Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[Croix]

Dear ER and Paws

I  tend to think htat over time a barrier does tend to erect itself as protection from traumatic memories and feelings that occur in daily life. Not foolproof but quite substantial.

That sounds as if it was bypassed by the EMDR and leaves you naked to feel the full brunt of them again. Talking about your memories is fine, we listen and feel sorrow it has happened to you.

If memories are too young I"m not sure htat precludes various therapies, as a mood can be generated, however probably the best thin is music which you arr reaching for already. Babies respond to it, even in the womb.

Some clinicians can get a bit over-enthusiastic about a particular type of therapy and tend to forger that one size does not fit all. Being sorry is all very well, but is no 'undo' button. I guess you are the wisest and most experienced ot undo the damage.

I'll stick to my 'armed truce' 🙂

Paws, as far as I know only dogs, lyrebirds and young wombats can snore like a human. Can you get someone with you when you open the door? The most likly thing is a dog has wandered in for a snooze and may scratch to be let out later. 

Pot Black is therapeutic, it is so calm, and skillful wihtout animosity, even has a dash of humor. Beats the news hand down.

Croix (Walruses do not snore!)

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws and Croix,

The snoring creature was still snoring the following morning though went quiet after I closed the bathroom window, which can make a bit of a loud, scraping noise. Then in the afternoon there was some scraping and thudding noises in the ceiling in that area. I’m thinking it may be a possum even though info online suggests snoring isn’t something they’re known for. Last night I went to photograph the Aurora at my favourite ocean spot and got a couple of nice photos. As I turned into the driveway here a Western Ringtail Possum ran in front of me and stopped briefly, so I got a good look at the beautiful creature. So methinks it is quite likely one of them, perhaps that one specifically, who finds my place a good location for a snooze. If you google them you will see how lovely they are. I loved hearing about the wallaby Paws and immediately wanted to give it a cuddle. Isn’t it lovely to see such creatures close to home.

Croix, I think we build those internal barriers for a reason and it makes sense. The barriers coming down for me have been the dissociative ones that happened at the time of certain traumas plus the longer term adaptive protections my brain/psyche developed to cope over time. The most difficult has been around my birth and first weeks of life where I had much physical distress at birth, no human contact then home to a family where there was cold distance and a lack of attunement from my mother in particular. There is some evidence from two early photos that my dad had some attunement before rage set in. But basically the dissociation my baby self did for protection was stripped away leaving me with early terror and the feeling of needing to die because it was so unbearable. It’s what a baby’s nervous system naturally does in response to not being able to sense/receive care and safety. I know that’s where the s/h and s/i is coming from. I’m having to imagine everything a tiny baby needs and try to soothe myself now. EMDR is extremely strange the way it can expose you like this. The flooding is not supposed to happen but it can happen, especially without careful and adequate preparation.

So, yes, music is a helpful thing as it’s something babies respond to. My therapist suggested a weighted blanket. I am finding Peter Levine’s containment exercises helpful which are ways of holding the self in a way that contains overwhelming feelings and sensations. I think you are wise in relation to the ‘armed truce’ Croix because that is something that can be gently eased in time, but at its own pace, not drastically or suddenly. I think little by little we heal in the right conditions and going gently is always the way for sensitive souls with trauma.

I also found Pot Black so soothing and calm with a dash of humour. I watched one from 1983. Yes, way better than the news!

I googled snoring walrus and there are hilarious videos on YouTube 😂 The penguins have set up a tape recorder in the igloo Croix and have plans to put your snores in a new experimental sound composition they are working on called Iceberg Symphony.

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER & Croix,

Possums are very cute.  The noise they make when being defensive would put a banshee to shame though.  I don't know how such small creatures can achieve such decibel levels.  My neighbour at my old place had lots of fruit trees the possums loved.  Woofa loved to go out in the morning & find the fruit from the tree growing beside the fence where the possums had taken a bite or two out of & then dropped on our side of the fence.  I did love that my neighbour never netted his trees & was happy to share with the local wildlife.

I wonder if the penguins are hoping walrus snoring will reach the dizzy heights of cd sales that whale songs achieved some years ago.  Who will provide the accompanying musical thread is of course vitally important to get right as they wouldn't want it to overwhelm the blissful sounds of walrus slumber.  I don't think the inebriated kiwis should be allowed anywhere near a recording mike or chaos will ensue.  Perhaps some narwhales could provide a drum beat using their tusks?

Goodness I remember watching Pot Black on our black & white tv in the early 70s.  I didn't realise it was still going in 1983, that is a long time for a tv program to run for.

I'm glad you are finding Peter Levine's exercises helpful.  I hope the weather is letting you get out & about in nature.  I missed the aurora last night, it would be lovely if you could share your photos of it on here wouldn't it.  From the photos I've seen online it was a wonderful display. 

Hugs

Paws

I bought a teddy bear night light for bubs, I'm now keeping everything crossed it arrives in time.

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws and Croix,

The teddy bear night light sounds gorgeous Paws. I just googled them and can see some good examples. That is such a lovely gift 💝 I saw a cute dog one and thought I would quite like that 😂

The Aurora was a little faint to the naked eye, but when I opened my camera for 30 second exposures it was clear and colourful. Pink was the strongest colour. There was a crescent moon too which helpfully illuminated rocks in the foreground in the photos. It was very atmospheric with the moon reflecting on the ocean. The greatest activity was early in the evening and my best photo was taken just before 8pm. That was handy as sometimes it’s at its best in the very early morning. I may have asked you this before Paws so apologies if I have, but did you see the Aurora borealis in the northern hemisphere?

The possums love my fruit trees too. I’ve watched them climb over my garage and into the lemon tree which is the pathway to the other fruit trees. They seem to even eat the lemons sometimes. My lemon tree is full of fruit at the moment and I’ve not been getting around to picking them. I should be making some lemon cakes and of course sharing them with neighbours.

Ah, yes, I think the penguins are hoping for lucrative sales from the popularity of nature sounds, with the sound of walruses snoring being the latest relaxation trend. Hilariously I saw a video of a walrus snoring while floating on his back. He produced sounds from other parts of his anatomy as well. He then rolled over for a 10 minute snooze face down before having to come up for air. Croix, your species really are one of the most naturally entertaining wonders of nature 🤣

The weather has been rainy and thundery here which I’ve been enjoying actually. Some rain, thunder and lightning just passed over. I’m still cozy in bed and it’s nice to hear those sounds. I know I’m starting to feel better as I’m beginning to be able to feel things again. I still have fear on waking but it’s easing more easily and I just stay comforted in bed until it passes sufficiently and just let my body release what it’s holding. The birdies are now twittering as they often do after rain and seem to really enjoy these conditions.

I hope you both have a lovely day ☺️

Hugs,

ER

[Croix]

Dear Paws and ER~

Instead of poking fun at an impressive and dignified species may I recommend you turn your attention to promoting sales of:

Marcel Marceau's "Sounds of Silence"

C

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Croix and Paws,

I just watched Marceau's "The Art of Silence" from 1975 which I am guessing is the one. Very graceful and expressive indeed.

I am now envisioning a walrus performing such a mime 🤣  A flipper in the air here, a tusk there. Truly magnificent!  It could be equally impressive performed on the ice or in the water.

Sleep well 😴

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER & Croix,

Oh dear 🤣 I'm picturing a walrus trying to do a mime on shore...  graceful is not the word that first springs to mind.  I definitely think under water would be much more dignified & impressive.

Now I want to watch that video of the walrus sleeping, how hilarious.  (I think we should all make a complaint to the emoji people that they don't have a walrus emoji)

I didn't see the aurora either time I was north of the artic circle.  Though I did get to experience the sun not fully setting when I was in Iceland.  Being their autumn it would just dip partly below the horizon before rising again so it stayed light all night long, with just that very brief period of twilight.  It also didn't set fully when I was in the north of Finland, though as I started in the north & drove south it wasn't long before there was more darkness each night.  What felt strange in Iceland for me wasn't that it stayed light, rather it was the angle of the sun always seemed "wrong", I can't think of a word to really describe it so wrong will have to do.

The possums never ate lemons off my tree at my old place.  Though that may have been because the neighbour had much more yummy fruits on their trees that were available at the same time.  But even so I wouldn't think lemons would be that attractive to possums.  Have the possums always sampled your lemon tree or is this something that started with the drought conditions?

I'm pondering on how the acoustics of a certain walruses igloo will affect the recordings of his snoring.. ahem I mean slumbers.  We may need to line it with sleeping kiwis to stop unwanted echoes, though that brings up the problem kiwi burps etc.  I wonder if empty clam shells would work... we could just tell him that our lining his igloo with them is just to insulate it better for him... do you think you could say that with a straight face?

There is something about being in bed with rain on the roof that just helps.  I'm so glad you are feeling some improvement lass.  

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Paws and Croix,

The YouTube video with the walrus sleeping and snoring while floating is entitled “Robotic Spy Walrus. - Don’t Wake a Snoring Walrus!”. The robotic reference is in relation to the use of a robotic baby walrus being used to approach and film actual walruses on the basis that it will not seem like a threat to the real walruses. I’m not sure if I personally feel comfortable with the idea as I think animals can pick up that there is something a bit weird about it. The male walrus who wakes up from his floating slumber does seem a bit nonplussed by it and I don’t blame him. The video will provide you with the amusement of a walrus snoring and producing other noises though 😂 Another video I watched was “Snoring Walrus Observes National Napping Day at Tacoma Zoo.” 

Yes, well it’s true, a walrus mime is probably best performed in the water if gracefulness is the goal. A walrus mime on the ice is going to have quite a lumbering quality to it and involve a lot of rolling. Hmm 🤔 with regard to lining the igloo for best recording acoustics, I wonder about the use of sea sponges? The penguins can just tell Croix they are doing some interior decorating to make the igloo feel and look more cosy. I don’t think he’ll catch on 🤫

The possums here will normally choose other fruits over the lemons, but when nothing else is fruiting they will sometimes go for the lemons. Normally I would have had an orange crop by now, but the oranges haven’t developed as they usually do. There are only just a few at the moment at the very early green stage. There’s just a couple of green mandarins I can see at the moment. They usually ripen after the oranges. A third citrus, which I suspect is a lime, has never fruited.

It would be fascinating to see the sun at that low angle all day. I know many photographers actually like it in places like Iceland, Scandinavia, northern Canada etc because of the softness of the light and its effect on the landscape. My favourite photographer is probably Sven Zacek from Estonia and many of his images have a certain light quality that is harder to find somewhere like here in Australia. I do like the winter light here because it offers something so harder to find at other times of year. But it’s like that same soft light is actually the summer light in the far northern and far southern regions of the world. And as you say it’s even more marked, like the sun never really lifts that much. I can understand how that could feel wrong or weird.

Yes, I’m gradually improving. I had a good cry for much of this morning. There is grief coming up. Too much to explain here. But I do feel better for the cry and I know it’s part of the healing my heart, mind and nervous system are trying to work through. Sitting under a blankie on my couch at the moment.

I hope you are both having a lovely day.

Warm hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER & Croix,

I managed to watch the walrus video & he didn't seem at all pleased about the robotic walrus disturbing his sleep & I don't blame him.  Don't they know about telephoto lenses.  Almost every wildlife doco lately seems to have these robotic camouflaged cameras.  Two that I can remember had them using a dung camera following a herd of elephants & a bush/shrub camera to follow a pride of lions.  In both cases the animals clearly showed they knew it wasn't right & both cameras were attacked when they moved, so I don't know why they bother.  It was only after the cameras were attacked & found to be harmless that the animals came to ignore them.  I must say they were very adorable walruses, especially the one sleeping in the water.  Am I the only one who wanted to wobble those chubby cheeks & give a good scratch under those hairy chins.

The light in Iceland when I was there in their autumn had an autumnal feel to it, yet it was so crisp & clear, lacking any harshness & unlike anything I've ever experienced here.  Even a sunny, crisp, clear winters day here doesn't come close to the light there.  There was an amazing clarity with everything from the glaciers, the florescent green moss mounds contrasting with the black lava it was growing on, to the crystal clear water that has been filtered through centuries of lava flows.  I'm glad I got to go when tourism there was still run by the locals as their summer job & so I got to see it through the eyes of a local without "touristy bumph".  I think Iceland would be a top pick for any nature photographer, it seemed to have a "perfect shot" around every corner.  The light in the UK was much softer than we get here & I would happily trade the harsh light here for it.

What a clever idea, lining the igloo with sponges would be perfect.  Plus we could hide the microphones amongst them so they wouldn't be noticed & that way we could create a surround sound experience.  We will have to make sure the penguins manage to get them installed without the kiwis noticing, an inebriated kiwi is likely to blab everything if offered a nip of something. 

Snuggling under a blanket on the couch sounds perfect.  I'm keeping everything crossed for you lass that you keep progressing & things settle for you very soon.

I've just made a cuppa & I gave the few dishes on the sink waiting to be washed a good hard look.  That is probably the closest they may come to being washed today.  They are rinsed, but still could do with a proper wash.

Sleep well

hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws and Croix,

I completely agree regarding the use of robotic objects in disguise in wildlife documentaries. I think animals can be alarmed just as we would be if something appears that sort of looks like something but doesn’t feel quite right. Some wildlife photographers do things like play the recording of a bird to try to attract others of the same species to photograph them. But that can change natural bird behaviour and be quite confusing for them, sometimes leading to a poor outcome such as exposure to a predator through confusion or the belief there is another male intruding on the group, creating unnecessary alarm. There’s quite a few things that some wildlife photographers do that are not really ethical but some wildlife photographers are trying to advocate for ethical practice.

I agree that the walruses were adorable. Do you hear that Croix, you are adorable 🥰😀 I know that is not your preferred adjective for a walrus, but there is no denying that lovely, adorable, cute, cuddly etc are all applicable. Of course, wise, dignified and formidable also apply. 

Paws, I loved your description of the light in Iceland. Your description of the glaciers, moss, black lava and crystal clear water creates the most beautiful imagery. I would so love to go there. It seems like a truly unique place. I am the kind of person who would want to spend a few weeks there as I love to immerse myself in environments and really get to know them.

I have had a very difficult day with extreme depression, so thinking about stunning Iceland helps me. I’m thinking about going out tomorrow with my camera to look for interesting fungi to photograph as it’s very damp everywhere after rain. It takes incredible energy for me to function at the moment to do the simplest of things. I managed to go to do grocery shopping in a neighbouring town today and go for a small walk there. Creeks were running into the river. It took everything I had just to get out the door. I feel like I’m just hanging on by a thread a great deal of the time. I’m definitely suffering from extreme loneliness. I stopped at a cafe at a smaller town on the way and the man behind the counter was so lovely. I feel myself lift in these brief moments before descending back into extreme isolation. For a long time today I could not access my inner alters/parts that I know have partly emerged as much as they have because of extreme loneliness. It is like I become dissociated from my dissociated parts, and then I’m just in a blank void. But when I can really contact them I start to feel better. I’m really not a well person mentally but just so totally without a support system apart from my internal one.

The weather will be still the next couple of days anyway. That will good for taking long exposures on a tripod in dark forest, as things don’t get buffeted in the wind and end up blurry. So will hopefully be able to force myself out the door tomorrow. I hope you are getting weather conditions you like in your part of the world. I’m imagining it could be on the chilly side.

Have a lovely, peaceful evening.

Hugs,

ER