Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

Thank you Mother Hen 🙏🐓 The cold has been very blah. I was optimistic at the beginning and thought it wasn’t going to be too bad, but it’s turned out pretty unpleasant. I slept throughout the afternoon, waking up every 2 hours to cough and splutter and blow my nose, then back to sleep again. I think I’m on the turnaround now with gradual improvement.

I know animals are so special for you Paws. I am a strong believer that there should be petting zoos for adults. Years ago I was working for a local council and there was a festival in and around the building. There was a customer we had who’d been around a while. He was very gentle, probably approaching middle age, and I think may have been a refugee. When he came to the desk with an inquiry he was so tentative and shy. On this particular day of the festival there was a petting zoo for kids directly outside and visible through the window. This man sat in the petting zoo the whole time it was there, holding and petting the animals. I’m almost sure he had some kind of trauma and that the animals were really helping him. I’m so glad that no one told him he couldn’t be there and it was fine with all the kids enjoying the animals in there too. It makes me almost cry a bit remembering him. I feel like there needs to be a lot more nurturance in the world and animals can really help with that.

I was thinking if you ever do go to see a therapist Paws, and I know you may or may not want to, but finding one who has a therapy dog might be really helpful. I have read of psychology and counselling practices that have a therapy dog as part of the team. The dog may sit in on sessions or be in the waiting area as a calming influence on clients. I do my sessions via Telehealth and sometimes I can hear my therapist’s dog wrestling with a squeaky toy in the background 😂 This is actually quite therapeutic and comical. It’s never lasted for long, just a momentary distraction. I totally relate to what you say about feeling the body actively calm when stroking or petting an animal. It can be really transformative. And I agree that animals can feel easier to understand and trust.

I didn’t have any annoying fellow passengers on the bus. The two in front of me on the way there were having a most interesting conversation which I wasn’t trying to eavesdrop on but could hear anyway, so it was a form of entertainment. On the way back I had a nice lady to chat with next to me for part of the journey. I’m just really hoping I wasn’t infectious with my cold then. With the DSP here you can get one regional bus or train return journey for free, so I didn’t have to pay for it. It is technically about 2 hours longer than driving, but I often take breaks when driving, so the total time was not all that much different.

Well off to sleep on my couch again tonight. I’m really enjoying being on it actually and the indoor camping experience. I have the screen door open now and there’s quite a strong breeze. It makes me feel a bit refreshed rather than just like a blob of germs from the cold 😆

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER, wave to all,

I've been sending you feel better vibes so I hope they are making it across the Nullarbor.  Why do colds do that.. lull us into a false sense of 'oh this isn't too bad, should be good tomorrow'  & then hit us with the whole shebang of symptoms.  I won't ask if you are feeling any better... that would be tempting fate 🤧 

I don't know why, but when I read 'just like a blob of germs ' I immediately had this vision of cartoon germ blobs sitting around a meeting table discussing what symptom to hit you with next.. with a white board diagram of tactics already used & their success rate. 🙃  

I would love a petting zoo for adults, though my problem would be wanting to take them all home with me.  No officer I don't have a duck 🦆 under my coat, it is just my tummy quacking as I'm hungry. 🤣   I have thought of volunteering at a rescue or pound, but I think it would break my heart to have to leave them there each evening in their pens.

You made me curious so I checked & we have the one free regional trip for DSP holders too, which I didn't know before now.  I also nosed about the VicTransport site & had a look at the pensioner fares here for regional travel & I must admit to being very surprised at how low cost they are, at just a few dollars.  Having said that if you needed to pay it everyday it would quickly add up, but it seems perfect for pensioners who can't or don't want to drive a long distance yet still want to be able to get away or visit family. 

If people are going to talk loud enough in a public place that the people around them can hear it all, I think it behoves them to at least make it interesting.  I hope the passengers from in front of you concluded their conversation before you all reached your destination... nothing worst than being left hanging without knowing how it all turned out.  It's like borrowing a book & discovering the last few pages missing.

🥃 Here is a glass of hot lemon & honey for you

Paws

hugs

[Eagle Ray]

Hello dear Paws,

You made me laugh with the vision of cartoon blobs sitting around a meeting table, plotting the next symptoms to inflict me with 🦠🤣 One is like, “I think I’ll crawl into the left ear next, hee hee!” Another is like, “Let’s turn this sinus passage into a slippery slide, woohoo!” They must be wearing me out because I’ve slept for much of the day on my trusty couch. Who knows what else they are up to in the blob board room 😆

Yes, being in a petting zoo and wanting to take some pets home is most understandable. If I ever see one in public I have to go and have a look at it. I just watch from the outside but have to admit I’d quite like to sit in there and hang out with the animals. 5 years ago now I did a session of equine therapy. After spending time with the horse the therapist said that if I wanted to there was a cat with kittens in a small hut structure nearby and I could go in there and sit with them. So I did that and let the kittens climb all over me for a while. It was very therapeutic and mama cat didn’t mind. It probably gave her a break from being climbed all over 😂

Yes, being able to travel relatively inexpensively on regional transport is a good thing. I did notice that I do get a little motion sickness on the bus which happened on a previous regional bus journey, but I’m fine on trains. If I was in Melbourne for longer than I have been I’d be exploring on the trains. I almost decided to catch the train to Castlemaine for the day on my last day there but didn’t in the end, and went for a walk by the Yarra instead.

The passengers on the bus did finish their conversation as one had to get off at the second last stop. It was fascinating, but I won’t recount the details here to protect their privacy, other than to say it entered the intriguing world of metaphysics. It gave me interesting things to think about anyway.

Well I’m still a bit blobby but I know I’m improving. I hope the weather conditions are becoming more reasonable where you are. While it was warm here it was quite tolerable whereas I saw it got very hot in Perth.

Sleep well Paws and anyone else reading.

Hugs,

ER

[Eagle Ray]

P.S. I meant to say thank you for the lemon & honey drink ☺️

[Paw Prints]

Hello Blobby One,

I hope the blobs are not having as much success in making you feel like one of them.

How is the indoor camping going?  I haven't seen the weather out your way, but I hope it is warm enough, without being too hot, for you to continue residing on your couch enjoying the breezes.  Better yet I hope you are feeling well enough to get outdoors even if only as far as your garden.  I must ask... have the babies left their nest yet?

I need to replace the flywire on most of my windows because with the birds landing & pecking at insects on them they do have holes big enough for bugs to get through.  I confess lazy me has just been blocking most of these gaps with clear nail polish.  I am puzzled by a screen on one my bedroom windows, in the bottom left hand portion there has developed a largish (size of my palm) hole which looks all the world like some creature has been scratching at it in the one place.  It is roughly 3 feet off the ground, I have no idea what has or could cause it.  

Wow your fellow passengers did have an interesting topic.  A discussion on metaphysics is not one of those everyday boring gossip sessions that are the main bane of public transport.  I'm glad it was intriguing enough for you to enjoy thinking about it.

Yes thankfully the weather here has been much cooler, mostly only the mid to high 20s.  The winds over the weekend & Monday were awful though.  The old buffet I have on my back verandah to use as a potting station had two of the doors ripped off.   They usually bang a bit in high winds as the magnetic catches don't hold well, but I wasn't expecting to find them torn off their hinges.  I will have to think out a better way of keeping them firmly closed before I bother putting them back on.

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello dear Paws,

Well the blob situation has improved. The blobs have insisted on congestion and a cough persisting, but fortunately a slightly annoying cough rather than one of those incessant ones.

I am still enjoying indoor camping. It's largely because I haven't felt up to changing the bedsheets, but I also really like my couch and sleeping in the lounge room with the screen door letting in the fresh air. Just a little while ago I saw the most beautiful moon rising. It was very orange. The weather is cool here so it's definitely not too hot and being downstairs on the couch is cooler in the hot weather anyway compared to being upstairs where my bed is but where there is no roof insulation and it gets a lot warmer.

I did get outdoors today. I even did some pruning in the garden late yesterday and went for a lovely walk this morning. The noisy baby galahs have been out of the nest for a while but continue to squawk incessantly. They throw their whole body into it - putting up their crest, raising their wings and rocking back and forth as they screech non-stop. The adults seem to be quite used to it, though occasionally look a bit frazzled from it all. They manage to briefly quieten the noise by regurgitating food into baby, before the screeching starts again like a runaway steam train.

I wonder what sort of creature has been making the larger hole in the flywire? Do you think it could be a possum or rodent? Or some sort of small native marsupial? There is a marsupial mouse here called a Mardo. When I was staying with friends at a house on their family's bush property, we had Mardo come in and sniffing about in the kitchen. They do look a little like mice and are sometimes mistaken for them. I imagine you are in a location where small native marsupials could be about. Have you thought of putting your wildlife cam pointing in that direction to see if you can see any creatures in that spot?

Gosh, those must have been some major winds to knock the doors off the buffet. They might need a different mechanism for holding them, maybe a latch system instead of the magnetic catches. I'm glad you have the cooler weather now. It must be such a relief.

Well I'm off to my couch now for sleepy time. I hope you are sleeping peacefully where it will be well into the night by now.

Big hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

It sounds like the blobs are putting you through the standard cold regime.  If that is true then you are nearly at the end... yaayy!!!  The congestion & cough can be very tiring & annoying, but they do usually signify the end is in sight.  

I'm so glad you are feeling up to getting out doors again.  That will be good for you on so many levels.  Well it sounds like my Magpie fledgling is behaving much better than your Galah fledglings are.   The poor parents sound very hard done by & you are so good not grumbling about the constant screeching.  I find the screeching of the Sulfur-Crested Cockatoos in my nearby village awful & I'm only there for minutes, I would dread the thought of having it close to me all day.  My fledging is learning to warble properly & is making good progress.

I hadn't thought of putting my wildlife cam out to see what was causing the damage to my flywire... thank you... that is a great idea.  

After sleeping away Thursday I have actually gotten up feeling much brighter than recently.  I've even managed to get a few things done already & I even feel up to doing more, though I will try to pace myself so as not to fall over mentally... & physically⛸

Huggily hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Paws,

That is so lovely hearing about the magpie fledgling learning to warble. I absolutely love baby magpies. They are so funny. I've watched them run about, pick something up like a leaf as if practising picking up something to eat before realising it's not what they want to eat, before going back to a parent with that baby noise they make that says "feed me". It's like watching them discovering the world and figuring things out, while still being something of a baby. It's beautiful hearing them learn to warble. I find warbling magpies to be one of the most lovely, peaceful sounds.

Have you had any luck so far detecting the creature who may be responsible for the flywire holes? I am trying to be vigilant at the moment as I have both peaches and pomegranates that are well developed on the tree but not quite ready to pick. It's delicate timing, getting the fruit at the right time before possums and birds do. I can tell when possums have been at the citrus because of the way they open up and scoop out the fruit in a more dextrous way than birds can.

Yes, I think going slowly and pacing things out is the way to go. I am slowly learning just how much I really do have limits and I can't put expectations on myself that are too big. I'm guessing you may be similar to me, envisioning all that you feel you need to get through, only to feel not great when it isn't achieved. I am finding I am having to sleep a lot in the day at the moment. I'm experiencing a lot of flashbacks as well as chaotic dissociation so that my brain feels useless for long periods. I simply cannot think to function and lying down becomes the only option. But I do find, similar to what you seem to describe, that an extended period of rest/sleep does leave me feeling brighter. I think we need to be so kind to ourselves and realise our bodies are in these states for a reason. I am learning to be kinder to my body and respond to what it needs, rather than punish it and try to force it, which ends up being counterproductive.

It's a sunny day here with a nice breeze. Yesterday was really windy. I hope all is peaceful with pleasant weather where you are Paws.

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

I must confess I am becoming quite fond of the magpie fledging & I do look forward to it's visits.  The only down side is if it hangs about it does keep the fairy wrens away & then I find myself missing their antics.  

I wish I was functioning at a level where I would have results from my wildlife camera... the truth is I did go to where I thought I had put it when I last brought it in... it wasn't there... so now looking for it is included in the very long list of things for me to do.  At least I am fairly certain it is in the house & not set up outside somewhere.

Have you thought of netting your fruit trees or does the wildlife leave you enough that you aren't bothered about sharing?  

Oh lass the flashbacks & dissociation must be so draining both physically & mentally for you.  Even though you know logically they are part of your healing process, I'm sure that doesn't help in the here & now of you experiencing them.  I hope you are getting your daily dose of nature to help you manage, even if it is only from your couch with your screen door open.

You are right that trying to push ourselves too hard does end up being counterproductive.  I wish there was a consistent sweet spot between not pushing ourselves enough & pushing too hard, but of course it isn't that simple as it varies depending on where we are at each day.  We also need to get better at giving ourselves permission to do very little or even nothing when our brain's executive function goes on strike, it isn't laziness or stupidity, it is simply something our mind does & berating or judging ourselves doesn't help.

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Paws,

It’s so lovely, you are getting the regular visits from the magpie fledgling. The birds here got very active from this afternoon, as it became rainy with a thunderstorm, and they seem to love being active in the rain. There was the most beautiful light at sunset, with an orange glow reflecting from the clouds onto my garden and everything. I think I am okay with sharing my fruit trees with the birds and possums. We have the western ringtail possum here which is rare, so I am happy to support the population. I will still try to get my share of peaches though as it is the best peach crop I have had since I’ve been here 🍑

The dissociation is really bad to the extent that I struggle to function most of the time. I am not sleeping tonight, so I thought I may as well come here. I am being encouraged to complete a study project I started years ago at the moment by the institution where I was doing it. I am not sure if my brain is up for it. I have so much grief surfacing as well. I am so confused about everything. I really need more support with the DID. It’s apparently normal to have 2-3 therapy sessions a week with DID but that’s not affordable yet I know that support would really help with the dissociation. I could apply for NDIS but it’s another thing with all I’m balancing. Feeling lost and overwhelmed. If I disappear for a bit I’m just trying to deal with everything. I’m exhausted from masking externally when my internal world is chaos, but I really have no choice as disclosing DID is risky and could have worse effects on my mental health and life.

Yes, pushing ourselves is not really helpful when our system is overwhelmed and needs gentleness. I hope you are doing ok Paws as I think of you and know it’s tough being on your own and trying to mobilise to do things and get things in order. Take kind and gentle care of yourself as you are worth it.

I will make another attempt at sleep now. I hope you are sleeping well 😴

Hugs,

ER