Managing Borderline Personality Disorder

[AGrace]

Hi,

I was looking through some of the posts and couldnt find any related to Borderline Personality Disorder. 

I was diagnosed at the end of the year along with Anxiety and Depression. I was hoping to reach out to anyone in a similar situation to get some advice on how to deal with living with this condition.  I left my employment last year so I could focus on my health which has been useful but now I feel anxious about ever being able to go back to work full time, having children, and doing day to day things whilst managing my illness. To add to this, not doing those things leaves me feeling a little useless. 

Does anyone have some advice, or personal experience with this?

Thanks. 

[hope4joy]

Hi xmin and ladyhawke,

its nice to hear from both of you. I've had a really hectic few days and am feeling pretty tired, so just wanted to pop by quickly to say hi.

xmin i'm sorry to hear you were let down by your friend, its horrible when your social circles shrinks right down and we end up spending so much time alone. are there any other people you can try to reconnect with? and sorry to ask so many questions, but do you know what your irritability is about? I think it can be a symptom of depression. i also know sometimes anger can kind of cover up other feelings like sadness. i think part of bpd can be feeling lots of anger when one's needs aren't met, cause it parallels when needs weren't met as a child. it certainly happens to me at times.

and hey lh, i'm glad to hear that you're resurfacing from your bout of depression. it sounds like it was a tough one? what do you think has helped you get on the upswing? and thank you for the bpd forum info.

kind wishes, now to zzzzzz,

Christina 🙂

[xmin]

Hi Ladyhawke and Christina, 

Sounds good, I look forward to hearing from you then, and I hope you're keeping well. Thanks for the tip! 

I hope you're managing to get properly rested Christina! My social circle really is shrinking down incredibly. I do have some friends I can meet up with now and again. No problem at all, I really do love answering questions so throw them my way. I have no idea why I'm so irritable. I think that the problems surrounding the ex-friend placed a huge deal of problems in my head, and affected me badly. And it's hard to be ok about other things without this problem fixed/addressed. I've been reading in the bpd book about anger issues, so maybe that's part of it. I definitely have some of that childhood problem stuff. 

xmin 😃

[hope4joy]

Hi xmin,

sorry to be so slow to pop back in here, its been a crazy week! Moved house this weekend, plus have been unwell, and injured myself in moving stuff... and the reason I moved was to get away from bullying by housemates... so yeah, one of those weeks you're like 'gee, i'm glad i survived that one!'. Feeling really tired but not sleepy, will wind down soon to rest. A plus is that now I live closer to uni and can walk. I also live with guys which in the past I've found much easier than all female share-houses, and there is a cat! (which I adore).

I hear you about your comment about shrinking social circles... mine is a bit depleted right now, I often feel like I mostly catch up with the same two friends and can be at a loss when they're not available. I have been going to meet up groups to try to connect to new people, although that got a bit derailed this last week. I feel that I've got some problems in how I choose friends and the role I take - often its all about me trying to meet their needs and not vice versa - so I'm hoping schema therapy can help me try to correct that.

What have you learnt in the book so far? Anything jump out at you? Is it nicely wrapped in paper? (I would do this too!!).

Yeah I think a big part of bpd is that our sense of wellness and stability comes from the state of our relationships - such that when one relationship is out then it can throw us all out. So it makes sense that the issues with your friend have impacted you so much. It sounds like it was a really awful situation that happened.

Sending kind thoughts your way,

Christina 

[xmin]

Hi Christina, 

Welcome back! It feels like it's been a while =). Sound like you've had a bit on your plate, I'm happy to hear of the positive changes you've made. Haven't injured yourself too bad, have you? Aww, lovely to hear. 

I think this kinda ties in with my emptiness feeling, but sometimes my happiness relies unhealthily on other people. I definitely feel at a loss when they aren't available/ things aren't going well, and I can't self soothe very well. I'd never really heard of the term before until my psych mentioned it, which made me wonder how 'healthy minded' (or however I should say) people know how to self soothe themselves. Sometimes I get really locked on and destructive, and it's always to do with social things not working out. Good to hear, I hope the therapy helps you have fulfilling relationships and all that. 

Hmm, nothing comes to mind, it was mostly just confirming some things, and putting others into words- feelings, mostly. I'm going to read it again and pencil in some notes when I feel like getting around to it. It is nicely wrapped in paper =). 

It was especially bad because of how big a part the friend was of my life. They were probably 80% or more of my social interaction. Not sure if that is healthy, but I was definitely happy at the time. 

So, I met up with them on Friday to talk things through. It didn't go very well or very badly, and there wasn't really a conclusion. One thing they did say was that I was too sensitive, and it frustrated me. I know I'm very sensitive, but I also get how being around someone like that is difficult. And it frustrated me that it bothered them that much that they would bring it up. It does make me want to bring it up during my next session, and see if I can both work on it/make peace/not let it affect my relationships. 

Good news is that after having months of on and off depressive states I am actually feeling happy at times these days. 

Take care of your injuries! Kind thoughts to you, 

xmin

[hope4joy]

Hi xmin,

how nice it is to find your message here! Thank you, my leg is healing up well, I even went for a morning walk today. I really miss not being able to swim and do yoga as they're my primary ways to unwind and destress - and walking too. I'm not very good when I have to be still indoors for too long!! Hey have you checked out that salt water pool? I'm curious how you skin finds it? I went back to my old pool and they've added something to the water so the chlorine didn't affect my skin, which is a real plus. So hope to swim more over semester, as the pool is right on my uni campus.

Yeah, I agree that self soothing is really important. I know for me too that often I simply don't have enough social contact in my life - so self soothing is good for the short term but long term i need to make changes - which i find harder. Sometimes i find i'm too good at coping and self soothing so i ignore the problems at hand! (i'm not sure if that makes sense?). I've organised to meet some other people my age at uni this friday and have two things on this weekend... so that is a good effort in a week for me. I really want a few more close friends, i hate being lonely, people really nourish me, as much as i love my time alone. 

Without any guilt or pressure or any of that, have you got any ideas xmin on how you can go about slowly growing your social circle? 

And that sounds like a huge change with loosing that friend and your ex - it makes perfect sense that it impacted you that much. It was good that you were able to meet them. Do you think it is a friendship you can repair? Or it is one to let go of? What feels right to you? 

And being told was is too sensitive - ahhhh - I hate that so much!!! I am also a sensitive person. It is also part of what makes me creative, kind, caring, empathetic, a great listener, playful.... but yes, i can get very hurt and upset by certain things. and i often need to ask questions to understand things, and ask people to explain things so i can get what they mean. but i hate being criticised for it because its part of who i am. part of so many of my emo difficulties are because my dad and sis (who i grew up with) always invalidated me and told me i was too sensistive - exactly what a sensitive child doesn't need!!! So yes, please tell me anything you learn or find that can help find peace around this. 

Best get dashing soon, kindness to you! Christina 🙂

[xmin]

Hi Christina, 

Oh wow, nicely done. I get what you mean, that need to move itch is very real! I haven't had a chance, but I've packed my swimmers and will try to go tomorrow night after work. I'm hoping my skin will agree with saltwater, as I'm not supposed to go into chlorine if I can help it. Oh wow, that's pretty cool. Frequent swimming was great for my lungs, heart and general fitness. Not so much for my skin and hair. Sounds good. 

That definitely makes sense- although you should lend me some of your self soothing abilities ;). Good to hear you have stuff lined up, keep me updated on how that goes. 

I have no idea how to grow my social circle in a way I am comfortable with. I am planning on meeting up with an old friend on Monday, and we might discuss more future activity plans, so that's something.

It did impact me an incredible amount, I think an average person wouldn't have found it easy either. I'm not really certain. The ball is in their court, but I'm going to try and do whatever I can to try and fix it, as long as they are willing. I will have to let go if that's what they want, but it's definitely a friendship I would fight very hard to keep. 

That's very similar to what I've been reading about bpd. They have all these great qualities like you mentioned, but yes- they can be sensitive as well. It's all part of it. Well at first, I was ticked off at hearing it. I discussed it with another friend who told me that I shouldn't feel bad about being sensitive, and it's nothing to apologise for. Although on the other hand, I do remember leaving a friendship because the other person would take something which I thought was simple/light/non-offensive and turn it back on me, and I didn't want to be around that. So I get how it can be frustrating to have to watch what you say too much. 

Keep well 😃 xmim

[hope4joy]

Hi xmin,

morning! Its quite early here, well just past 5am, and because I had an early night my brain is like - lets go! enough sleep for us. Its nice to have time to hope back on here and write. I've had quite a few challenges these last two weeks. My old house is nearly all sorted, I just need to submit my bond form, and I'm thinking to submit some sort of complaint for bullying. My new place is nearly sorted - just need one more shelf thing for my art stuff and I'll be settled. I find anger really tiring and so intense. I've been an internalising anger sort of person - have done passive aggressive things and been sharp with my tongue, but haven't had the outward rage associated with bpd. But its like i'm just learning to express my anger in healthy ways and it is mighty hard work! Sometimes I muck up and end up swearing or getting personal, but more and more I'm being a healthy adult about it. These whole dramas with my house have given me the chance to stand up for myself - something i'd normally not do - and while its hard work to communicate anger in helpful ways - it is also quite empowering and affirming. To know i've got rights and deserve respect and that being treated in certain ways is not okay.

Its true what you say xmin about how tiring it can be to have a friend who reacts so much to lots of things one says. What i'm trying to learn with my sensitivity is to seek clarification in low-key non aggressive one sort of ways, and to do this before i feel a strong emotion. Hmm, not quite sure how to explain it. But like asking people what they mean by something in the moment, because often it is just a misunderstanding that offends. I don't always succeed, but i am getting better at it. Cause you're right, we want to be someone who is enjoyable to be around, and to encourage people to relax and be themself, not watching each word or something.

Have you hit the salt water yet? It must make it a long day for you, to swim after work, given you've got the commute. How is your job by the way? Do you enjoy it? Are there some possible people there you can get to know better? Like maybe chat more at lunch? Or get a coffee or something?

I find that there are only a few people I want to grow my social circle with, and its important to put energy into those connections. I've made one new friend at uni recently because we were both in this same activity over summer, and its a really fun and supportive friendship - we're both sort of nerdy!

...

[hope4joy]

I've also got two other people at uni i'd like to get to know more - and will contact them in the next couple of weeks to meet up. The thing i've been noticing xmin is how long it takes to grow a friendship - what with everyone leading busy lives it really takes months and even years to get to the close friend stage. So for me patience is so important. I find the best way for me to meet people is through some sort of regular activity i do, because then i can see them each week or so and get to know them. Are you part of any groups? Or have any inklings or the sort of thing you'd like to join?

I actually did something very exciting yesterday - went on a date! It has been a long while since I did that. Its a guy I met online. I kinda hate dating websites but find I'm just not meeting guys my age through uni or the things i do - so it is a way to met people. Anyway it went really well - he's kind and smart and attractive and into lots of things similar to me. So at the least I think i've got a new interesting friend. Was a bit outside my comfort zone but i came away feeling relaxed and happy. So lets see how it grows, I need to take things slowly! I think my problem in the past with both relationships and friendships has been to develop them in fast forward - was too quickly - and then when there is a problem it all falls apart because i haven't built up that trust and knowledge and depth. 

Whats been going on for you lately xmin? 

Do you have supports, like a therapist? And have you ever done DBT? You mentioned self soothing skills and there was a real emphasis on that throughout DBT.

Kind wishes to you! Christina 🙂

[xmin]

Hi Christina, 

I wish I could feel like that, I feel like I am perpetually sleep deprived. I'm supposed to be asleep right now but I'm too upset and dad is making a racket. ARGH. You've seemed quite busy, it's nice to see you pop in. Oh wow eh. I'm experiencing some moderate levels of anger right now. I am also more of an internal anger person, and it too feels very intense and hard to push away. That's all really good stuff to hear. My psych has been telling me about how these types of emotions are thought of as bad, but they're justified like any other and they have a purpose. Good on you for standing up for yourself. 

I understand what you mean by delaying the reaction by asking for clarification. It's a good idea, I should definitely try it. I always have a snap fast reaction to things, and I get fired up or upset very quickly by something simple. 

I did manage to go to the pool last week and it was lovely. Took me a half hour walk through the botanical gardens which was a bonus. I'd definitely like to go again. My job is alright, but I supposed I'm going through a not so great period at the moment. I'm actually thinking of having a word to the owner sometime soon about the person who is managing me. There's a few things to discuss that I'm unhappy with, and also some inappropriateness. I do have a few co-workers at work that I can chat and grab lunch with, and that's quite nice. But it just doesn't get rid of the fact that there's a d*ckhead in charge. 

I definitely connect with you in being selective with friends. Good thinking. And that's really good to hear about the new friend!

I hear what you're saying about building friendships and I appreciate that a lot goes into making a good one. Nothing really. I really should find a regular group but I can't think of anything that would suit my fancy. 

Wonderful news about the date, are you planning on meeting up again anytime soon? It's always good advice to take things slow hey, I hope it goes well for you. 

Not much has been going on for me. Mostly I'm stressed out because of work and that higher up. One of my coworkers has offered to be a witness for when I talk to the owner about what's been happening, so it was really nice to have his support. Tonight has not been such a good night- I messaged that ex-friend a couple of days ago and they aren't responding. So I have spiralled a bit. Having suicidal and depressing thoughts. 

[xmin]

I have a psychologist I see every few weeks, that's about it. I think I might have tried it and didn't take to it? Can't remember very well. 

Something positive, I did meet up with a friend I haven't seen for a while, went rock climbing.