Dear Guest,
I just want to express support for you and it’s great you have reached out for support. I can relate somewhat to your post. I don’t usually break things but have had the very strong impulse to do so and have on occasion, and I’ve had the hostility towards myself as well. It’s an incredibly difficult place to be within yourself.
What I have learned is such inner drives come from somewhere and with some reflection and support it can be possible to find where the destructive drive and anger towards self comes from. It’s also possible to process such anger through the body and there are therapeutic approaches that do that. There is a method called Somatic Experiencing that has helped me work with my nervous system to sense and release what is happening internally. That particular approach has helped me but there would be a few ways of working with anger.
Can I ask, were you allowed to express anger as a child? I was not and the consequences were not good if I did try to assert myself, even in a very reasonable way. So I had to hold anger inwards and it meant anger was extremely repressed. As a result that anger was turned against myself. I had caregivers turning against me with hostility which has driven my inner self-destructive feelings.
My sense from what you describe is your anger is directed at yourself and inanimate objects rather than others and that maybe it hasn’t been safe for you to express healthy anger in the form of asserting yourself in relation to others? Is that something that you feel? If so, you can work with this and although it can be a bit challenging to learn at first, you can begin to transform destructive anger into healthy anger. When this happens anger is expressed and resolved in healthy ways and the nervous system rebalances. I’m actually still learning this process myself, but I’m finding that as I learn to express my needs to others, communicate when something isn’t ok etc, that the self/destructive drive starts to settle and I can even feel some caring things towards myself (work in progress).
So just trying to give you some encouragement that you can work with the internal states you are struggling with. It’s great you reached out and spoke to someone at BB. Keep reaching out and connecting when you feel able. For those of us who turn inwards it can be quite a hurdle to reach out for support, but keep going on your journey and I believe the fact you are seeking to understand and resolve the anger shows you are already on the right path.
Happy to chat further if it helps. Take care,
ER
