Constant sadness

[GalahBird]

I feel useless. I feel like I've reached a dead-end in my life. I haven't worked since I had my first child about sixteen years ago. I've done volunteer roles, but they always feel small compared to what I could have contributed and achieved. I've tried various courses but feel like they never take me anywhere. I think I lose belief in myself and just give up. I've always struggled with depression and have used exercise in recent years to manage it. But now even the exercise isn't keeping it under control. I think about killing myself several times a week. I don't think I will, but that's how I feel. I don't feel like my kids need me, they are very independent. My husband often snaps at me. I know he's just getting older and is probably a grumpy old man, but it gets me down too. I can't speak to him about it as that makes him angry. He sincerely believes he's always right and I think he's too old to change now. I don't know how to feel useful again. I wish I had a life outside the house. I keep thinking of different choices I could have made in my life and where they would have led me. I feel like I could have gone somewhere better than where I've ended up. I think about running away, but I know I'd feel guilty about leaving my kids. I don't know what to try next?

[Sophie_M]

Hi GalahBird,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums. It must be very defeating to feel like you’re currently at a dead-end and we understand how experiencing constant sadness can lead to feeling suicidal. Our community is open to hearing more of your thoughts and feelings when you feel comfortable and can support you to ensure you have a plan to keep yourself safe.

If at anytime you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about suicide or self-harm this is an emergency and you need to call 000 (triple zero).

If you’d find it helpful to create a safety plan you may wish to check out our Beyond Now suicide safety planning app. Feel free to read about how it works and where to download it here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning. You can even call Lifeline (131114) and compete it with one of their counsellors over the phone if you'd like.

In the meantime, can you think of a specific time when you started to feel like you could no longer manage your depression and exercise no longer helped you feel in control of your mental health? What did your life look like when you first experienced suicidal thoughts? Thinking back to this time can be helpful to understand suitable support options.

Keep checking back in when you feel up to it.
 

[Knip]

On reading you message it made me sad but you have children and that's the biggest achievement and contribution we as women can make I really think there are a lot of women who feel like you do inc my self not sure how old your children are but as they get older and don't need you as much it feels like a loss and that's when you need to find some thing for your self out side your family and it's properly time to think about your self more please don't think you are alone your not music is a good relaxer Take care and be kind to your self 🌹

[tranzcrybe]

Hi GalahBird,

Thank you for contributing to the BB forums, and I feel for your present predicament of not finding a supportive environment from your husband or children. Having met your familial expectations, you are asking yourself "Where to now?" or even "What was all the fuss about?"

Although you believe you may be at a 'dead end', this could only be the end of a cycle of your life and you are now at a crossroads for your future. You could also be in a hiatus where your life transforms when your children (as adults) branch out on their own, or later when you have grandchildren to spoil! The extra space around the house might see you downsize and take a world cruise (and yes, grumpy old men can mellow over time! :-)), or hit the open road as 'grey nomads'. So many doors to open for you yet, GB.

One observation I would like to make about feelings of what you could have achieved had things taken a different path: we tend to only fantasise of the good things at the high point and neglect the struggle, risk, cost, etc. We make our choices usually on this criteria, and quite subconsciously. You made a good choice - you raised a family with independent confident children to show for your labours - they will need you as their life unfolds, and you will be a proud part of that future even as you embark on new adventures.

What was this "what I could have contributed and achieved"? I'd like to hear your aspirations if you wish to discuss.

Kind regards,

t.