Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws and Croix,

Ahhh, the blue screen of doom 😲 I am finding at the moment there is some kind of issue with posts not submitting, like a glitch in the system, so I end up copying the content and having to refresh the screen then paste in the content again. Anyway, I hope the blue screen of doom does not become too prevalent.

Animal was my favourite as a kid because I liked how crazy he was, like it gave permission to go bananas 🤣 I think I really wanted a drum kit to bash too 🥁 I did not know the actual name of all the band members, but I do visually remember them when I see them. The names are quite funny - e.g. Lips played the trumpet - ha ha!

I did not know at all about Penguin Awareness Day. How lovely there is such a thing. It's made me realise that probably nearly every day of the year is an awareness day for something. That made me look that up, and in parts of the world where it is still the 21 Jan (it's 22 Jan here), it's Squirrel Awareness Day 😂 Specifically I read that it "is a day to learn about and celebrate the world's cutest rodents" 😆 

Yes, I think it's very important we keep the kiwis away from marker pens 🤣 The penguins may draw some fish, but then it's going to be predictable. So I'm hoping the sounds of banjo music will trigger something else in their minds that is unexpected. As banjo music is played in the Appalachian mountains, perhaps something weird will emerge, like a fish/squirrel hybrid creature (especially given that it's squirrel awareness time and images of squirrels may be floating around in the collective uncoscnoius, ready to be downloaded into the minds of penguins). I probably sound like a kiwi who has been imbibing now.

Yes, it was very hot in parts of WA yesterday. I think it was about 41 in Perth. There were some local reports from the Pilbara exceeding 50 degrees while I think the official records were in the high 40s up there. Fortunately it was the high 20s down here, so much more pleasant. There was even some rain this morning. Baby galahs are squawking incessantly in trees across from me as I type this. There are lots of birds chattering actually and the birds love this sort of cloudy, slightly rainy weather. I hope too that those showers where you are Paws put out any remnant fires.

I meant to say too Croix, I also like Gareth Lucas' images of narwhals. He does so many different animals and they are so cute.

Have a lovely day,

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER, Croix, wave to everyone,

I've noticed these past few days that BB is not saving posts. I almost always do the copy paste anyway as my connection can drop in & out which can leave me blissfully typing away while not actually connected, no connection means BB can't save it or often I've taken too long writing my post & it only saves a set amount of times & I've exceeded them. 

"I probably sound like a kiwi who has been imbibing now."  Should I be hiding the markers from you as well? 🤣🤣  

Hmmm... you are right it would be rather predictable that the penguins would draw fish...  perhaps we could distract the penguins from entering the drawing competition by having them perform a Penguin Spectacular along the lines of Happy Feet meets Riverdance...  🐧🐧💃  That way we can keeping the drawing contest for the multitudes who will attend. 🥳  I'm sure the penguins will be tickled pink to perform.  We do need to think of who we can get to do the catering????  The kiwis can re-open their brewery from the last do, so drinks are sorted.... but food???

Yes Animal was one of my favourite Muppets too.  The others were the two old codgers sitting in the theatre balcony... I loved their irreverence.  I was rather fond of the Swedish Chef as well.

Unfortunately the showers weren't enough to put the fires nearest me out & the latest update is that there are still hot spots & some fire in the areas the crews can't reach.  The good news is that it is contained, plus the smoke has mostly cleared & they have had a week to build defensive lines ahead of the hot weather this coming weekend.  

How lovely having the baby Galahs serenading you.  Though I do hope you don't have a large flock of adults about as they can be deafening when all squawking at once, plus the do like to chew everything they shouldn't.  

hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws, Croix and All,

I love the idea of Happy Feet meets Riverdance 😀 As penguins have feet but wings instead of arms, they are going to be naturally drawn to the Riverdance style I think. The catering, hmmm? 🤔 Well, Professor Porpoise has been working on using AI to generate new food combinations, previously unknown on planet Earth. Like a sort of hybrid genetic mish mash. We could advertise that we have a brand new cuisine with unique flavours. But perhaps another possibility is serving traditional foods from the Appalachian mountains to go with the banjo music. I have just read that such foods include corn bread, soup beans, biscuits and gravy, collard or mustard greens and wild game such as squirrel and rabbit. (Well that might be a bit sad after it being Squirrel Awareness Day the other day). But perhaps we can subvert that by having a Squirrel Catering Team, though they will probably mostly serve nuts, seeds, fruits and fungi. That would be at least interesting, since such things are usually not found in the vicinity of an iceberg. They would be nice nibbles to go with the kiwis' brewery concoction.

I'm glad the fires are at least contained, even if the rain didn't fully put them out. I was reading about how the Western Ground Parrot population may have been impacted by fires here in WA. They are very rare, but it's hoped they were able to move to escape recent fire. It's a little rainy again here this morning. As for the baby galahs, the word "serenade" is kind of the opposite of the noise they make 😂 It's non-stop, relentless screeching and I watch their bodies move non-stop with it as well. It's like an in-built evolutionary demand system - feed me now!!! And the parents are so endlessly patient.

I hope today is a good day.

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER, wave to everyone,

Oh baby Galahs screeching... hmmm who will be happiest when they fledge, the parents or you their landlord???

I read about the fires in WA affecting the Western Ground Parrot, hopefully there is enough remnant bush for them to survive in.  It is good that the zoo has managed to get a pair in captivity to breed, as it means we have a better idea of what exactly the parrot needs to thrive, so that should assist with choosing any planting needed to help regenerate the burnt areas.  We have a large Koala population in the Otways so I'm worrying about how many will be lost with these fires.  I do wish they would allow, even just a trial, of First Nation cool burning practices in the park as the big fires we get destroy so much.

I do prefer the offering that the squirrels could prepare (minus the fungi) that would be nice as finger food for the guests as they wander about.  Professor Porpoise's AI offerings might be a bit daring, but you never know, folk who are willing to venture to an iceberg adrift in the ocean to attend a banjo duel, might just be daring enough to give his food a go... who knows they may even like it.   I was thinking perhaps we could "liberate" some clams from the stash of a certain walrus???  We might need to do it while he is calling the dancing, as that would be the only time we could get near them without being seen.

I've been wondering... are you still doing your walks out to your rock & along the estuary?  

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

I’m typing this in bed as a way to settle as I’ve been rushing to organise myself as going to the city again tomorrow.

Yes, I really hope the impact on the koalas in the Otways is minimal. It’s sad to hear of the fires there. It’s such a beautiful area and I hope the rainforest is not hit too hard. I was there when I was 17 and I loved it, especially beautiful waterfalls. I agree about the First Nations cool burns. There have been practices going for millennia where they know the patterns and the landscape and it seems like such a wise approach. There is so much wisdom to be had there, the ability to listen to and read the landscape in a subtle way.

Ah, yes, a few clams would add a dash of class to our meal offerings at the duelling banjo marathon. We will distract Croix with barn dancing responsibilities and the penguins can sneak a few. Hehe!

I still walk sometimes at the estuary and my favourite rock, but lately I’ve been visiting a section further up the river a lot. That place has been calling me so I instinctively go there. There’s a spot there where I find I have really good communication with my parts/alters. We work through a lot there. I’m having days at a time that are really challenging emotionally with flashbacks and specific parts going through trauma stuff, but it’s like it’s presenting for resolution and we are managing to heal stuff as we go. But it’s also harrowing and utterly exhausting. I spoke to a lovely person on Lifeline today who was genuinely interested, supportive and provided the co-regulation I really needed for my nervous system.

How is everything in your world Paws? How have you been feeling and going with everything?

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

I hope the drive to the city wasn't too tiring or stressful.  It would be good for you, if you have the time, to catch up with your friend & her little girl.  A spot of childlike playing is good for us & what better chance than when we are with a child.

It is good to hear that the person you spoke to at Lifeline was so understanding & gave you the support you needed.  Having a place to go that instinctively feels right & safe to work through things sounds so intuitively right.  It must be difficult dealing with everything that is being brought up & yet it is wonderful that amongst all the pain you can feel there is some healing occurring.

How am I?  I'm trying not to be cross or disappointed with myself & trying to take the smallest of small achievements as being worth even considering as a positive thing.  My house looks as chaotic & disorganised as my mind is.  Everything is everywhere from bench tops to table tops, on furniture & even the floor which has become an obstacle course with stuff to be stepped over or around.  I'm spending far too much time doing mindless repetitive things like playing mahjong or solitaire rather than working on making progress or even doing the basics.  No good my grumbling about it, I'm the only person who can change things.  Isn't the definition of insanity that we keep doing the same things & yet expect a different outcome. 🙄

Have a lovely sleep after yor long drive

hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Paws,

I went to reply to you yesterday and several of the long term threads had disappeared including yours, so I’m glad I can see you again. I thought maybe they were reshuffling threads.

I was recently listening to an interview with singer/musician Marlon Williams and his most recent album, when translated from Māori into English, is entitled “The Messy House”. He was speaking about how chaos can be part of creativity, the context from which new creation emerges for which he used a messy house as a metaphor. It made me feel better about the clutter and seeming lack of organisation in my place, that perhaps it’s the chaos out of which something more formed and directed is emerging, hopefully into something creatively meaningful. So I just thought I’d share that in case it helps you reframe a sense of your own place and the things in it that you are trying to sort. Marlon was speaking about imperfection being part of the creative process. I feel like sometimes we need to be in a state of chaos before new forms and meanings emerge that give us some sense of things in the direction of our lives. My brain is a bit like that at the moment - a messy house, so I relate to you feeling like that too. 

Yes, I have found locations that feel safe and intuitively right for me are very necessary in healing. For me as a child, nature was my healing place and it’s literally all I had to co-regulate with as I had no safe attachments in the human world. So it remains sometimes the one thing I have when the human world is overwhelming and unsafe, which at times it can still feel like to me. But the right people can really help too, and the person at Lifeline knew just how to be present with me and just maintained that presence as long as was needed for me to settle and begin to feel safe again.

I won’t have a chance to see my friend and her little girl on this trip but I did see them up here earlier this month. But last night I caught up with two lovely friends who I saw at the David Byrne concert. I booked to go to it months ago and I’m so glad I did. It was incredibly fun, musically amazing and full of creativity and hope. The musicians move around freely on stage with all of them untethered, including the percussionists. David spoke about the value of love and kindness, and how they are almost like the punk rock resistance of today - that we need to resist the trends in how the world is going including the direction of his country. He wasn’t preachy at all but manages to convey these things in ways that feel light and hopeful. He is one of my favourite people who is making the world a better place.

I hope you are going ok in the Victorian heatwave? It’s quite extreme in a number of places. I only have one more day in Perth before it starts getting quite hot here again.

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

I'm so glad you enjoyed the concert & managed to catch up with friends.  Will Paws admit his name didn't ring a bell, though she felt it should???... hmmm possibly... definitely a senior moment though, after googling him & seeing he was part of Talking Heads the penny dropped. 🙄  I even saw an interview with him on the news a few days ago 🤪  I love that he made it a fun event & spoke of things like hope & kindness, that must have had everyone leaving the concert feeling brighter.  Even better is that your friends were there too & so you could chat about it after.

I wish I could say my house is just messy or even to be able to call it organised chaos.  I would like think it will lead to some spark of creativity, but I think it is more likely going to lead to a fall.  While I had Woofa I could mostly say that it was 'clean enough to be healthy & dirty enough to be happy'  the second part usually referred to Woofa decorating the place with Dane glitter (fur) & the slobber that would appear on the walls & ceiling from him shaking his head after a drink.  It also meant I wasn't obsessed with keeping my home immaculate, leaving a cup on the sink until I next did dishes was fine.  I haven't been able to find my sense of balance (mental balance) since I lost him & my house is reflecting that. 

Yesterday hit 43 but by evening with the cool change it dropped to the low 20s so I have had the house open to air it & clear the smoke smell.  It will be heating up as we near the weekend but hopefully only the low 30s.  

Once the bird bath was in shade yesterday I filled it & not long after the juvenile Magpie arrived for a drink shortly to be joined by the adult.  Normally they just have a drink & then leave.  Yesterday they stayed & stayed... a bit over two hours... they would pop down & grab a feed & then right back to the bath. The poor things had their beaks open when they arrived, the way birds do when they are overheating, the odd thing was they didn't try to bathe, they simply stood in the water.  It has left me wondering if they instinctively know to cool down gradually so they don't go into shock from a sudden drop of temperature.

I hope you have a good drive back home.

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Paws,

Thank you, yes, it was so nice to see my friends and we all really enjoyed the concert so much and had a great chat afterwards.

I can really hear how challenging it has been not having Woofa there whose presence was so regulating in so many ways. He would have given a sense of purpose and structure to everything as well as being relational support with his big, lovely self. David Byrne was saying during his concert that “people need people”. He also performed the Talking Heads song “This Must be the Place” and there is a line in that which is “I’m just an animal looking for a home”. I think everyone, including humans, are animals looking for a home, and we all need other people or other animals to be optimally healthy. I know that if you have a new doggy it will be so helpful for you. I wonder if there is a way to have a doggy join the chaos in the house sooner rather than trying to get everything in order first? I wonder if a doggy being there will actually make it easier to function? I’ve certainly found that as soon as I’m with other people I feel comfortable with, or pets, my level of functionality goes up and it becomes easier to do things. Having said that, I’m also aware a new puppy needs a lot of care and input so I understand wanting to get things ready beforehand.

At the same time as speaking about the need for human connectivity, David Byrne mentioned that during the pandemic he was quite content being alone in his apartment. He learned to cook new dishes and found plenty of interesting things to do. He then went to the supermarket and saw one woman throwing potatoes at another woman and realised not everyone was coping in the ways that he was. He performed his song “My Apartment is My Friend” that he wrote about his experience of that time and it included a photographic backdrop of it on the stage. He identifies as autistic but is not diagnosed, like myself, and in autism there can be a tendency to personify inanimate things. I have done this myself and experience objects as animate and like they have a personality. The lyrics of the song are really nice anyway. The song is offbeat and quirky. But I was just wondering if imagining your home as a friend may also be helpful in navigating your way through things? We can be so hard on ourselves and critical of our own spaces and how we see ourselves managing them, but I wonder if having a sort of kind friendship with a living space could be helpful? I know that may sound weird, so feel free to go tell Eagle Ray to shut up if that’s not helpful 😆

43 is super hot 🥵 You are clearly really helping local bird life. Yes, that would make sense that the magpies would gradually get used to the water so as to not have too much of a shock. Animals seem to instinctively know what to do. It’s like the way swimming in the ocean on a hot day is more of a shock than on a cooler, grey day.

It’s beautiful here this morning with lovely sun and a gentle breeze. I have a cold and going to have a bit more of a lie down on my couch where I slept last night actually. I like it because I can have the screen door open at night and I feel like I’m camping in nature. I forgot to mention I didn’t drive to the city this time, I caught the bus. It’s a different experience being able to solely look at the view instead of concentrating on driving, and the view looks different from the height of the bus.

Take care and big hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER, wave to everyone,

Having a cold is blah... big time.  The couch is a good place for you to be, you can make yourself a cosy nest & being able to prop yourself up will help your breathing.  I will keep everything crossed that it is just a mild cold that disappears in a few days.  My mother hen hat has gone on so I can remind you to rest, drink plenty of fluids & try to eat, even if everything seems tasteless.  Ok mother hen hat off.

I would never 'go tell Eagle Ray to shut up'. I know everything you write is coming from a wonderfully kind person who cares about others & is genuinely trying to help.  

Being around animals has always been my safe space.  I can actively feel my body calm when I'm stroking or petting any furry, feathered animal however big or small.  Plus from a young age I would hyper-focus on a particular type of animal or breed & gather every fact about it or anything associated with it like a bower bird collecting bits & bobs.  I've always found animals are much easier to understand & trust than people.  

If you didn't need your car in town then catching the bus sounds like a brilliant idea.  Far less stressful than driving yourself, plus the bonus of being able to enjoy the scenery or lose yourself in a book. Hopefully you didn't have any annoying fellow passengers.  Did the trip take much longer than driving yourself?  

I hope your weather holds & you can continue to enjoy your indoor camping 🙃

Hugs

Paws