Letting People Down Or Feeling That Way.

[Beaser]

Hi and best wishes to everyone. I was wondering do people have feelings of letting people down when they dont feel up to social events. I am lucky to have some great friends and for example i have just been asked to go away for a few days but its just easier to say no . I know that i have to push myself but i have been battling a bit of late and i feel tired and mentally drained. I dont want to lose friends because of not doing things . Im really battling with this problem.

[Beaser]

Hi Ray

Thanks for your kind reply.

I am really enjoying my volunteering at the hospital . Im starting to get more confidence and know my way around what is a typical hospital rabbit warren. Its been a great thing for me  i would like to look at an extra shift after Christmas and maybe even apply for a job there  down the track.

I think we are maybe both the same in that i like to be around a couple of friends at a time rather than a big group. 

Im sorry to hear that your anxiety has been up of late i hope your feeling ok today. 

Best wishes for the weekend.

Brett

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Brett,

 I am so happy you are really enjoying the  volunteering at the hospital. It is really good when you start feeling at home in a place. That would be wonderful to be able to get a job there. Fingers crossed an opportunity comes up.

Thanks for your kind wishes. I hope you’ve been having a lovely weekend.

Best wishes to you too,

ER

[Beaser]

Thanks Ray.

The weekend has been ok.   A friend has asked me to go away camping for a couple of days next weekend. Its just my anxiety levels skyrocket when   have something ahead like this . I get so sick of this happening i just wish   i could look forward to such things.

Hope youre well    Brett

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Brett,

I’m wondering if it is possible to sense or feel into what it is that might be making you feel anxious? Often anxiety is so amorphous and hard to pinpoint. But sometimes once we know what is driving it we can begin to address it.

I’ve often found my anxiety is linked to patterns learned from childhood where I was brought up to please others, so I’ve often felt I have to do something if someone else asks me. This can lead to a feeling of a lack of boundaries in which I feel I don’t have choices and I’m not even able to tell sometimes what I actually want. I’m gradually learning to sense what my needs and wants are and then it starts becoming easier to say yes or no (whichever feels right for me). 

Do you feel you would like to go on the camping trip and spend time with you friend? Do you find that once you do go you feel better and it is just the anticipation that’s anxiety inducing? If it’s the anticipation but you usually end up enjoying such trips, there might be some strategies for managing that. Or if you feel you maybe actually don’t want to go, it might be a way to develop boundaries and let your friend know it isn’t right for you at the moment. I guess I’m wondering if you can sense within your own intuition what you would really like, and then find ways to follow that so you meet your needs first (this is something I am only really just learning to do myself).

I’ve been that friend who was always happy to go to the cafe others wanted, went to see the movies others wanted, even did activities on my birthday that others wanted. I had no idea how to assert something I might want while being very sensitive to others feelings and wishes. If that’s in any way similar to you, I think it is possible to become a bit more self-focussed and it’s not selfish at all to do that. That may or may not fit for you, but I just thought I’d mention that in case it helps in any way.

I hope you have a good week,

ER

[Beaser]

Hi Ray and thanks again.

You are very right with how you see my situation. 

I guess if im honest i didnt feel like going camping . I have a favorite  spot that i like to go but they are not going there and thats part of the reason as i feel comfortable where we normally go.  Maybe this sounds a bit  strange but its just my makeup. As you said maybe i need to set up some boundaries. 

I just find decision making so hard at times.             

Brett

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Brett,

That doesn’t sound strange at all. I’m quite sensitive to places and feel more comfortable in some than others. The same with certain activities. As mentioned above I would always go to see the movies friends wanted to see even when it wasn’t really a movie I wanted to see. Then on one occasion my friends were going to see a violent thriller about an awful subject matter. I really do not like such films and finally for the first time I politely said no and explained why. The friend organising it wasn’t that impressed with me saying no. She watches violent movies all the time and it doesn’t seem to bother her at all. I was really glad I stuck up for what I knew was right for me, even if it seemed trivial or silly to that friend.

 I think if you become a good friend to yourself you are able to act in your own interests. The most genuine friends will also respect your boundaries, preferences and decisions. So I guess it’s a case of just checking in with yourself and seeing whether you might like this new camping spot if you give it a try, or whether you might prefer not to go. It’s less important making them happy than it is making you happy. It’s taken me many years to begin learning this and I still can default to making others happy, but more and more hearing my own intuition. I think you eventually become at peace with your own choices when you can trust what you know feels right for you, but I know it can be a bit challenging getting to that point!

Take it easy and try not to worry. Often things that seem to matter a lot are not as big as they seem. Listen in to what feels right for you.

Best wishes,

ER

[Beaser]

Thanks ER.

You are right about trying not to worry and i know things do not matter as much as i tend to believe in my mind.

 I did my volunteering yesterday , it was a bit more challenging as the hospital is an ever changing environment with different appts on different days. But  did get through ok.    My football club had there AGM meeting last night i intended to go but i just didnt have the energy i feel a bit bad but im not on the committee and the AGMs arent really for me. 

I hope all is well with you and sending you my best wishes.          Brett.  

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Brett,

Good on you for putting your needs first in relation to the AGM when you didn’t have the energy and recognising AGMs are not for you. I know it’s hard not to feel bad sometimes as I often feel a sense of obligation too. The place where I do volunteer work has suggested I take over an additional role from another volunteer who recently died. Initially I got this feeling that I have to do it because I was asked (that’s how my brain works) but my gut feeling is it is too much for me. It would mean significantly more hours there a week and it does involve driving over 50km to another town. I do enjoy it there and they’re nice people, but I have a feeling it’s a bit much for me and will take up the limited energy I have, affecting the rest of my life. So I’m leaning towards not doing it. I really get the difficulty you describe with these things as I get it too, that feeling of not wanting to let others down. But the reality is they do find someone else or another way of managing tasks when they need to. I’m learning that it’s not my responsibility to solve everyone else’s problems! I also think I often get asked because people sense that I’m agreeable and will likely help out. I’m gradually learning to listen to when I need to say no.

 I hope you have a good rest of the week and weekend Brett. Take care and all the best, ER