Overwhelmed by toxic people

SEL

I'm writing this as I find putting down my thoughts helps me.

Over the last few years I have found myself becoming increasingly angry with my dealings with people and situations where I now want to withdraw from the world. I'm a retired customer service representative who was used to dealing with a variety of people, mainly good clients, yet the bad ones and the nature of the job (in health) burnt me out. The management also gave very new staff extra roles, which were at the same pay rate, over longer term capable staff, with us having to advocate strongly to increase our knowledge, but we were inexplicably met with resistance. I kept telling myself not to worry about it, just do my job, yet it really got to me. The centre had a very high turnover, some staying 3 months to a year. Some staff "disappeared" and some received thanks for their service. I lasted 2 and a half years. After a family double death of elderly in-laws and then me having an epileptic episode of the amnesia kind, I felt that I couldn't continue in the job, so I resigned. Rightly or wrongly, I felt very hard done-by by management, and for months before leaving I had nightly nightmares. I was one of the "disappeared" as when I emailed a colleague to say goodbye, she was shocked to learn that I'd left.

Being on epilepsy medication, I don't know if it caused issues or if it was my thinking, or a combination of both. An earlier medication that the doctor said may make me feel grumpy, made me feel 'wonky' and when someone upset me, I became so angry. Luckily, I didn't show this in the workplace? After leaving the job, it took me months to get over my anger.

During the last two years, my husband and I have had issues with two neighbours that I previously wrote about. One, being alleged criminals who the police seem to be on a catch and release mission from time to time. We steer clear of them letting sleeping dogs lie. Even now in the early hours of the morning, I can hear them in the yard. Maybe another car for the police to tow away? The other neighbour excavated up to our fence line which backs onto a Right of Way, not on their side of their property. They have undermined our soil and fence causing erosion. The council checked it but as the excavation is under a certain height, the council says it's now a civil matter. Recently I asked the woman to reinstate the land. She said a gully had always been there - untrue; that no excavation had been done - we saw the bobcat and her husband had told a tradesman in front of me that he had done it; they had council approval - untrue. Lie, deny, fabricate, distract. As in a horror movie when an evil spirit is absorbed into an innocent victim, I felt physically rotten to the core, as I was angry and it was so unjust, selfish and entitled. After a week, though still angry, at least the rotten feeling has dissipated. The woman said that I am the common denominator with having issues with 2 neighbours, and it could look that way, even to me, yet we haven't done anything to cause issues, only issues have been thrust onto us. After this 'meeting', we will unfortunately have to go through with legal action, as if we fix the fence and land ourselves, they will still be out there digging gutters undermining the land and fence, so it may lead to obtaining an Apprehended Personal Violence Order against them.

I am reluctant to venture into our yard as the woman and her husband are always around with them telling us we should do this and that with our land. I won't even let my grandchildren play there as I'm concerned that they will be yelled at. I wish we didn't have to deal with them at all! And though I wish to be off this planet, these people are totally not worth it.

Oh, and lastly, whilst watching a movie tonight where an actress wore a similar dress to one that I have, my darling husband brought up that when going out with him, I should wear makeup and look better, AND that ten years ago, a husband of his sister, who is now in his 90's, said I should have worn a better outfit to a family wedding!! Can you believe it!! I told my husband if he likes makeup, then he can wear it himself. And saying all this to a woman who has had issues with her looks since the age of 4.

indigo22

Hi SEL,

From all accounts, I can say without a doubt that you are not the problem. It must be so frustrating for you that your neighbours are so uncooperative and I don't blame you at all for feeling the anger about it.

It is probably better for your own health that someone in the legal profession try to get this resolved for you so I am glad you are going down that road. You have had a lot to deal with in the past few years and it sounds like it has taken a large toll on you. Are you getting any professional mental health support at present?

Some people can be so opinionated, without looking at themselves first. Unfortunately, it seems that applies to your husband as well. Good for you for standing up for yourself and I am sorry you feel the need to with someone who should be supporting you.

It is a very difficult time be here on this planet, so much angst and frustration effecting so many. I have been dealing with major depression for over 50 years but I still believe in my gut that things will get better, we just need to get through this stage of all the madness and violence coming to light. It has always been there, we are just now seeing it all for what it is. We live in a world of duality, for every negative there is a positive and we have a choice about which one we focus our attention on. Not everyone is ready to do that unfortunately, but I feel sure this will change over time.

I do not watch or read the news and haven't done since I was old enough to make that decision for myself, it is just another way of manipulating the population. I choose instead to focus my attention on things that interest me, nurturing myself with healthy food, nurturing my garden, reading, listening to music or podcasts, you get the idea.

I don't know if any of this helps, but I hope that it does. Please feel free to continue the conversation.

Thing of you with care,

indigo

SEL

Thanks indigo22,

Sorry to hear that you have suffered depression for so many years. Your words have helped and I have a better perspective now. Just writing down my thoughts has helped unjumble them too. I need to find a way that when dealing with confronting situations or hurtful words, on how to stop it hurting so much. It actually physically hurts.

Your nurturing of yourself with good food, music and the like sounds soothing, yet I need to be careful with the food as when I'm upset, I can gorge on overly sweet and salty 'treats' which are nice, yet are also a 'punishment' as I know that I'm overdoing it to my detriment. Weird, isn't it?!

When I was in my last job, for the first time in my life I spoke a couple of times to a councillor through the EAP, Employee Assistance Programme. I thought it helped a bit and said I didn't need more sessions only to find out later that same day the second in-law had passed, five days after the first. I find I become too emotional speaking with someone in person though I'd rather be calm. I just can't help myself.

I had a free legal advice session last year about the fence and felt that I was on trial as I wasn't apparently answering the solicitors questions fully, though I was trying to. I was so upset, the solicitor said that I should see a doctor! My husband was just embarrassed. He thinks I cry to win, but win what? He just doesn't get it, poor guy.

I will have to stop watching the news too as it can be too confronting and hopeless. I know of others who feel the same. Over a year ago though, spouse and I were holidaying in a remote area and we hadn't heard that the UK prime minister had changed! A bit confusing when we saw him being interviewed as we wondered what had happened to the last PM? 🙄

All the best and thank you once again.

SEL

indigo22

Hi again SEL,

There is something I picked up in your post that you may not be aware of and I think it would help you understand yourself a little better.

If you look up HSP Elaine Aron on the internet, I am fairly certain you will find a description of yourself. It is short for Highly Sensitive Person, about 25% of the population fall into this personality type, I am one of them and there are many others on the forums. I think you will find it explains a great deal of what you feel and why. A HSP feels things more deeply than the general population, so something that would just roll off the back like water for anyone else, will leave a lasting impression on a HSP.

I used to eat a lot of comfort food too. When you feel you are being bombarded with negativity from others, it a way of adding a layer of protection and consequently you eat what you know is not good for you but will help add that layer of protection. At my worst, I was 25kg overweight, I am now almost back to my normal weight because I am no longer in the situation that caused the need for protection. We do what we need to do to survive. I also cry easily, it is a normal part of being a HSP, my siblings were not and I used to get called 'cry baby' very often.

It also explains the self doubt and wanting to be off the planet. I have said for the longest time, I was dropped off on the wrong planet, it is too insensitive, competitive and violent for a sensitive soul but we came here for a reason so the trick is to figure out what that reason is.

Take good care of yourself,

indigo 🌹