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Not feeling okay, i’m really confused

Jayden-C
Community Member

Hey, 

For the past 5 years I’ve been feeling burnt out and worthless before I even knew that I had anxiety and depression symptoms. I finally managed to post on a forum and i’m regretting it as i write it but i’m confused as to why, I've tried searching google but i couldn't find an answer that seemed to fit. In the past I was forced to see a psychologist after my high-school principal saw my self-harm and told my parents, but i couldn't even tell the psychologist how i felt. All i felt was a large pit of anger and despair that my parents found out. I was wondering if anyone knew why i felt like that then, and still feel strong anger when anyone except my best-friend asks about my mental health. 

4 Replies 4

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Jayden-Cain~

 

It's a pretty good move to come here and I'm sure you will not regret it -we are a friendly bunch.

 

I'm not certain I know all the answers to why you feel as you do, however as somone with depression and anxiety I've felt a lot of anger and not been able to understand why at the time.

 

Looking back I guess it was a matter of too much pressure. I would have liked to lead a normal life and not have these to contend with, however they filled my mind, and did not leave me enough brain-power to cope with other people, even ones that meant well, and I'd get angry as a result and try to get away. They were a pressure.

 

I'd think that trying to get by using self-harm ends up giving you more pressure too, trying to hide the results, feeling let down quickly, the possibility of being discovered and more.

 

Mind you at times I was simply angry that life had put and extra burden on me and not others, this made me feel more isolated from everyone - another pressure.

 

While I'm glad you do have a best friend you can be honest and comfortable with I'm not sure that is enough. Feeling burnt-out and worthless I found ot be symptoms of the depression  and anxiety (not my own thoughts in fact), as was the anger - a miserable set of things to deal with. Nobody should feel as bad as you do - you deserve a happier life.

 

I've had my life change around and now cope well, know I have value and enjoy life. It has taken time and medical help (GP plus psychiatrist). It has also taken me being honest - which I was not to start with, due mainly to fear and embarrassment -plus always feeling can't be bothered.

 

In time I found I wanted to feel better so badly I did become honest, and stared to be treated for the things that were wrong. That made the difference.

 

So do you mind if I suggest you do get medical aid, mybe though school, maybe your parents, or by calling a help line (The Kids Help Line is excellent and has web-chat as well as voice)

 

The only way I got better was though medical help.

 

I'd really like it if you came back here and talked again

 

Croix

therising
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Jayden

 

I wish 'feelings' were a much bigger deal in life than what they're simply made out to be in a lot of cases. They'd be so much easier to work out if everyone was comparing notes. Instead, there tends to be a lot of shut downs, as opposed to open minded wondering. Shut downs can sound like 'Calm down and stop being so dramatic' or 'You're too sensitive, you need to toughen up'. With that 2nd one, I say flip the script, 'Hell yeah, I'm sensitive. How else do you think I can sense/feel what you just said to me?!'.

 

I think the regret that soon follows putting our self out there is understandable. Based on past experience, if putting our self out there means people are going to take a swipe at us, there'll always be some part of us that says 'Why did you do it? You know you'll regret it. You know how this is going to end, with people judging you and putting you down'. I've found it helps to say 'If I put myself out there, I will only listen to responses from open minded people who are prepared to wonder with me when it comes to why I feel the way I do'. Get a feel for guides, not critics.

 

If you can change the way you see sensitivity, you can change the way you feel about being someone who's sensitive. For example, if you've been lead to see sensitivity as a 'weakness' that's something to be ashamed of, every time someone accuses you of being sensitive it's going to be upsetting (angering or depressing). But if you've been led to see sensitivity as a strength or an ability, it means you have something incredible that not everyone has...

 

If I put you in a room with 99 other people and asked you to get a feel for which one's the depressing degrading narcissist in the room, I bet you could do it. While most of the people in the room may try to convince you it's all in your imagination and that narcissist is actually a really nice person, you can't deny you can feel their nature. If you felt their words hit you in the chest/heart and you felt the sudden down feeling (like in a lift), you're sensitive enough to pick out the one person in the room I asked you to find. That's quite a talent, you must admit.

 

Can't help but wonder whether the reason your friend is the only one that doesn't trigger you is based on them also being sensitive. You both have the same ability.

Jayden-C
Community Member

Thank you so much for your advice, i realise i should seek medical help but i don't think I’m ready to be honest yet. I didn’t expect any replies to my post, so thanks again. 

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Jayden-C~

As you may have gathered I did not want to be honest, and minimized or denied things, not only to doctors, but also to the people in my life.

 

I guess there were lots of reasons, I did not want to know what was going on inside me, I didn't realize how serious matters were becoming (I'd lost my ability to accurately judge), I was embarrassed and I was afraid of consequences. To be pointed at by others, to have to cope wiht peole who were concerned but might not get it. To have to have medical treatment even if I did not want it. Amazingly the things I worried about did not happen.

 

That was just me, you may have other reasons. You can do several things that may be less worrying and try to reach for a better life anyway. You can talk here and be as honest as you like, it is anonymous and nobody will know. Even if you make a mistake and say something that might reveal who you are you are protected against that here.

 

You can text on the Kid's Help Line, which will give you others to talk wiht and advice. At least you will learn that the way you feel is not the way others feel, and you really should have a happier life.

 

Of course if you did ever want to get medical help just the thought of tying ot explain face ot face can be pretty scary, you may not think you are up to it any more than I did. I got round that by taking a few days to write down how I felt and what was happening to me, then handed the paper over in a consultation. I used point form, not a long essay and it worked better than I expected. I'd managed to include everything becuse I had the time to compose the list, and with the doctor I just answered questions about what I wrote.

 

The doctor was pleased as it gave a list to work through, and I was relieved things went a lot better than I thought.

 

It would be great if you did come back here again. It is not all serious stuff, unless you want it to be, there is a chat area, jokes, lists of movies and lots more.

 

Croix