Lifelong effects from childhood trauma

[white knight]

I've recently read up on the effects of childhood trauma. Without going into much detail at 12yo my brother 15yo nearly drowned in our backyard pool. He had a fit under water. Subsequently I didnt speak a word for 3 months. I didn't connect some of my adult issues with that event until 53yo at the hands of a brilliant psych. During one visit he asked how my brother got out of that above ground pool..."I lifted him and dropped him over the edge". Hence the shock. My parents ran with jam and attended to him. They weren't to know about my ordeal.

The residual of such trauma I can now share. When people often say "be gentle on yourself" I cant do that- zero ability to put up any defences like being wise enough to avoid conflict. Uet Im wise enough in so many other ways. When someone suggests to not be so over reactive or over emotional...I cant be less so, I dont have the ability to regulate those. And so on.

What has been a revelation is to learn that when a child has a traumatic event some of our reactions like sensitivity go to a higher than normal level...and stay there!

This doesnt mean you lose any part of your personality which is commonly locked in by age 7. But traumatic mental scars can alter your reactions to a higher level that has a negative effect for the rest of your life.

What can you do? Normally I have some suggestions but this time I'm asking you to supply them.

The symptoms are-

• high sensitivity leading to over reaction
• Inability to step back from conflict or disagreement
• following many hours of fuming usually I calm down and my soft side produces regret
• Such situations lead to a feeling of wanting an escape from the world

So far the only remedy I've found is avoidance. Avoiding people. This was the catalyst in the thread

Topic: fortress of survival- beyondblue

So if you can identify with this please reply.

Tony WK

[Summer Rose]

Hi White Knight

Thank you for your courage in sharing your childhood trauma and the effects this event has had on you and your life. Your personal insight really needs to be commended.

I am positive your post will encourage a lot of people to think about why they behave in certain ways at certain times. By sharing you are helping. Thank you.

I know what it's like to overreact, fume and soften with time. I do this too, although I don't know why. It's something I work on.

When I was dealing with my daughter's school to ensure she would be able to access her education on a level playing field with her non-OCD peers, I really struggled with this. It was personal, I had to "win" and I couldn't walk away from the conflict.

I learned to discipline myself to ask, "How does this help my girl?" before firing off an email or speaking at times. Instead of responding immediately, I would typically say I needed time to consider the matter and I would promise to respond within a certain timeframe.

Buying time gives you the chance to cool down and respond in a more helpful manner. Focusing on the big picture enables you to rise above the small stuff.

In my personal life I aim to always leave one unkind thought unsaid each day. People close to me often say I've "mellowed", they don't realise it's been deliberate change.

Despite my efforts I still stuff up at times and I feel awful when I hurt someone. A heartfelt apology is all you can do. Then I get up the next day and try to do better.

You have too much to offer to avoid the world. Keep plugging along, my friend, and you will get where you want to go.

Kind thoughts to you

[PamelaR]

Hello Tony WK

Thank you for sharing your story. I'd really like to reach out and give you a big hug. Interestingly, I don't think you are much into hugs, so I try to find some kind words to share with you.

I can't begin to imagine how you felt, though I think I understand some of your experience.

My experience is nothing at all like yours. When I was about 11yo, we got a kitten, that I really loved. After a couple of months, mum came home and said the cat had to go down stair and couldn't come inside the house ever again because my brother, 5 years older than me, had asthma and the doctor found out he was allergic to 'cats'. Well, being only 11 and not realising the implications my first words were 'Why can't my brother live downstairs'. Twelve months later my brother passed away from a heart attack brought on by the medication he had to use for asthma. I could never take those words back. He was the best brother ever.

My other trauma at 12 yo, did leave long lasting scars - exactly the same as you have dot pointed above. Back in the 1990s I saw a psychologist to help me reduce my heightened sensitivity. What she did do was help me change my behaviour, it didn't really cease my sensitivity. Though I have mellowed with age and a change of thinking. My current psych is helping me change my building blocks.

White Knight you are so good to everyone. You are always there being kind, caring and supportive. Thank you so much for this post.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[white knight]

Hi PamelaR

What a feeling you've carried. Of course common sense can say that you were young and had no concept of the seriousness of your brothers illness. But thats common sense and that doesnt count.

When I was 24yo my brother took his life. But although a traumatic time it had no impact of the type my pool event had at 12yo. This is why childhood trauma has such fierce effect. Permanent scars.

Summer Rose also mentioned about "mellowing". At 62, I have mellowed but it never seems enough. Sometimes I can take a breath and think.

The chinks in this knights armour arent weldable

Tony WK

[Tokoloshe]

Tony WK I want to thank you for this post. The dot points are me to a T. And yes we both have childhood trauma in common.

When I was 8 months old my mother nearly died in a car accident. She suffered a traumatic brain injury and was left with permanent physical and cognitive disabilities.

As a result I had virtually no contact with her as I lived with my maternal grandparents until aged 5. Then without explanation I was taken from them and went back to my parents home. From then until I left aged 18 every day was some form of traumatic or stressful experience. My father and I suffered terribly because my mother was incapable of regulating her own behaviour and we were physically and verbally abused all the time. There was much else besides and we had no help or support in those days.

I was an only child and had to learn to cope as best I could. Dad was the stiff upper lip type of person and never talked to me about what we were experiencing.

I have often wondered over my adult years if this was at least in part some reason as to why I have so many mental health issues.

I have a pattern of behaviour exactly as you describe. It leads to my circle of exposure/contact consistently decreasing over the years. I am estranged from my mother. I start jobs and then inevitably get involved in conflict with management because I won't walk away and have huge blow ups over small things. I have no friends. I withdraw to my little rural idyll filled with my pets and my wonderful partner and dream of winning xlotto and never leaving the property again.

I think the constant hyper vigilance U gad to cultivate to survive my mother's unpredictable behaviour may have had life long effects amongst other stuff.

I would really like to discuss these patterns of behaviour further because your experience is so familiar. Perhaps we can gain some insight from each other and help each other with our understanding. 🙂 All the best, D.

[white knight]

Hi D,

This us more than remarkable. See I've mentioned the effects of trauma but there us a 2nd equally effective issue, my mother.

She has spent a lifetime in denial of her unpredictable behaviour. The closest I have come to guessing it is chronic BPD. Borderline Personality Disorder can be similar to several personalities (no offence to the sufferers) and these are distinctly different.

This is described very well if you google the following

Waif, witch queen hermit

My mother was all 4 people. This caused major anxiety and later depression and dysthymia (another depression). All 3 of us kuds have/had bipolar2, my brother having died in 1979 was not diagnosed however.

My mother was a narcissist and ruined my wedding in 1985. Numerous other events but leading up to my second wedding in 2011 she threatened to do the same. I had to get a court order to make sure she'd stay away from the park, our wedding venue. I have not and will not see her again. Same with my sister.

In fact my sister and I were our mothers toys. She'd play us against each other...divide and conquer. Not now. My sister and I are close.

I wonder if your mother had an isdue like mine has?

I also googled many sites. Like "children of Borderline mothers" or bpd mothers.

This sounds bad for bpd suffeters that might read this but we are talking about those that dont seek treatment and not all are as bad. But BPD is hard to treat. Many sufferers reject help and leave a train wreck whete ever they go, manipulation, sympathy, emotional blackmail and control.

So google that D and we can chat more. Certainly we have this in common.

Tony WK

[Elizabeth CP]

I'm afraid I have no answers to how to deal with these scars from childhood trauma. Tokoloshe your story really touched me. Your dad would have struggled looking after your mother & dealing with her condition but as a young child there is no way you could have understood what was happening making it so much worse.

My psych keeps reminding me that childhood trauma has much greater effect than trauma later in life. It seems to become hardwired so we need to learn to cope with the results because we can't undo the scars.

My trauma was being caught in a bushfire which resulted in us losing everything we owned. This has resulted in overreaction to triggers related to this event but it has also impacted on the way I think & act throughout my life. The guilt feelings from not being able to help mean even now I am always trying to help & never feeling I'm doing enough.

I also experienced bullying as a child which still makes me feel like nobody other than family like me & I'm never good enough.

In contrast I had one bad experience as a child which has not had a long term effect. In that case the manager of the migrant hostel I was in & his wife became involved. I remember them looking after me after this incident & reassuring me. With them I felt safe. Later they told my parents what had happened & they took me to the police to report the incident at the managers suggestion. I remember the fear during the incident but having adults helping me feel safe & knowing they cared wanted to ensure nothing like that ever happened again took away the fear. I wonder if this is the key. When children experience trauma they need a trusted adult to reassure them & help them feel understood & safe but this doesn't happen the scars are permanent.

[white knight]

Thanks Elizabeth for your contribution. Your example is so apt.

It prompted me to look at the definition of trauma.

Oxford dictionary

1. A deeply distressing or disturbing experience.

2. Emotional shock following a stressful event or a physical injury, which may lead to long-term neurosis.

3. Physical injury eg blunt trauma

As adults when we are subjected to shock we take evasive action if possible or at least go through the processes of grief or repair. As a child there is no control so we rely on our parents or guardians to do that for us, to protect and nurture.

So the role of the guardian is crucial to our mental well being. I am not "blaming" as such because we are not discussing to judge. Just posing questions. I'm questioning the capacities of some parents and guardians to protect us. Also our own capacities on such reliance of that protection.

• Do some children require more support than others due to say genes?
• Do some children not get the support/nurturing post trauma because of limited ability for the guardian to cope with their own losses? eg your parents Elizabeth would have had severe levels of their own trauma recovery
• Do some children react to events as traumatic when other kids don't? eg the family home burning down compared to the loss of a family pet or grandparent could all be different levels of loss for different children?
• Are some parents incapable due to drugs, alcohol, works stress, home absenteeism and ... well they just don't care or realise an event has been received in a traumatic way by the child. eg the loss of a childs kitten especially in older days could be seen by an adult as minor..."take it like a man"..."cry baby" etc
• How many of us are children of a parent/parents with their own mental illness issues? That's a hornets nest.

Of course parenting is interesting. It's one of the many things we grow up to do and many of us don't get training to be one. Incompetency in parenting is common more so in the past generations. And just try to pull them up on their techniques! So this can result in childhood trauma not being addressed or even prevented.

So many questions and so few answers. We need answers.

At 54yo some 8 years ago I finally found that answer of my mothers (possible and likely) illness that made life a living hell all my life. That answer, one that fitted very well the symptoms and the consequences of her sickness allowed forward movement. An answer of sorts.

More comments welcome

Tony WK

[Elizabeth CP]

Your comments Tony are correct. There are many reasons children don't always get the support they needed. Today the need for support & counselling following a traumatic event is understood. This was not the case when I was a child. I remember hearing the person who had provided temporary accomodation following the bushfire telling mum to send me back to school the day after the fire because' you need a break'. As a child I interpreted that as meaning mum's needs were more important than mine. I needed to do as I was told return to school & make sure I didn't say or do anything to upset mum. I never ever spoke to my family (or anyone else until recently) about the bushfire & how I felt so obviously they never had the chance to understand how I felt so never gave me the support they would have given if they knew.

I add to you list of reasons children miss out on needed support .

Sometimes children don't tell adults what has happened (as in my case I never told anyone I was bullied) or how the traumatic event is affecting them. This leaves parents unaware of what is happening in their child's mind.

Years ago there was a bushfire nearby directly affecting friends of my son. They were in year 11 & took pride in coping. They bragged about how they tried to save their homes while their parents were at work. My son was upset that I kept my son away from the fire so he missed out on the excitement. Counselling was offered through the school but none of my son's friends accepted it because they said they didn't need it. Within several months they had all dropped out of school. I can't help but wonder what would have happened if they had been prepared to accept some support instead of putting up a brave front in public.

[white knight]

Hi Elizabeth,

re: "Counselling was offered through the school but none of my son's friends accepted it because they said they didn't need it. Within several months they had all dropped out of school. I can't help but wonder what would have happened if they had been prepared to accept some support instead of putting up a brave front in public."

That kind of ties in with my new thread today "men isolated". but that's self inflicted isolation.

Such male bravado can be the result when a group of guys share such an event. Logically they cant all be unaffected. So the ones that should get treatment don't as they would likely be ridiculed.

I attended a car accident when I was a country fireman. I'd done the job for 12 years at 4 different towns. This was on the back of my 3 years as a prison guard. There was three occupants, a 3 yo girl, mum driver and her mother as front passenger. They were all fine, hardly a scratch. But as the little girl was released easily the other two took about 20 minutes to cut the car to extract them. In the meantime one fireman was with the "trauma teddy" and the girl. "Oh teddy is looking at mummy's car, never mind teddy says, mummy is alright and grandma to, they are helping the other firemen". And on and on he talked. After a few minutes she said "teddy wants to help" So we all acted like teddy was helping.

I assume studies have concluded the positive and preventative effects of such trauma. Such comfort items and talking have been a great improvement over the years to prevent childhood trauma. A greater understanding, like now, they wouldn't have let you back at school so early. Even telling you that they are going to build another home or get another home would have been substantial.

Sometimes I think we are a victim of the era we grew up in. But then again, kids today have different challenges like social media bullying that can happen at a very young age and become trauma.

Tony WK