Brother suicided

[Littlebro]

Hi, 

First time I have ever been on this type of platform but I am at a loss.  My younger brother took his life 2 weeks ago and I’m not coping.  I have been trying to shield my parents as much as possible (i.e. dealing with police, coroner, funeral people etc).  I have a very supportive husband and family (including my youngest brother who lives interstate) but have never felt such loss. 

[geoff]

Hello Littlebro, you are trying your utmost best to protect your parents and I really feel so sorry for the loss of your brother as this must be so difficult to try and cope with and is certainly not an easy feat to try and do.

No one can ever explain why this had to happen and there will be many unanswered questions you keep asking yourself because not knowing how he was feeling or what was going through his mind is definitely a very sad mystery for you.

Can I suggest that both you and your parents seek counselling and this can be done by visiting your GP who will offer you a 'mental health plan' which entitle each of you to 20 Medicare paid sessions to visit a psych and please I really recommend this, then you can cry and ask them the questions you keep asking.

Something like this is so very difficult to cope with and totaly empathise with you.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Fern42]

HI Littlebro,

I can understand the amount of grief that you and your family are presently experiencing. I feel for you all and the loss of your brother. It must be extra difficult taking on the role of organising the coroner, funeral people ect.  Your family is very lucky to have someone so supportive in their life that is able to take on that role. I just wanted to suggest contacting griefline for someone to talk too, in the meantime while waiting to possibly organising a mental health plan as suggested by geoff? (If that something you may want to do). It is completely free and you can book a time that suits you 1300845745. 

[white knight]

Hi, littlebro, welcome

I join with the others to give my condolences to you, your family and friends. My older brother took his life at 26yo in 1978, I was 23 and my sister 18. Like you I had to be strong and organise everything which is now a blur but it also involved police interviews required after such an event.  My parents grief was enormous and after 6 months I fell in a heap with my own bottle up grief and at the time I worked shift work as a warder so I was pushed to the limit.

Grief is unavoidable so in a way you can only comfort other people to a "reasonable" level, then take care of yourself. An attitude of "saving the world" will be counterproductive and delay the inevitable. 

For your parents, regularly express your resistance to carrying out a similar act which will be one fear they'll have. Pass that onto your brother also.  As for your own grief think about ways to channel it like plant a bush or rose as a reminder, a plague or memorial. Writing becomes important. 

I've rewritten a poem for you. I hope it helps.

UNDER YOUR BRIM

A daydream over a ponder pie

Of what perfection could be

Then you begin to draw

The perfection that you dream

You draw hands of kindness

Palms of gentle gold

Hands you hoped you'd embrace

When you grow old

You had to get the eyes right

And it took a lot of time

To visualized his compassion

settle for any sign

Finally at drawings end

you was in total reflection

As far as brothers go

mirror of perfection

Then you realized oh my,

As you shaded colour under your brim

That drawing of the perfect brother

Was a sketch of him...

TonyWK

[Mark Z.]

Hi Littlebro,

I'm so sorry for your loss. You and your family must be deeply traumatized. I can't imagine how hard it is for you. It's even harder for your to stay strong and support your family.

Please stay with your family and your parents. Also talk to your close friends if you can. You need a lot of emotional support, it's too heavy. 

If you or your family members feel need, professional support is also helpful.  It's a good idea to ring Beyondblue hotline for some professional advice.

Hope everything will be better.

Mark

[Littlebro]

Hello Geoff, 

Firstly, thank you so much for your response.  I’m overwhelmed at how many people did respond as I wasn’t actually expecting anything!  I’m not sure how to reply to everyone all at once (Fern42, white knight & Mark Z) but I do so very much appreciate each and every one of you taking the time to respond. 

I’m glad you brought up the Medicare paid sessions Geoff, I believe these may have been offered to my brother but I don’t think he actually followed through.  

I’m actually feeling slightly more “normal” today, managed to focus on work for the first time since it happened but I think it will be a long road and will definitely have a chat to my GP (seeing her on Friday). 

Thank you again Geoff 🙂

[Littlebro]

Thank you so much Fern42.  Hoping you can see my reply to Geoff but if not, I’m very appreciative and thankful for your reply and suggestions.  I had not heard of Griefline so thank you for mentioning that.  Will have a chat to the GP on Friday. 

Thank you again from the bottom of my heart. 

[Littlebro]

Hi white knight, 

Firstly, I’m so sorry for your loss also. I’m sure even despite the years that have gone by, the pain will always remain but it’s the coping mechanisms that change? 

Secondly, your poem was absolutely beautiful and whilst it brought a tear to my eye, it resonated with me. 

As did your comment about reassuring my parents.  Quite timely actually as Mum sent me a text message today (knowing that I had to give the police a statement this morning).  I hadn’t responded to the text and after 5 minutes, she called me and I could hear the panic in her voice.  (I hadn’t responded because I hadn’t seen it as was busy with work). 

It hadn’t occurred to me that she might think I would contemplate something similar to my brother.  

I couldn’t do it to my parents even if I wanted to.  I had to tell both Mum and Dad what my brother did (they’re divorced) and I’ve never heard either of them in such agony. They’re in their 70’s and I was worried what affect that type of grief would have on them. 

I think the plant/bush is a lovely idea, thank you so much white knight x

[Littlebro]

Hi Mark, 

Thank you so very much.  Thank you also for taking the time to respond.  

As mentioned, I’m just overwhelmed at the support and that people did actually reply.  I was hesitant about an online forum (I’m not a big social media fan) but this has helped me more than you will ever know. 

I’m definitely staying close to family (we’re close anyway).  We’re all checking in with each other and Mum and my youngest brother (who lives in Perth) stayed with my husband and I for a week when it all happened.  

We do have a lot of support as a family and with friends took thankfully.  I just felt I needed to talk to someone/something/somewhere (I don’t mean that to be derogatory in anyway) who was outside that circle as I still need to be strong, especially for my Mum.  She has been through enough. 

Thank you again Mark x

[Mark Z.]

Hi Littlebro,

You are more than welcome to share your feeling here. And we are happy to know that our words helped you a little bit. No one can get through this easily, just hope you and your family feel a little better now.

Mark