Am I suicidal?

Vecna20 · ‎20-06-2022

Hi,

So lots of the time I just hate life, I hate being where I am but not I don't want to run away. I wish that I could just float in the black abyss that is space. Lots of the time I feel like the people around me would be better off if I was gone, that no body would care if I ran away or died. That maybe they would be happier if I just went away. I can imagine everyone in my life not caring or moving on easily if I died, besides my Dad.

I don't have a plan as to how I would do it, and the thought of a slow death scares me. I don't want to kill myself but I want to die, if that makes sense?

I have self-harmed in the past.

After righting all of this I guess it does really sound like I am but I guess its just that I dont always feel like this. I am a 15 year old girl in Australia. I am usually really happy. As far back as I can remember I would be self-harming but it wasn't really until end of grade eight or nine that I started wanting to run away and then it turned into this.

My parents are divorced and I live with my Dad, Step-Mum and little sister. I used to live with my Mum, Granny and Poppy, up until the end of grade 5 when I had had enough. She was a textbook narcissist and so was my Granny. We went to two shrinks and they both told me to get away from her basically, we stopped seeing each other and only called, then she got pregnant without telling me. Then I said I wanted a break so her only contact was a text on holidays and my birthday. She didn't text on Christmas and I haven't heard from her since. I have a lot of problems because of her and its also caused a lot of problems between me and my Step-Mum.

I thought I should say this because it plays into a lot of my stuff.

So yeah, can someone please just help? I feel so trapped and suffocated, I dont really want to talk about this to my Dad because I am afraid of... I dont really know what, how he'll react? I get so afraid of what people think. I am so afraid all of the time.

Thanks,

Vecna20

Sophie_M · ‎27-06-2022

Hi there,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for your bravery and openness in sharing here. We can hear you’ve been dealing with some really difficult thoughts and feelings about suicide, as well as dealing with self-harm. These are really heavy things to have to deal with, we're sorry you've been feeling like no one would care. Please know that we're here for you.

Vecna, we are concerned about you, so we’re reaching out to you privately to offer some support. In the meantime, we’d really encourage you to give us a call on the Beyond Blue Support Service. We are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 and our counsellors are really good at talking people through moments like this and working out options for more support. A few more options are KidsHelpline on 1800 55 1800, Lifeline on 13 11 44, and Headspace on 1800 650 890. All of these options are also available through webchat, if you'd prefer:

Whenever you're feeling suicidal or are having thoughts about harming yourself, it's important that you take immediate steps to keep safe. If you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about suicide or self-harm this is an emergency and you need to call 000 (triple zero).

We’re sure we’ll hear from some of our lovely community members here on your thread soon. They’re a really amazing community, and will have understanding, advice and kind words for you. Thanks again for sharing. It’s a powerful and brave first step towards feeling better.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

Bob_22 · ‎28-06-2022

Hi Vecna20,

I'm so sorry to hear about what you're dealing with. Sorry that its been a while since your post but I truly hope you are in a better place atm. Regarding your thoughts around self-harm and suicide I would implore that you discuss these with your GP and psychologist if you have one. If not, I would recommend you ask your GP to refer you to a psychologist and/or mental health accredited clinician. Also, as Sophie has written, I strongly suggest you contact any one of the crisis lines above if you have any immediate feelings of suicide/self harm and can't get in touch with a clinician. Also, as sophie mentioned triple zero is always available and can help you in crisis situations.

Regarding your situation at home, I'm sorry that you have had poor experiences with both your mother and her side of the family as well as your step mother. Feeling isolated at such a young age is extremely difficult and you are strong for seeking out help. As mentioned, it might be best to unpack some of these issues with a clinician. Some good places to start might be: your GP who can refer you to a psychologist, your school counsellor, Kids Helpline (who offer phone and web counselling for 5 - 25 y.o) and your local headspace (which you can drop into by yourself and have follow up face to face appointments with a GP and mental health worker).

In the meantime, if you'd like to look at resources while you're waiting to see one of the above mental health clinicians there is some good reading available on kids helpline under the teens section: kidshelpline.com.au/teens and under the tab kidshelpline.com.au/teens/issues/conflict-home. Additionally there is forum section for young people here on the website that might have some stories from other young people in similar situations. There are also some great resources under the 'i'm a young person' section of the headspace website at headspace.org.au/explore-topics/for-young-people/mental-ill-health/.

I'm sorry again to read about the issues you're going through and the feelings you're having. Going through dramatic changes in childhood and ongoing issues with parental figures is extremely difficult and I understand how you can feel trapped and suffocated. It sounds like you're dad is somewhat supportive and down the line if you're comfortable, I would recommend opening up to him also. Keep us updated.

Best regards,

Bob