Existential thoughts

Guest_01914878

Writing this to see if anyone relates. Lately I’ve been pondering about what my future should hold and whether there is any point in working towards something.

I’m extremely down-to-earth, as me being an atheist is evidence of. I believe that there is no purpose in life, and that we are simply just the interaction between molecules. In a large universe, we’re so small and insignificant that following a belief around an anthropocentric idea (religion) seems almost incomprehensible to me.

I feel if not for the guilt of harming my parents and friends mentally, I would gladly take my life, as I find there’s no reason to bother living. Not like my life is under any extenuating circumstances (which probably sounds ridiculous as most cases of suicide are from those who suffer pain).

There are various aspects of life that others seem to find enough to keep them in this life (excluding the natural fear of death as biological evolution has given us). Those could be normal desires in our society such as money, fame or love, or they could be motivated by altruism (not just by directly helping people but also by inventions or advancing science, etc). However, none of those feel like it’s worth living for. I couldn’t care less about society, and why should I care about getting anything from this life when in the end I’ll just die and disappear. Sometimes I daydream about if my parents died, then I would like to think that I would be free to kill myself (don’t take this as a sign that I would harm my parents in any way). I would imagine every little detail, such as what to write in my suicide note, how to guarantee death, etc.

The only real motivator/desire I have is not to upset my parents, as they care for me very deeply (and clearly I still have some tinge of empathy as I worry about their agony as a result, even if I died, which sounds ridiculous). Thus I study, but recently it’s been harder to get myself to work. I’ve always done well academically, so the lingering thought always resurfaces, that I could probably get away with not applying myself and still end up with a good job and all.

I rambled a little, and I have no intentions of killing myself just to set the record straight. Let me know if anyone relates to some of what I said.

white knight

Hi, welcome

I do relate more than most can imagine. I can briefly explain. I'm 70yo, had 90 or so jobs, 15 professions including RAAF, Prison officer etc. Diagnosed with bipolar, dysthymia and been told I'm likely under the spectrum high functioning. An inventor, have built two homes, a poet (many are in our poetry corner in this forum) , have once attempted on my life, brother and uncle died that way. Daughter and sister attempted.

So, been here 13 years. There is a few things that we have in contrast thats relevant.

1/ Interests. I have passions. I'm building a motorcycle trike, I cant wait to wake up each morning to carry out my next step in the project. Such interests people have floods their thoughts and that is significant because when mentally occupied we dont think about our worthlessness of living and dying.

2/ Motivation. Prior to 26yo I was a negative individual from a negative family. I then attended a motivation lecture and walked out 30 minutes later with a "defeat the world" mentality. read it here- 30 minutes can change your life - Beyond Blue Forums - 154525 such change doesn tmean I dont battle depression but it doesnt mean I can sometimes motivate myself while emerging from a cycle.

3/ I had a very dominating mother (dec 2025). Likely she had Borderline Personality Disorder and narcissism She had such a bad effect upon me mentally that I cut contact in 2011. All my life I'd suffered from guilt that she generated, was never good enough and she was in denial of her own faults.

Around 1987 I Discovered a guru called Prem Rawat Maharaji. Although religious (I'm also an athiest) there is no mention of it in his teachings. His videos are vast on YouTube. Google Prem Rawat Maharaji sunset and Prem Rawat Maharaji The perfect instrument. Read GUILT the tormentor - Beyond Blue Forums - 321604

I'm very interested in your post and your thoughts on my reply, what helped, what didnt. I must say if it wasnt for my focus on my interests, hobbies, I'd feel quite lost in life as I dont socialise a lot and find being involved in community affairs, in a mistrusting society, daunting.

Regards

TonyWK

Absolute2

Hey Tony,

I’m the same person as OP, wanted to change my email for privacy reasons so I made a new account.

I took a look at some of the resources you mentioned. I’ll be up front, none of them seem to resonate with me. The talks by Prem Rawat Maharaji appeared to me to be centred around accepting all our experiences and finding hope to manage through the numerous road bumps/depths of life. However, this isn’t what I’m searching for. I’m not at a nadir in my life, but more so have been thinking about the uselessness and insignificance of my existence. Numerous people in society are encouraged to push on through life whether it be for religious reasons (such as there being light at the end of the tunnel), for personal gain or because they have an objective to live towards. But I feel like none of this is worth living for. Dying and going into nothingness just seems to be the better alternative. Perhaps you could say I am somewhat lazy, or uninterested in living out the rest of this life irrespective of joyful times that may come.

I do have hobbies and interests, yet when I attempt to visualise the big picture, nothing falls into place.

I suppose what I’m going through is more of a philosophical one as opposed to finding some sort of solace.

Paw Prints

Hello Absolute2,

I am also an atheist & very aware of how large the universe is. I was suicidal at one point in my life, over a decade ago. Not that I wanted to die, it just didn't seem as though living was worth the effort. I am now very thankful I did not follow through with ending my life.

I think it is part of being human that makes us go through a phase where we ponder the bigger picture & look for a greater meaning/reason for us being alive. For many people their religious beliefs answer that question. I know I am a small part of the universe, but unlike so much of it I have an awareness of my place in it. I don't think there needs to be a reason or a bigger picture for my being alive. I am content no longer looking for one. I have this life, I am aware it is an finite one & so I choose to do what gives me joy or contentment in the here & now. I don't feel the need to leave some kind of legacy or a sign "I was here".

I don't know if my ramblings help...

Paws

trying_my_best

Hi Absolute2,

I have been in your situation. Beleive it or not there are many genetic and even uneventful “causes” of depression. I myself have experienced them a few times where I have had very similar thoughts to your own and the exact same reason as to why I didn’t want to end my life.

However, I know it sounds stupid right now but you need to find something to enjoy. The beauty of only living once and it all ending at some point is that we only live once. Yes, not all of us make a profound impact on this world, and I do agree at points the world is a bit bleak. I also consider myself an anthiest but I still like to think that I can find a purpose in life, it may not be connected to some great cause like god would say or something like that, but something that makes me feel fulfilled and content. Because I believe that in this life we aren’t meant to be happy all the time and that is the ideal, but we are always searching for contentment. This is what I have tried to do and I feel like it has helped me. Even the smallest things such as colouring a colouring book or going out for a walk can help to bring that feeling of contentment in.

Have you considered calling the helpline or lifeline regarding these feelings? I know when I have experienced feelings such as these talking to someone such as a counsellor or family members can be really beneficial!

I wish you the best!