Am i doing enough?

Gee1_ja

This will probably be a ramble. Im 20 i work fulltime and study as an apprentice fitter and mashinist. both work and school are roughly an hour and 20 mins of driving each day somtimes more depending on traffic. I exercise during the week and weekend to regulate myself. I live only with my sister now shes 21 but we both cant afford to move out student wages and all ny mum moved 2 hours away ny dad moved 7 hours away we have no support close by my parents help pay rent but mother insisted we stay in a very large 4 bedroom house the rooms nice and all but its alot to try and manage. Heres the problem i have alot of conditions that make me not as abled learning disabilities and some other things main ones being adhd,ocd,mixed mood/bipolar i suspect i have autism and dyslexica but diagnosises are really expensive. I fall behind in school its nothing new they never helped me though the system and gave me special help to actually get me to succeed i dont have very good maths or writing skills. Now im in tafe and can barely handle the anxiety from maths i was alienated all the time the teachers put me in situations like quick maths or spelling but I have a processing issue so id always fail on basic things. I have definitely developed a anxiety and depression around the education system dispite how much i tell myself were all adults and it doesnt matter if anyones judging me i still cant shake it as soon as maths in play i start super eager confident. Then i fall behind maybe i got distracted for a moment or i couldn't write fast enough. Now iv missed the steps and it doesnt make sense. By that point i give up in my head it boils down to "whats the point" the teacher gets everyone to figure it out and they all yell the answers i can never do it fast enough to see wether i was right or even had a chance to type it out. So i give up the stress of failure complies though the 2weeks im there im the only girl in the class no one talks to me i have breakdowns almost everyday i have to leave the lesson beacuse I feel a meltdown i look like such a child I get treated like one i get why from the outside. I feel so alone im asking for education support from the school but theres no free time to actually do it and i dont thinj ill qualify for ndis because they'll assume im abled enough im appling anyways though. I went on adhd meds which I'm coming off my ocd and bipolar are really bad on it often times i couldn't shake the feeling that today was the last day u couldn't visualise the next days so many times i think about ending it even if its not really what i want. I feel like such a burden on my family and friends i must be hard to be around my meltdowns are scary i dont hurt others but i hurt myself physically. I regulate them as much as i can but i know people are scared of me. I still wait for the day everyone finally leaves me gets sick of me so maybe i can end it without making people upset. I doubt that will happen though i try not to push others away but how do u tell people that u cant visualise a future that ur alive in. I get told to try harder be better but i cant i tried the pills i tried getting support i have a therapist but i just keep falling behind again and again. Im really tired of fighting what comes to others so naturally. Im always tired i cant ever sleep iv tried so many things the doctors barely helped if at all. I masked so well i pretended so well that i comptent like its all just a good show but the curtins fell once my parents left and i went back to school. I cant pretend anymore im struggling i really really want this i wanna pass tafe but everything feels so crushing i dont know if my love for mechanical engineerings gonna pull me though. I need to feel like im doing enough im trying hard enough im fighting hard enough am i enough? Maybe these meds are just driving me insane and maybe ill snap back once im off them idk its tuff out here. Once my mind clears i know i wont kill myself i cant i think my brain just likes the idea since it seems like the most logical way to not feel this way or suffer. All my money basicly goes to health while my peers buy new cars im stuck trying to fix myself and pass basic schooling idk if tafe mechanical engineerings considered hard in others eyes my peers say they keep dumbing it down and yet i still cant pass. Idk i really dont know what to do i just wanna work on mechanics. Ratchet world.

Croix

Dear Gee1_ja~

Welcome here to the Forum, you sound really distressed so I'm glad you came. Sometimes it is hard to step back and make a judgment about what one should do.

Frankly I think you are doing more than enough and it is a tribute to your determination to keep on going despite your mental health issues and learning problems. There is no way you are letting anyone down. If you have not done so already I'd talk to your doctor about how things are, particularly those feelings about killing yourself (yes, that's hard but can be worth it - I've had to do that too.)

I'm a bit worried about you as really speaking no occupation should drive you to thoughts of taking you life or feeling a failure - it is not deserved and no occupation is worth it.

If anything I'd suggest you have too much on you plate at the moment, with work, finances, time, TAFE and sorting out your medications for best effect. Have you considered work is important so you have enough money to live, and medications are important becuse in all probably thay will help you and assist in coping with life?

It is true going to TAFE is a pathway to being a mechanic, something you realy want, however things are not working well at the moment. If you paused your studies for now then after your meds have been sorted and have been effective for a while you will be in a better position to do the lessons. You may then also have time to get extra help if you need it, a surprising number of people do.

I doubt friends and family will get sick of you. If they truly know you then they also know the difficulties and disappointments you are facing now and understand your meltdowns and unhappiness. They will be there for you.

To answer one of your questions, yes TAFE Mechanical Engineering is hard, it relies on maths and physics and for most people these are not that easily mastered, it takes time and often coaching to get though. I'm not saying this to discourage you, just preparing you to tackle it in the best way that suits you so you succeed.

Have you talked abut any of this with your boss? If he is the approachable sort he may be able to work something out.

I do suggest you ring the Kids Help Line,(1800 55 1800 ) they are very used to problems young peole have with mental health issues, schooling and finances. They are sensible and can be a comfort.

If you would like to come back and say what you think about what I've said, or just to talk some more that would be great.

Croix

Sophie_M

Hi Gee1_ja,
We wanted to reach out and say thank you for sharing on the forums today, and also to check in with you to make sure that you’re ok.
This is something you could discuss with the counsellors here at Beyond Blue, whether on the phone (1300 22 4636) or via webchat
If you’re feeling unable to avoid acting on thoughts of suicide or self-harm, this is an emergency, so please call 000 (triple zero).
Community members have mentioned an app called ‘Calm Harm’ being helpful for managing self-harm urges. This may be a helpful tool.
Thank you again for posting, it’s a great step to have taken. There’s lots of lovely people on the forums who may be able to relate.
Kind regards,
Sophie M

Gee1_ja

True i probably should talk to my doctor but i never wanna cause a fuss its weird i guess i dont wanna be forced to take time off ether. Im not really sure wether taking a breaks possible my boss is very stuck in his ways very set that autism and all these diagnoses are what they're putting in food or vaccines 😅 and that back in his day only very few had issues despite the fact the entire criteria changed since. I did mention my tafe struggles to him but i was kinda just met with "oh well you have to" only adds to the frustration that im not really getting adequate support. I know that maybe i just need to repeat things but i dont bounce back easy. Unfortunately i really do like this job i wanna succeed at least at something academicly. So its a hard thing to step away from i surrpose.

Croix

Dear Gee1_ja~

Sophie_M has given you some good advice about contacts and like most people help when things seem hopeless can make all the difference in life. It's not causing a fuss, they are there because of people like you and me.

It's a pity your boss is old-school and thinks the problems people have come from additives etc. Still the problems are real no matter what that reason, what do you think would happen if you showed him the maths questions you have to do? Would he find them easy or puzzling?

I'm sure you will get there in the end, as you like the job so much getting a qualification will happen, but as you say you may have to repeat some things to master them. you may also need assistance with the hard parts, even though it costs and you don't have much time. Maybe coaching can be by video rather than you having to travel.

To help you bounce back you could always try what I do and that is to reserve a short time every evening to do somthing I like, it gives me something to look forward to each day and forget my troubles. It does not have to be anything big, just whatever you enjoy.

Hang in, you will get there

Croix (who used to fix his engines and gearboxes when they wore out or broke)