What can men do to help women feel safe?

[james1]

Hello everyone,

I just read an interesting article and have also recently watched a controversial show which got me thinking: what can men do to help women feel safe?

I would like to think that most if not all people here want a society where women do not feel like they are at risk. The situations that come to mind for me are walking through a dark area, being at a party and wanting to have a drink, leaving a drink to go to the loo, having a stranger talk to you, being offered a lift, among countless others.

I am asking because there have been many times where I have this massive umbrella (because I lose small ones) and I want to offer to share it with someone, but then I wonder if they'll think I'm creepy and be put off by that. Or if I'm driving my car and someone is running in torrential rain, and I want to give them a lift, but that is creepy. Or if I'm walking behind a lady in a dark alley, and so I stop walking and wait until I'm not making scary footsteps behind her.

Somehow by being a guy, I feel like my presence can be a threat so I try to avoid that as much as possible. So I just want to put it out to everyone: what can men do to help women feel safer? Is there even anything we can do (aside from the obvious don't do bad things)?

[blondguy]

Hi James1

An excellent topic James! This is a difficult one, as when we are willing to provide support our actions may be misconstrued as creepy or sleazy....This is sad as we have natural protective instincts to keep women safe yet sometimes we are tarred with the same brush as the few males that cross the line

I will keep showing my respect and courtesy to women whenever its possible

My kind thoughts

Paul

[J-J]

Very few gentlemen left in the world and James is one of them.

As a woman, if I'm at a party and we somewhat know each other, it would be nice if you offered to walk me to my car.

However, if it's in the middle of heavy downpour I would not feel comfortable getting into your car if I didn't know you.

It's hard to be either sex nowadays! What does a killer or worse look like? The most frightening monster looks normal, a woman is more frighten of homeless men than some average looking bloke.

I personally don't go out at night unless I'm with a friend, it's not safe anymore.

Thank you for offering this topic for us to think about

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi James,

Thanks for your post. This is so lovely to read and I really appreciate that you’re asking this.

As a woman though, I don’t think that I can give you a clear cut answer (sorry!).

The gesture of offering an umbrella can be perceived in so many different ways - anything from creepy to chivalrous. Ultimately it depends on their own experiences as to what they might think. For me personally, it would be unexpected but hugely appreciated! Although I might be too tall to accept it 😛

Personally, I’ve lived in the country and the city and there’s many things I do automatically - like holding my keys in my hand should I need to use them, or avoiding being alone in the dark. It’s unfortunate that we have to do this - but ultimately it’s not something that can change overnight.

I think that it’s probably easy to overthink things - and there’s always the potential of being creepy while trying not to be creepy - like for example if you were just standing there waiting for me to move far enough ahead I’d be more concerned then if you just happened to be a few steps behind. The irony I know!

I’m not sure how helpful any of this is! But hopefully it gives you something to think about.

Oh and sidenote: I stumbled across this article that gave me a giggle - https://medium.com/@annevictoriaclark/the-rock-test-a-hack-for-men-who-dont-want-to-be-accused-of-sexual-harassment-73c45e0b49af While it’s about sexual harassment I think it applies to everything - including helping people feel comfortable!

[james1]

Hi Paul, thanks for your comment. It's interesting that you talk about a protective instinct. I sometimes worry that my wanting to protect may come across as a sense of ownership. I guess it's a fine balance and perhaps has no clear answer. I've been yelled at for opening a door, and yelled at for not opening a door, and so I get confused about do I offer to walk you to the car, or do I not?

Hello J-J, thank you. What you said makes sense. I once offered this old lady to drive her car to the place she needed to go. She stopped to ask for directions and clearly wasn't going to get there on her own. So I drove her there, we had a nice chat, then I walked back to where I was and went home. My mother yelled at me because I was putting myself at risk. I found that funny, because if anything, I thought this old lady would be more at risk of me being a creep! Of course, she could've had someone in the back of the car, she could've had a gun...but at the time, I felt safe and I probably felt safer than she did.

Hello romantic_thi3f, haha if you are tall, there would be no chance of me offering my umbrella except to give it to you outright. I am definitely on the shorter side! But yes, it seems like there is not really a 'solution' to this. With friends it is certainly easier. With complete strangers...I dunno.

I have once walked past a woman at about 1AM who seemed to have a guy following her. I was really uneasy about that guy, but maybe that's just prejudice against hoodies. I needed to cross the road but unfortunately, she crossed the road, then he crossed the road. So I just kept walking forward and crossed later. I didn't really know what to do - do I stop and look back to see if he is following her? Do I just keep walking and hope I don't have to read something in the news?

I know we can't help everybody, but it's situations like that which make me want to help but perhaps I can't?

Anyway, more light-hearted, that article was great! I actually shared that with a few of my friends as my own little social experiment, and it was interesting to see the different responses from the males (didn't know what to say) versus the females (had a laugh)!

[Elizabeth CP]

I think you aren't responsible for other misconceptions!! Years ago I sensed intense dislike from a work colleague which made life very difficult. The more i tried the worse the situation grew. Eventually I found out I reminded her of someone who treated her really badly so just seeing me triggered an intense reaction. It had nothing to do with me or my behaviour. Once I realised that I could cope.

Some women have been so badly treated by a man or men in the past that anything you do could trigger intense fear & negative reactions. This is not about you but her past.I believe you need to trust your instincts treating women with respect & doing this with confidence. If you are rejected that is their loss & due to their own problems not you. Being overly apologetic may be seen as being creepy trying to do something underhanded whereas most people would see you as being respectful if you act confidently. This applies particularly to hanging back to avoid following someone.

[james1]

Hello Elizabeth CP,

It's certainly true that there are many residual issues from previous abuse and it's very sad that the abuse can lead to mistrust of men in general.

I understand where you are coming from in terms of acting confidently, but even that is only going to be helpful sometimes I think. Perhaps there is really no win-win case if I am following someone who has had a bad experience. In the past, I've really tried everything and it always seems to garner suspicion. Even walking to the other side of the road and just completely minding my own business.

Hmm...thanks for the comments everyone. It's been helpful for me. It sounds like the best conscious act for men individually is to talk to other men and call out bad behaviour, check in with female friends and encourage better systematic safety mechanisms like better lit streets and more effective laws. Going beyond this, while it would be nice in an ideal world, just seems to be too easily misconstrued which is a bit sad.

[Elizabeth CP]

As you say you have no control on what others think particularly if they have had a bad experience in the past but they are the exception. It would be a shame if those few influenced how you acted in general.

As women we need good men to set an example to the others. I certainly appreciate men who treat me with respect. Offering a women a seat, opening doors etc are appreciated by most. If they decline that is their choice but doesn't change the fact you acted as a gentleman. I remember falling & a man offered to assist. I declined feeling very embarrassed & thinking I could get up on my own but ended up requiring help from someone else. I felt really bad for the first man because I was worried he might have felt hurt by my rejection when in reality I appreciated his offer.

With women you know it is easier because you get to know what they prefer. For example my husband doesn't open my car door because I'm too impatient but he will open the door to the house particularly if I have my hands full of shopping. It is those little acts of kindness & consideration that help.

[Croix]

Dear James~

If more in society felt the good natured concern you do then there would not be half the problems there are. Plus as you say more safety measures such as lighting will help.

As oyu have said there is no fixed answer about offering help, you would behave differently with someone who knows you as against someone who did not.

One thing one does need taking into account is the difference between someone being merely uncomfortable and in genuine danger or great distress. Under such circumstances the problem of being misunderstood does tend to vanish, thought of course other practical problems may be there instead.

If the person in the hoodie committed an assault then your intervention (assuming you could do so in safety) would be appreciated. Similarly if hte rain caused a flood and someone was being swept away you could make firm contact to effect a rescue and be thanked.

On the matter of picking up hitchhikers, I never so so, and this is as much for my protection as anything else.

Croix

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi James!

Hah! Well you can keep the umbrella because I love the rain anyway! But that’s such a lovely gesture.

That’s a really interesting situation - and to me it seems so different to offering an umbrella or a lift - you were genuinely concerned about her safety.
Having said that though - there was every possibility the guy happened to be going to same way and happened to have a hoodie because he was cold!

I think maybe it would help to just mentally list all the options in your head - yes you can keep walking, yes you can stop. Which of those options have less cons and more pros?
The other option could be to ask ‘hey, I saw that guy back there - did you want me to walk with you?’ That way the ball can be in her court rather than you feeling responsible.

Anyway I’m not sure how helpful this has been. It’s tricky. Your intentions are good but yet the way we’re going to perceive it is just so different and sometimes a bit unpredictable. You could offer 10 woman to walk to their car and I imagine they’d all react so differently. But at the end of the day - if you feel more comfortable offering (knowing some might not appreciate it) rather than not - then it’s worth doing.

Oh, and I’m so glad you liked the article! That sounds like a really interesting experiment 🙂