Brother suicided

[Littlebro]

Hi, 

First time I have ever been on this type of platform but I am at a loss.  My younger brother took his life 2 weeks ago and I’m not coping.  I have been trying to shield my parents as much as possible (i.e. dealing with police, coroner, funeral people etc).  I have a very supportive husband and family (including my youngest brother who lives interstate) but have never felt such loss. 

[Littlebro]

Thank you Mark.  Thanks to everyone who has responded as well, it means a lot.  Will be a long time before we can come to terms with this as a family but it’s just so reassuring to know that there is support out there.  

[Junior1962]

Hi Littlebro

I am so very sorry to hear of your loss.  The pain must be unimaginable.

Just wanted to back up the recommendations for calling Griefline.  I volunteered there a few years ago - as a telephone counsellor.  All the counsellors do training in loss and grief.  They are well supported and well equipped to support you at those moments when you are really struggling.  All their calls are anonymous - so you don't have to give out any identifying information.  I don't know if their hours have changed but it used to be 12noon until 3am.

They may also be able to give you information about who to speak to regarding face-to-face counselling.  Psychologists don't have training in loss and grief (I have a post grad - 4th yr - in pyschology). A grief counsellor is better. Psychologists CAN help with you other issues that may arise as a result of your traumatic experience.

I wish you all the best.

[Littlebro]

Thank you Junior1962.

I appreciate the advice and had never heard of Griefline until this forum.  It sounds like the perfect avenue should I need it so thank you. 

Was going ok for a bit (have my moments) but received the phone call today to say my little brother’s ashes were ready.  Thought I was prepared for that but I wasn’t and not sure I ever will be. 

Thank you again for taking the time to respond xxx

[Junior1962]

We are never prepared for how grief affects us. It’s not just a few emotions. It is an adaptive process. 
People typically go through waves where they are really struggling with their loss - interspersed with times when they are perfectly okay. This is normal. 
Also there is no right or wrong way to grieve. No two people are alike so no two grief processes will be alike - although there are patterns. 
The point is - just go with it. And If you need someone to talk to - there are options. 
You have this forum. You have Griefline. Or you could engage with a grief counsellor.

[Littlebro]

Hi white knight, I hope you don’t mind me contacting you again. 

I’ve kept from Mum how my brother actually took his life ( my Uncle suggested it wouldn’t be good to tell her and as she didn’t ask, I didn’t volunteer any information). 

She is now asking questions and I’m not sure whether it’s in her best interest to tell her?  

[Junior1962]

Hi Littlebro

Your Mum needs to grieve in her own way. Part of that means knowing how your brother died. I know you want to protect her and I appreciate why but she really does have a right to know.

An important consideration here is that the psyche protects us from the anxiety - until it is ready to deal with it. If she is asking, then she is ready to know. 
I hope that helps.

Junior 

[Littlebro]

Thank you Junior. 

I know she has a right to know and it was hard enough telling her he took his life a few weeks ago. This will be a whole new world of grief for her and I’m just worried she won’t handle it.  Mum has herself convinced he died a certain way but to tell her the whole truth will haunt her forever. 

[Junior1962]

Hi Little

I understand your desire to protect your mother. You don’t want her to suffer any more pain. It shows that you love her and this is commendable. However, for her to be able to grieve properly, remembering that grief is adaptive she does need to know the truth.

Another consideration is your relationship with her. When we share in each other’s pain, no matter how hard it may be, this is when we share intimacy. That is, we feel incredibly close. There is comfort in that. In the shared pain. And it can make your relationship with each other closer. 
On the other hand, what if you don’t tell her how your brother took his own life - and she finds out from someone else.? How will that make her feel? How will you feel? 

It is your decision, of course, and I respect that. I just want you to think about these alternatives. It’s a very difficult topic for anyone. Especially in a society where suicide is still a taboo subject

[Littlebro]

Hi Junior1962,

Sorry I haven’t replied before now.  I took a bit of time out trying to get all of this through my head.  I’m ready to tell Mum (when she asks), but not ready to volunteer the information. I know how she processes things and it’s a “bury the head in the sand” approach.  

If she asks, I will tell her and to be honest, I want to tell her as I feel as though I’m hiding something.  I just don’t want to bring it up until she asks me as then I know she will be ready. 

I received a 2nd Death Certificate today.  Wasn’t sure why but this one had the cause of death on it. 

And you are quite right on the fact that suicide is a taboo subject. 

The silence from so called “friends” is deafening.   That unfortunately includes extended family as well.  

My youngest brother’s wife (nasty piece of work) has been no support at all to my brother and that worries me as he is so far away from the rest of our family. 

If someone passes away from old age it seems to be different. A family loses someone to suicide and everyone is silent, almost as though it hasn’t happened. 

[Junior1962]

Hi Littlebro

No need to apologise. You are dealing with an incredibly painful and no doubt bewildering situation. I’m not on the forums much anymore now anyway, as I have recovered from my own recent MH issues. 
I have no doubt that the silence from friends and family is because they simply don’t know how to talk about suicide. They don’t want to say anything that might upset you so they don’t say anything at all. The sad part is that it can make you feel alone and isolated at a time when you really need people to be there for you. It’s not in any way the same, but I found the same thing when I went through repeated failures of IVF treatment. Friends thought physical death was more painful. How does one rank grief?

When you feel ready, I would encourage you to seek counselling support. This thing is too big for one person alone.