums.

Im sorry you are feeling this way I understand it would be difficult.

Please try to understand that you are not your thoughts but watcher of your thoughts.

We aren’t our minds ……….. we are the observer ( the witness of our minds and bodies).

Go within and make it a beautiful place to be because this is we’re true happiness is.

Please reach out to your family believe you have great connections that you are going to make stronger because you are going to live a beautiful long eternal life.

therising · ‎24-04-2022

Hi PocketRocket88

My heart goes out to you as you face this incredible battle. The fact that you're seeking perspective and support from others points to a part of you that doesn't want to carry through with the darker thoughts. When people speak of the battle between 2 minds, only those who can relate will understand how incredibly intense and life threatening this can become.

Recalling my years in depression, the 2 minds thing was intense and there were so many factors that could trigger a sudden shift from one to the other. Something as simple as buying a new dress could have me vibing high in a state of momentary joy but if someone I deeply respected was to say 'Why did you buy that?!', bamm, I could enter into a sudden down shift in the blink of an eye and stay in it for hours or days. After years of analysing why I used to think or behave the way I did in depression, things began to make sense. I've come to believe it's the criticism that triggers the darker of the 2 minds to open, to begin dictating specific internal dialogue. The internal dialogue's brutal once it begins. From being convinced we look horrible in an outfit we love or we look 'ridiculous' with a new haircut, it begins to spiral out of control. Can go 'Maybe I do look stupid' before reaching the wrong conclusion 'They're right. Come to think of it, I look stupid no matter how I appear. Actually, everything I say is stupid. I am stupid. How could anyone like such a stupid person. No wonder no one likes me. They just pretend they do. What's the point of it all if all I am is stupid and worthless?' Then the brain starts looking for examples of how or why we're supposedly 'stupid' and/or 'worthless' and it'll find every possible example it can process until an up shift is triggered. Before you know it you're in the other of 2 minds, the brighter side. On the brighter side the dialogue can become 'What the hell led me to be so easily triggered? I can't believe I was so easily triggered by that person's comment. That's insane. I'll never let that happen again'. The thing is...it does happen again.

Then there's 'the observer's mind' which is neutral, in between the 2, which is something Petal22 touches on. The observer's mind observes how the dialogues play out and why they do. There are some tricks when it comes to entering into this frame of mind.

Btw, to be in 2 minds at once is a whole other story, which can become genuinely exhausting and incredibly stressful.

geoff · ‎24-04-2022

Hello PocketRocket, we are very concerned for your well being and if you can are you able to tell us how you are today as it's two days since you posted.

Please take care.

Geoff.

Petal22 · ‎24-04-2022

Good morning Pocket Rocket,

I just wanted to come back to you and let you know that I was once caught up in my mind…… I used to identify with the mind……. It was exhausting.

I suffered with severe anxiety OCD……….

But something amazing happened to me through out my journey I learned that I wasn’t my mind but the observer of my mind, I could actually sit back and

“ watch” my mind and see what it was doing…….

I realised that I wasn’t my mind and I didn’t have to stay captive to it… I learned how to break free and to live from a peaceful place inside myself…… this peaceful place is my “ “soul” the true essence of life it’s self.

The soul gives life to the body………

Your soul is there inside you and it’s waiting for you to discover it.

Once you start to live from your soul everything in your life becomes peaceful.

Meditation taught me so much including my discovery of my soul.

Please chat to me anytime