Hi Panic
My heart goes out to you so much as you find yourself desperately in need of an upward spiral, while suffering so much and in so many ways right now.
Speaking from experience, it's definitely not easy to see how that downward spiral plays out. While there may be a few outstanding or obvious reasons for it, often it's the little things that we often can't identify. It's like we just brush over them with thoughts like 'I should be able to manage this, most people can', 'I need to just get on with this and stop dwelling' or 'I need to just toughen up and stop being so sensitive'. The thing is...what is the management plan for being able to manage? What is it trying to catch our attention, leading us to dwell or focus on what seriously needs addressing? What is it we're actually sensing, as a sensitive person, but are dismissing or trying to ignore? With that little sage-like voice in our head suggesting 'You're on the verge of reaching a tipping point', we can push it away with a 'I'll be fine'. It's like deep down you know you won't be fine but you live in hope that you will be. Then eventually it comes, that tipping point.
Whether it's our body or the powers that be that dictate 'Okay, now you've got no choice but to take a time out', we can be forced to take the time to break everything down. I've found, again through my own experience, there can be a con-structive breakdown and a de-structive or should I say negative one. The constructive one can involve identifying a whole list of seriously valid reasons for the downward spiral and eventual tipping point. It's a list that can wake us up to a lot of factors and truths, including the truth when it comes to how amazing we've actually been under the circumstances. The destructive breakdown can involve a whole list dictated by our inner critic, some of society's ridiculous standards and beliefs etc etc. It's a list that we feel as being completely believable and undeniably depressing. Two extremely different lists. Being forced into a time out, it's so incredibly important to be highly conscious of what kind of list we're dealing with. I think how others around us see a breakdown plays a big factor too. While I appreciate feeling compassion from others as a form of soothing and support, the 'Oh, the poor thing. She's having a bit of a breakdown' vibe can have negative effects. It can lead us to perceive ourself as being 'weak' or 'broken' or something along those lines, when the truth is we're facing a powerful time in our life that announces the process of 'waking up' and reforming ourself and our life. Yep, not an easy time, that's for sure. Far from it.
I believe the most constructive kind of breakdown can involve surrounding ourself with people who are going to wonder with us, so that we're not left wondering alone. While alone, we can be left wondering why we feel so hopeless, why we can't manage, why we're feeling down etc etc. With others, they may also wonder why we feel so hopeless, why we can't manage, why we're feeling down etc but have all the answers. Before you know it, you're starting to spiral upwards through much needed revelations, guidance and support. While we can't always see clearly, the reasons for the downward spiral and the way forward, sometimes we need others who can see for us. In a period of our life we're we can feel ourself navigating blindly (sometimes through the darkness of depression), it pays to have the most constructive and helpful seers guiding us, those who can see clearly.❤️
