Who cries over spilt milk?

white knight · ‎09-09-2014

That's the saying. "You're crying over spilt milk". It implies you are hanging onto something that should have been forgotten about many moons ago. The guilt. The shame. The anger of something past. If you are one of these people then you have also likely been told "get over it". But I've never seen tablets for sale with the words "get over your guilt with one tablet a day". So what do we do to rid ourselves from guilt?

There are a number of things you can do to assist in the process of these demonic forms of baggage. -

Time- time is a great healer. It means you accept that the issue will remain fresh in your mind until a certain amount of time passes. The amount of time depends on the person and the issue. But acceptance by you that time is needed is an encouraging step.

Perspective- When young, at childs age, we tend to exaggerate incidences. This is quite normal. When we grow up sometimes we hang onto those explosions of fact. This can remain in our minds as bigger than what they really were. Or smaller too than what they were. Accurate perspective is required and sometimes this is only possible with psychiatric treatment. Correct perspective on a smaller scale however starts with ultimate honesty internally. It is a beginning.

Forgiveness. So much time might have passed whereby seeking forgiveness from someone isnt in your best interests. On the other hand seeking forgiveness by a parent to their child might well be in order not only to help with your guilt but to help your child mend. Consider forgiveness from you or to another person. If your efforts were in vain at least you have taken a step towards mending your own ills

Accepting you are human. We all make mistakes. Some are unforgivable like sexual harm to a child. Other than those unforgivable acts many mistakes can be redeemed. But one should also accept that if you did the best you could at a certain time in your life then try to accept that. This is where you have to think things through.

Therapy. Giving burden to you immediate family isnt fair on them. If you can seek therapy then you are seeking the assistance of someone trained in that field. Try it.

Forums. Beyond Blue are anonymous. There is also plenty of reading on such topics there. That's their advantage.

Guilt can eat you up. It can consume you. There is no need to cry over spilt milk. Find ways of dealing with it. Crying over spilt milk is one thing suffering or ruining your life over it is another.

WK

Guest_9610 · ‎12-08-2019

Hello WK, Helium & Croix.

I'm so sorry to You & others on the BB Forum if I've offended anyone by my post to WK last night. It wasn't meant by any ill intent to cause such a havoc to those concerned on the BB Forum. Re read WK post to Helium again this afternoon & came to a realization that "I'm in the wrong" as I Misunderstood of what was written.

I haven't any other words to express my sincere apologies to Those who I've Unintentionally offended. - (WK) The BB Forum is to encourage & not discourage anyone at all. That's what this forum was designed for in the first place to Encourage each other in their Darkest Times...

I'm truly sorry & would you please accept my heartfelt apologies to All.

I've Always struggled in understanding the English language in the fullest context.. am doing my very best for well over 65 years... Still Learning...

Never To Old To Learn.. & Continue To Do So...

Maybe I'm not meant to be on BB Forum. Maybe I'm barking up the wrong tree so the Aussie saying goes. I do not wish to hurt anyone. After reading your posts, i became very distressed within myself that I could write & upset so many. I'm so so sorry...

Thank you for having me on the BB Forum yet it's now time for me to move on....

Thankyou Everyone for being so patient with me.

Thank you Everyone for your kind generous spirit you show by supporting others in Need.

Yours Faithfully,

Amiella

Croix · ‎12-08-2019

Dear Amiella~

Your honesty and ability to see another point of view are an essential here -as are you. Please do not take a misunderstanding as anything larger than just that -a misunderstanding. Nobody has been hurt.

We all gain if you stay - you, we do , can't put it any simpler. This place runs on the differing experiences, tones and perspectives of everyone here, if it did not have those it would not work.

I look forward to reading your posts in the future

At 65 you are only a youngster (by my definitions anyway:) Plenty of time to get used to text-only, adapt and help.

Croix

Guest5643 · ‎12-08-2019

Hi Amiella.

PLEASE DO NOT LEAVE THE FORUMS! You are a wonderful soul and we need your beautiful input here. Ive completely misread posts in the past to see it in a completely different light the next time ive read it. Youve got so many people waiting to be helped by you. Sorry to sound pushy but i cant stress enough how much we care for you. We all make mistakes. I wrote an apology thread just incase ive ever offended anyone in past. If i was standing in front of you now i would give you a hug and say it's ok 👍.

white knight · ‎12-08-2019

Hi Amiella

Thankyou, of course I accept your apology. I also hope you stay here.

Reactions are inground. It takes a lot of effort to change them but add to that, the issue of the written word and we have a powderkeg of unintentional consequences.

I'd lobe it if you stayed on the forum and worked through this and other issues you have. I'm always learning about myself here.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/focus-and-never-ever-give-up#qlDA4XHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

Thankyou for your courage. We are here for you, here for each other.

TonyWK

Guest5643 · ‎12-08-2019

Wow tony you realy have a talent for poems 👍👍

Guest5643 · ‎15-08-2019

Im so sorry amielle to see you have left the forums. I hope your ok. Im thinking of you. Lynne

paddyanne · ‎15-08-2019

Hi Helium. We've all acted without thinking many times then regretted. You didn't help your mum on that last day so your last memory is her reaching out and you ignoring. Can I ask if your mum frequently reached out, or was that a first. If she often grabbed, it's possible you mistook her for 'playing games' and crying for sympathy, in which case ignoring her was automatic. My mother (she's now passed) played the martyr. I ignored her many times. You mentioned you were not happy that day so her reaching out possibly made you feel slightly angry so rather than saying something hurtful, it was easier to ignore. No-one knows what's around the corner. If we all had foresight, many things we do every day wouldn't be done for fear of.... On the other hand hindsight has all of us feeling guilty for looking the 'wrong' way, saying something then regretting it. Rather than torture yourself with what if's and should I have, look on it as human error, which is exactly what it was. I'm sure your mum forgave you, forgiving yourself is accepting. Accept she's not in pain, her suffering is gone. Accept you as you are human with faults and failings. We're all in the same boat. Remember the good times and 'see' her smiling and well. I'll bet you were a good daughter who just had a bad day, nothing else.

white knight · ‎15-08-2019

Paddyanne raised a good point here with Helium's emotional event and guilt ridden feelings.

Paddyanne, Lynne read my thread "guilt the tormentor" and connected with it.

What I want to discuss is the guilt. I have been "studying" or at least thinking about this topic since a teen and I'm 63yo now. Reason is my mother was a nurturer when we were children but she also had a dark side I believe is BPD (undiagnosed which made it harder).

BPD is very disruptive, manipulative and abusive in some circumstances. So the difficulty would not have been so bad if we didn't have that nurturing side of mum. That side was the side that compelled us to not break away for very long. Up till 2010 my longest break was 12 months. My separation from dad was the painful bit and mother knew it was here greatest asset. Then in 2010 a threat to ruin my wedding (she ruined my first in 1985) was my last straw. I haven't and wont see her again. She is now elderly but if anyone went through what my sister and I endured they'd understand.

Moving along, I first became aware of her likely condition when I was told to google- queen witch, hermit, waif.

Each character has their role inside the mind of some BPD people. Switching from one to the other can be instant. I'll leave you to google that so you can get the characters descriptions which is very interesting.

Now Lynne, I'm not suggesting for a moment your mum had that terrible disorder. What I'm eluding to is the difficulty is "reading" the person. As the waif, My mother was attention seeking and using her emotions to control my father to discipline us when unnecessarily. Another thread on this is

google beyondblue topic emotional blackmail likely extreme BPD

Such confusion in never really knowing if your parent is real, acting, attention seeking, manipulating, in need etc is still impossible to tell regardless that you are their child. In my case right up till our 50's we believed we were cruel kids to our mother because- she convinced us, she controlled our emotions.

I once worked shift work, 12 hours, one day from midnight to noon. I then drove 4 hours to my mothers house and spent 24 hours straight painting it out. I ran out of paint on one small wall in the laundry, it only got one coat but was ok. I crashed for 15 hours sleep. My mother was so happy. Then I found out she told all my relatives and friends that "a good son would have finish it"

We had to take control, reject her and hope to build our self esteem up.

TonyWK

paddyanne · ‎15-08-2019

Hi Tony. Sincerest apologies if I've stepped on toes re: Lynne's feelings re: her mother's death. As previously mentioned, my mother was the martyr, she played it to the hilt. I understood Lynne had connected the dots with your post. I was simply reiterating your point that guilt can destroy us if we allow it. Thinking after about what if, should have, doesn't help. I've had to divorce those negative emotions in connection with my mother, her death, my reactions etc. I felt immense guilt because I wasn't there. I live in Oz, she was in N.Z. Had I been there, nothing I could've done would've stopped her death. It was her time and no matter the sequence of events, she died alone. Unfortunately no-one can predict when someone's time has come. Everyone feels guilty and thinks, if only.... All anyone can do is cherish the time we have and do our best. I'm sorry about the way you were treated, it must've been hard to make the decision to reject her. You tried your best and it wasn't enough. She failed you, you did nothing wrong.

white knight · ‎18-08-2019

Hi Amiella,

I'm checking up on you if you are still browsing the forum. I'm hoping you are ok and want to let you know we are very understanding here, in fact it is our greatest ambition to reach out to everyone. We all misunderstand things at times.

Regards TonyWK