Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

I was only there for 2 weeks, but I must admit Iceland stole a piece of my heart, especially the locals I got to meet & learn from.  Many of their traditional foods however I happily passed on.  Pickled herring with sour yoghurt & rye bread is not my idea of a yummy breakfast.  But freshly caught salmon, sliced into steaks &  grilled to perfection was one dish I did love.  Not being a photographer I never asked the locals for tips, but I'm sure they would have known the best times of day to capture the local scenery, which varied so much despite being a small island.  I didn't take many pictures & the little instamatic camera I had couldn't capture the light or colours very well as I discovered when I had the film developed.  Despite the wonderful scenery I don't think I would want to go back there today as I'm sure the numbers of tourists these days would mean that it would be much more commercialised, though I think that would be the case of most places I visited.  I think I travelled to these places at the best time, they weren't completely out of the way or hard to get to, yet they were still not highly visited so everything was much more relaxed & guided by the locals & what they wanted to share about where they lived.  Even back then I was aware of that difference as it was very evident when visiting places like Bath in England which has been a tourist hot spot for ever & there weren't really any opportunities to meet or talk to locals & it was very commercialised, yet in Wales & Scotland there were lots of out of the way places where the locals & the scenery made it a lovely experience.  I bought some atmospheric black & white photos from a local photographer who had them displayed in a pub in the Scottish highlands, they are beautiful & capture the sense of the local scenery so perfectly.  They are on my wall here as a lovely reminder of all my visits there.

Did you find on your visits to New Zealand & the islands that the light was different there? Being so much further south than us I do wonder if it is enough to noticeably alter the quality of the light.

I can understand that in the past wildlife photographer would have used any means they could think of to attract the wildlife they wanted to get a picture of, but these days it doesn't stand the pub test.  On one hand I can understand the idea of using mobile disguised cameras might seem like a good idea, yet surely common sense would say they might only work at a distance.  Animals use more senses which are all better developed than ours & they are not going to be taken in by a buzzing, odourless pile of plastic dung.  I am impressed by the photographers who stay in an area & let the wildlife get accustomed to them being not a danger in order to get candid photos.  Probably because I'm happy to just set myself down & absorb the scenery over hours I am drawn to such methods.  

Did you manage to get out & do some photography today or at least get a walk in?  I'm wondering if there is a men's shed near you that might be happy to have you call in on days you feel up to it.  Many of them now have days where they welcome local women & sometimes have workshops to learn how to use tools etc.  I'm thinking it is the kind of place where there is no pressure to turn up, unlike volunteering, yet it enables you to have the human contact you need.  A local community house may have weekly events that don't require a commitment, but enable you to participate as & when you feel up to it.  I worry about you feeling so isolated & alone lass, you clearly need regular human contact.  

I've had a day of lovely lovely rain & I hope you had a day of lovely sunshine.

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Paws,

Yes, pickled herring with sour yoghurt on rye sounds a bit eye watering. I do like rye bread though even though I don't normally have it now as I minimise gluten. I can imagine the freshly caught salmon was delicious. It's great you were able to visit there at a time that it was less touristy and it was possible to engage more with locals. I read that the current population is about 398,000 so it's still not a huge population, but it's certainly a very popular tourist destination and I know it's a favourite with landscape photographers. There are lots of photography tours run there. I would love to go but it's a huge distance away and of course the photography tours are quite expensive. One photographer whose YouTube channel I follow is Andy Mumford and he runs tours there. If you google "Andy Mumford Iceland" you should be able to get to that part of his website with Iceland images. They are mostly landscapes, but if you scroll through you will see some beautiful photos of an Arctic Fox. As well as the spectacular landscapes, I would find the culture interesting like you did and would like to meet local people and have a sense of the towns and main city Reykjavik too. I love the sound of your atmospheric black and white photos.

In NZ I was in Wellington and then Stewart Island/Rakiura. I was there in December but even then in the summer the light was less intense than probably even the winter light here in WA. On Stewart Island it was light to very late in the evening and even more so because of daylight saving. It is not as close to the South Pole as Iceland is to the North Pole, so the light would not be quite the same I think. But it was still a gentle light. On my last day on Stewart Island it got to 20 degrees celsius. This was considered by the locals to be a heat wave and they were all walking around in singlets and shorts, while I had my polar fleece jacket on 😂 I remember one lady saying in relation to the heat that she "nearly died" while working in her garden. I imagine the light is quite different if you go up to Auckland in the north of NZ.

I am like you and quite content to sit in nature and just absorb the scenery and atmosphere. If some wildlife shows up it's a bonus and quite often if you are still enough you almost become part of the furniture. I had a Southern Emu-Wren land on my elbow here while having a rest on a bench next to the river.

I didn't get to doing the photography as planned this morning. I had to spend a long time on the phone to my bank because a card has gone missing in the post and there are involved strategic processes regarding the issuing of a new card and transferring existing funds to another one to ensure I still can get money for food etc, plus all these online procedures he walked me through on the phone. I had to go to bed again afterwards. At times I have severe depression and feel really bad, but then a few hours later things can lift and improve. I think I'm doing a little better tonight. That's interesting about the men's sheds. I looked up the ones here and in a neighbouring town and they both have a few hours a week where woman can attend. It's something to consider anyway. I've reached a real stalemate with my complex trauma issues between fear of people and a desperate need for human contact. I've had a few too many really awful experiences including following my mother's death a few years ago and my trust in people got so smashed that it kind of broke the part of me that was still tentatively able to reach out into the world. I did get invited by a neighbour to the local footy match this arvo but just didn't feel able to interact and went for a walk in the woodland instead. Nature remains my one and only safe place. So I feel I just have to choose carefully and find human contact that feels safe for me.

I'm glad you've had lovely rain. It was mostly cloudy here this morning but some nice sunshine this afternoon. I met a kangaroo while out walking whose fur was illuminated by the golden light of the late afternoon sun.

Sleep well and warm hugs,

ER

[Croix]

Dear Paws and ER

"Of course, wise, dignified and formidable also apply. ", Talk about trying to fill in the hole you just dug!

With cameras I don't know, true telephoto lenses can do a lot, however I do think there might be a place for concealed cameras. I too watched the David Rabbitborough episode feature elephant dung cameras and thought while they were working they did provide information about elephants in the wild (before thay were squished htat is - and even that provided information about how observant they were)

Maybe it is a balance. Movement sensitive infra red cameras have provided a lot of data about threatened species and that has to be helpful, particularly population number and threats.

I do think our ideas of the future are movable feast, where on one day there is the triumph of just getting out of bed, on another there is a mental vista of nature photos to be taken, and of course umpteen other tihngs.

I had originally refused to believe anyone that said life would get better, passing them of as well-meaning ignorant do-gooders. Now I know they had a point.

Actually Sumo agrees, some days snoozing on hte bed all day, other days up and staring fixedly at the piano, convinced there is mouse in the works.

Croix

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Croix and Paws,

I love the image of Sumo staring at the piano convinced there is a mouse in the works. I'm sure it would make a delightful photo 🐱😍

I have been watching the YouTube channel for the CTAD (Complex Trauma and Dissociation) channel. Yes, sounds like fun, I know 😅 But it has been extremely helpful for me in relation to dissociative smyptoms I'm dealing with. What is nice about the clinic is they have therapy animals - ducks, cats and a new therapy puppy in training. They put up a video recently of the new Labrador puppy, Bardsey, entitled "Bardsey the Therapy Dog in Training practises therapy with Sherbert the Cat". I just thought I would mention it if you want to see a cute cat and doggy in a therapy consultation 😂

It is so true Croix that the future is a moveable thing in our minds. I had a rough time since going to bed last night with chest pain. I almost went to the hospital then but did my best to calm myself during the night. I wasn't sure there would be a doctor available anyway at our tiny hospital at that time though they would have done an ECG, taken bloods etc. I thought about going today but did a very slow, gentle walk instead in nature. My eyes/eyelids were flickering again uncontrollably this morning so my brain is still reprocessing with the EMDR. I often feel a mixture of fearful, spacey and ill when this happens. But I found that a decent rest lying on a bench late this afternoon in nature did finally help to ease symptoms. So feeling a little more positive tonight.

Paws, I hope the lovely rain has brought some frogs and lovely fresh rain smells and maybe some interesting fungi popping up. On my walk today I saw a range of interesting fungi.

Croix, I hope you, Mrs C, Sumo and Foxy dog are all going well.

Sleep well 😴

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER & Croix,

Sumo is clearly such a wise cat, knowing to do what he finds best for himself.  I have no doubt there is a mouse in the piano if his sumptuousness thinks one is there.  His humans clearly need their training updated if they are even thinking he may be wrong about anything, especially about a pesky mouse.

I'm glad you have found the CTAD channel helpful.  I like that it sounds from what you say that they intersperse their information with videos of the therapy animals.  Even videos of therapy animals can have some of the benefits of the animals in person.

I'm concerned that you didn't have your chest pains investigated.  I know you have been experiencing a variety of physical symptoms since the EMDR, but if the chest pains keep recurring, even if mild, please consider getting a check up.  Yes I'm wearing my mother hen hat as I type this. 🐥👒  You matter lass.  

There has been more lovely rain over most of last night.  No frog noises though. 🐸😞 Perhaps they are too busy playing in puddles.   

Love & hugs to you both

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws and Croix,

Paws, I read earlier today about all the rain falling in western Victoria. It must be so lovely after the long dry spell. I hope you have enjoyed feeling cosy inside with the rain falling on the roof. There has been a singular frog here calling by itself for a few nights. I hope he or she finds a friend. I could see some cumulonimbus storm clouds building up here a short while ago so we might be in for a thunderstorm.

The chest pains have largely improved. I’m honestly at the point where I don’t want any medical intervention. If it was a serious heart issue I wouldn’t want treatment anyway. My system couldn’t handle it. I’m at peace with not trying to get medical help. I continue to get extremely strong surges of adrenaline that last for a long time. I’ve read of other people’s experiences online about what happened to them post-EMDR that describe the same thing. You re-experience trauma without the brain and nervous system protections that normally naturally protect you and once the floodgate opens there’s no way to stop the surges from happening, only try to contain them. So the only way is through it now and I’m going to just have to endure. I’m very grateful for the knowledge I have about somatic understandings of trauma which at least help me to understand things better. I’m under a blanket on the couch and about to start one of Peter Levine’s containment exercises, one of the few things that helps even if it takes an hour to shift things.

The CTAD Clinic videos are so helpful, including their animal ones. In one of them the clinic director Mike Lloyd is talking to camera while two cats are chasing each other in the background 😹 I watched one video of their ducks splashing in a pond the other day and that calmed me down. So I have to keep returning to these things.

I managed to get myself to visit the cafe today that bought one of my photos. The guy there has just started getting into photography and it was so nice to hear of his enthusiasm. While I was there chatting with him I improved somewhat but quickly deteriorated when I left. I think the social engagement part of the nervous system is temporarily switched on (ventral vagal system) but my system then immediately reverts to high level panic once alone again. I’m aware that a lot of what I’m experiencing is actually birth and post-natal trauma of severe isolation and panic. So it’s like I have to try to calm my infant self. It’s like the EMDR has taken me right back to that as my primary initial trauma that underlies everything else. It has no words or thoughts because it is preverbal and precognitive, so I can only approach it energetically through the world of feeling and sensation and that is going to have to be how I somehow resolve it.

In the meantime I will visualise Sumo staring at the piano looking for mice 😹 When I look after Fluffy Cat and let her in after she’s been outside, she gets the zoomies and seems to be pouncing on invisible objects indoors and also dashes and hides under furniture as if she’s being chased. It’s like she’s practising her hunting and survival skills and this seems to be activated after outdoor time. She definitely seems to see things that I’m not seeing, like Sumo’s mouse 😂

Take care and love and hugs to you both too,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Oh lass... you are still so young & there is the real likelihood your mental & physical health will improve much more than you are currently able to imagine... I know you have major trust issues with the medical world... I believe you are worth fighting for & I'm going to hold onto the hope you will come to feel that too & be able to overcome these trust issues.

I love the mental image of Fluffy Cat practicing her hunting & having zoomies.  I must remember to look for the video of the ducks in their pond.  I've just had a flock of Rainbow Lorikeets swoop in & land on the bare branches of my small tree by the bird bath.  The setting sun just caught them & it looked liked the tree had been decorated with glowing xmas decorations.  They didn't stay long, but they were the first birds I've seen in my yard today.  

With the rain of the last few days the creek has gone from being bone dry, with even the deeper pools without any water, to flowing strongly & looking like it is a few feet deep near the bridge.  It is so lovely to see.  

The Lorikeets have just come back & it looks like they are playing tag flitting between the tree, my gutters & a  bush on the verge.

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Paws,

I absolutely loved your description of the Rainbow Lorikeets as looking like glowing Christmas decorations in the setting sun. It created a beautiful picture for me. We actually get them up in Perth but they are an introduced species there. It’s hard to believe how colourful some creatures in nature are. I got super excited in 2023 when I saw my first Mulga Parrots in the wild. The male has the most beautiful sort of aqua/turquoise colour.

The CTAD Clinic video on ducks I watched was one where they were allowed out to their pond again after they had to be quarantined because of avian flu in the UK. Fortunately their ducks have stayed healthy. Just now I googled “CTAD Clinic ducks” and found there are several videos so if you do that you will see some that involve a pond. I found it therapeutic just watching them and it calmed me down somewhat when nothing else was working.

How wonderful that your stream is flowing so well. It must be such a transformation. It feels like a relief for the landscape doesn’t it to have water again. The creek that flows through the forest near me has not started running yet, but the area is damp and there is the odd frog croak coming from there.

Although I’ve lost so much trust in the medical field, it’s more that I know my body has had enough and wouldn’t be able to stand medical intervention if something was wrong. I’ve had the same thought with my liver condition. If the liver packs it in one day it means going on the transplant list, then if one is available it’s into ICU for 6 weeks. But when you are completely alone like me it’s too much. I have no family now or anyone who can care for or support me. I’ve learned to listen to my intuition and I know what I can handle. It’s like the EMDR. I never felt comfortable with the idea of it and had not taken it up on a couple of other occasions because of that. Then my therapist suddenly pushed for it in the middle of a session when I’d actually asked to do somatic processing instead. But instead of listening to myself I followed what she thought was a good idea and the results were disastrous. So I have a sense about what I can handle and I’ve definitely been pushed way past what I can handle too many times in life. If my body wants to pack it in I’m actually content to let it go, rather than be operated on which has never felt natural to me anyway. I appreciate that such technologies exist, but I’m too alone and vulnerable to cope with medical intervention of any major kind. For me it’s actually a peaceful decision that helps me and it’s empowering somehow.

Lots of rain and storminess here today and tonight. Some lightning and thunder this morning. I had a big lie down in the afternoon. I hope you are going well Paws.

Take care and warm hugs,

ER

[Eagle Ray]

Hello again Paws,

I just thought I’d say that the title of the duck video I found meditative and calming is “Muscovy Ducks the Day After Avian Flu Lockdown”. I’m watching it again now before bed. Somehow it puts me in a calmer state, just watching ducks being ducks 🦆☺️ It’s nice seeing them experiencing the freedom of the pond again after having to be in lockdown.

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

I managed to watch the duck video.  I love it when they shake their tail feathers, that is so cute.  They definitely loved having the space to flap & chase each other on the water.  I miss being able to watch the local ducks with the dam gone, so this video was a nice reminder.   For once the video played without complaining I didn't have bandwidth, though it took two goes as the laptop completely crashed not long after I started watching it.  I think I may be needing to get a new laptop before long as it is crashing more & more, plus it keeps crashing programs so I'm having to keep saving things every few seconds.  

I do understand about not wanting the invasive treatments, I've been told I may need a heart transplant in the future if my enlarged & damaged heart keeps getting worse & I've decided that is a step too far for me.  But please keep in mind not all treatments are surgical or invasive, sometimes simply a medicinal regime can make life more liveable if it doesn't come with unpleasant side affects.  I do agree though that we each know best where our own boundaries are when it comes to our healthcare & these need to be respected.

The fog didn't lift until late morning & it was very nippy all afternoon despite the sunshine.  It was nice to do the dishes & have my hands in warm water.  I had the heater on for most of the morning which is unusual for me.  As I type this I'm actually thinking of getting my foot warmer out of the cupboard as my feet are cold, despite the rest of me feeling fine. 

The bear night light still hasn't arrived & the tracking just says in transit.  I'm getting toey because the baby shower is on Saturday.   I know it is my fault for leaving it so late to pick something, but the estimated shipping time to here had it arriving between last Friday & today.  I've run out of things to keep crossed for it to arrive in time.

I've been tossing up what to have for tea.  I don't feel like cooking, so it will be heating up something I have in the freezer, I know I'm out of the last batch of stew, but my memory has gone blank as to what else is in there... so pot luck it is.  

I googled the Mulga Parrot & it is a beautiful colour, how wonderful for you seeing it in the wild.

I hope you were up to getting out for a walk.

Hugs

Paws