Who cries over spilt milk?

[white knight]

That's the saying. "You're crying over spilt milk".  It implies you are hanging onto something that should have been forgotten about many moons ago.  The guilt. The shame. The anger of something past.  If you are one of these people then you have also likely been told "get over it". But I've never seen tablets for sale with the words "get over your guilt with one tablet a day". So what do we do to rid ourselves from guilt?

There are a number of things you can do to assist in the process of these demonic forms of baggage.   -

Time-  time is a great healer.  It means you accept that the issue will remain fresh in your mind until a certain amount of time passes. The amount of time depends on the person and the issue. But acceptance by you that time is needed is an encouraging step.

Perspective- When young, at childs age, we tend to exaggerate incidences. This is quite normal. When we grow up sometimes we hang onto those explosions of fact. This can remain in our minds as bigger than what they really were.  Or smaller too than what they were. Accurate perspective is required and sometimes this is only possible with psychiatric treatment. Correct perspective on a smaller scale however starts with ultimate honesty internally. It is a beginning.

Forgiveness.  So much time might have passed whereby seeking forgiveness from someone isnt in your best interests. On the other hand seeking forgiveness by a parent to their child might well be in order not only to help with your guilt but to help your child mend. Consider forgiveness from you or to another person. If your efforts were in vain at least you have taken a step towards mending your own ills

Accepting you are human.  We all make mistakes. Some are unforgivable like sexual harm to a child. Other than those unforgivable acts many mistakes can be redeemed. But one should also accept that if you did the best you could at a certain time in your life then try to accept that. This is where you have to think things through.

Therapy.  Giving burden to you immediate family isnt fair on them. If you can seek therapy then you are seeking the assistance of someone trained in that field.  Try it.

Forums. Beyond Blue are anonymous. There is also plenty of reading on such topics there.  That's their advantage.

Guilt can eat you up.  It can consume you. There is no need to cry over spilt milk. Find ways of dealing with it. Crying over spilt milk is one thing suffering or ruining your life over it is another.

       WK

[white knight]

Hi Paddyanne,

Just got to your post. I'm sure Lynne didn't take your post adversely. As adults of parent/s that have quirks like martyr, waif, dominance or manipulation we all are damaged goods and the reason we post here.

My mother is 88 this year. We, my sister and I haven't seen her for 9 years after she plotted to ruin my wedding. She ruined my first one in 1985. It became a shock to see here explode 5 days before our wedding for little reason. In fact I went a good 25 years not really knowing the reason until I was told to google queen witch waif hermit, only then did I understand it was the queen that wanted control and the witch that pursued my with her jealousy. It went further, see an auntie convinced me to allow my mother to the wedding in 1985. She paraded in family photos and in every one without our knowledge she had such a terrible facial appearance we threw the pics away.

Beyond that years alter when she became a grandmother her bossiness went beyond reasonable. She'd tell us all how to bring up our children, get angry and over ride the visiting nurse, get angry at our children for getting what she saw as lavish xmas presents...she had her hand in everything. I kept advising her that she had her time as a parent, as a grandparent "sit back, love everyone and leave the upbringing to us the parents. Nope, never happened.

So, in 2011 when my now wife and I planned our park wedding she made a comment to my daughter that although she was not invited "I just might be at that park that day". She lived 4 hours away. This was the last straw. I applied for a AVO through the courts. When I went to court (she didn't attend) the procedure is for the judge to read out my application then read my mothers response. When he began to read her letter I interjected and asked it not be read out. He asked why. "because I know what is in it, they'll be comments like his father would roll over in his grave and she had a sick son (my brother passed away by suicide in 1979) and so on...all I want is the right to enjoy this wedding in happiness your honour". He allowed it of course.

I was nervous as my bride arrived. I was looking for a bright blue car and my mother. She never arrived. Once the vows began I relaxed. I've since lost aunties and cousins interstate from her never ending phone calls telling lies and exaggerations. It matters not, I cant combat that. My youngest daughter is heavily influenced also. Sadly, that's a loss I have to swallow as well.

TonyWK

[paddyanne]

Hi Lynne. Yes, obviously your mum was in agony, however, nothing you personally could've done would've helped her because you didn't know what was wrong. It's possible that even if she had tried to explain all that she may have said was: I've got a 'lump' in my throat. That wouldn't have told you anything because you don't have x-ray vision. I have a young 20 year old male client who suffers epilepsy and has a brain tumor. I have no idea about his meds because I'm not 'privvy' to this info, should be, but I'm not. I was transporting him home from his workshop one day when I noticed he seemed to in a daze. I called to him, but his eyes rolled back and he lost control of his bodily functions. I stopped as soon as possible and felt for a pulse, it was racing, he was clammy to the touch. I phoned my boss because I didn't have any other contact number. My boss ascertained my whereabouts and phoned the ambo. After what seemed an eternity (probably 10 minutes, but 10 minutes can seem an eternity). The ambo's arrived and examined him. I was chattering like a monkey, shock and not understanding. It turned out he had suffered a blackout due to exhaustion and being kept awake by another severely disabled adult. I was scared he was going to die and I also thought his tumor had erupted. Looking back, had I not known of his disability, I could've put his apparent daze down as just being slightly tired and ignored him. Because I had been made aware of his particular disabilities I acted. Had I not known, I too would've ignored. I'm positive had you known about your mothers mucus plug you would've moved Heaven on earth to assist her. Maybe she knew, maybe not, she's forgiven you because she knows you didn't know.

[Guest5643]

Hi paddyanne.

Sorry i havnt replied i dont feel like it. im in a very dark place lately completely unrelated to this thread.

[Guest5643]

Hi paddyanne.

Your absolutely right if i had known that my mum had something stuck i would never have walked off. Because she was so breathless for so many yrs and would grab onto to something. She would hold my shoulder alot and grab onto items but this is the first time she grabbed on my arm and she grabbed very tightly but i just assumed it wa the same at the time and didnt give it a second thought. Maybe i should look at it in a way that you saying she forgives me and tonys incredible poem as i sign she forgives me. Ive been waiting for a sign for her for so long maybe this is the sign shes sending me?

Cheers lynne