Keeping my spirits up.

[ChrissyStar]

HI all, how are you? Great, I hope! I need somewhere to chat and keep connected to people....somewhere I can boast on my achievements to keep my spirits up and connect during the down times. I thought I would try here. Maybe I will number them for clarity.

1. I recently found myself stuck in front of the TV - for a very long time. It was a "safe" place where I could tune out and forget about my worldly problems. Of course this just meant time ticked over and the disappointment in not achieving anything piled up...and the chores as well...so it didn't actually help - just was an escape. I became trapped in this place and I couldn't get out. I'm not sure what changed - maybe the pending new year gave me hope of a fresh start....whatever it was, I am happy to say that I have broken out of it. I have cleaned the walls of the house (which were not clean when I moved in +6 months ago and hadn't been done in over 20 yrs) and got some furniture arranged in a more livable pattern. I am so proud of myself!!! The thoughts of whether or not this was fair on myself (feelings of being a victim) have dissipated too. I have gotten through 3 rooms and am now starting on the kitchen (one of the worst hit spots with the rodent droppings). And the feelings which stop me in my tracks has not arisen. Thank you for allowing me to express this here. Giving me "someone to talk to". Even though I do not expect a reply. Just the connection makes all the difference. I am not alone. Till next time. Live on!

[white knight]

Hi Crissy star, welcome

Well fine, you broke the routine!

You might be interested in a recent thread. Google. Topic: anxiety? Plan your future- beyondblue

It depicts our need to plan things as we do with so many other aspects of our lives but with mental illness we are too preoccupied with the present.

Youve posted on a terrific forum.

Tony WK

[romantic_thi3f]

Hey ChrissyStar,

Thank you for your post and woo hoo!! Congrats lady 🙂

It sounds like you've had a massive few wins and I appreciate you sharing them with us.

We actually have a long running thread about our wins which you may want to use -https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/share-your-achievements-small-or-big

Keep posting if you like but definitely keep recognising them and celebrating them!

[ChrissyStar]

2. I have awoken today not feeling too bad - but completely low on energy and rather depressed. I feel like lying in bed all day doing nothing and so far, that is what I have done. I have tried to off-set this by watching videos which can help me train my horse - so doing something worthwhile with the time. But still, I would rather be downstairs cleaning my kitchen and getting somewhere I need to be faster than right now. What is wrong with me!!? I just don't understand where all this dead-ness comes from and why I just don't want to do anything. I feel so alive and jam packed full of potential in my mind and spirit...but when it comes to it physically - well, I just can't be bothered. The contrast is so frustrating and makes me want to cry.

[pipsy]

Hi Chrissy. What comes to mind here is the thought you seem to be competing against yourself. You want to do everything - now, but your energy levels are low, so you fight against yourself. Depression is the first thing that comes into mind here. When you want to do something and you feel as though it's 'too hard,' the depression takes over leaving you drained. I suggest you take a step back and look at what gives you pleasure. Training your horse would be a pleasurable thing as it wouldn't be in the same class as a 'chore'. Housework, etc are chores, and boring. Watching t.v can be boring, but if you watch an interesting program, quite often you get ideas for hobbies. Cleaning your kitchen sounds tedious, listening to music while cleaning can be a bonus. Music seems to cheer because while you're listening, housework seems easier.

Lynda

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi ChrissyStar,

Thank you for posting again and I'm sorry things have changed so much for you yesterday. It sounds like it was very sudden and pretty upsetting to be so high and then so low again.

I know from my experiences depression can be very much up and down; they'll be moments where I'm feeling good and can do things (like take my dog for a walk or tidy up the house), and then other moments where I don't even want to get up from the floor. The thing to remember is that it's normal and it's okay to have big contrasts in our moods. The other thing to remember is that having a 'down' day doesn't mean that your depression is getting worse, or that you're 'not going a good job'. The good days still matter.

In your first post you said that you were happy because you cleaned the walls and moved the furniture; but it's also worth noting that not only did you do that (which sounds soo exhausting) but you also recognised that TV was an escape (a big deal and a hard one), and you reached out to us (which can take an enormous amount of courage).

[ChrissyStar]

Thank you for your support, I especially loved the observation that I am competeing with myself. I had not thought of that before and yes you are completely right - I am competeing with myself. I am competing against time - I am 38yrs old and do not have children. There are a couple of issues here that stop me from doing so: 1) I won't bring a child into the world dependent on Centrelink. Both my boyfriend and I are. I am developing a small business and changing this but my partner does not seem interested in working on finances. 2) My boyfriend and I have not been intimate in years. We just "spoon". I don't think it's right to bring a child into the world unless the parents are in love - and physically attracted to each other (more than comfort spooning). This is huge driver of my depression - not having kids & the clock ticking over. I of course have to leave - but I cannot leave unless I have a car (we live remotely) and finances to get a place to live in....thus another need to work on the small business. Except I can't work on the business if I live in a rat-infested hole - thus the massive cleaning spree I am currently on. So the upside is that I know what my problems are and what I need to do - and if I can manage it so that it doesn't overwhelm me and I seek solace in fantasy TV land - then I am working towards the right direction. Once I get some finances up I can break up and move out. I feel terrible about it all. But if I am going to have both a life I can be proud of (by supporting myself financially), a relationship (not a friendship) and a child - then I have to do it. And I have to do it within the next couple of years. Oh, and did I mention I feel I also have to stop using the drug crutch? What a mess! However, it could be worse - afterall, my 20's were spent in and out of jail & living with no fixed place of abode! So all in all - I am on the up.

I think what makes it worse, is that I had an excellent education, am intelligent, super attractive and have a great personality. And my mother makes sure I know this and that I am not doing what I "should" be doing...however that doesn't change anything, just reminds me of what a failure my life is. Such is life.

[ChrissyStar]

3. Today I got up ok. I was fearful of a repeat of yesterday (which
was horrific - stayed in bed all day forcing myself to sleep + watching
dud TV shows I hated till I fell asleep). But it wasn't. I am rather
suprised & confused at exactly why not? Is it because I stayed up
till 2am listening to self help videos and cleaning? I have to get up
to feed the horse every morning - maybe the 6hrs sleep (in stead of
10-12hrs) is good for me somehow. Whatever it was, I felt ok this
morning. And it felt good last night (self-help videos + cleaning)...so
that is also what I plan to do today. Thanks for being here to share
with + for your replies (they mean alot and help heaps!!). And I wish
your day brings you happiness + peace.

[pipsy]

Hey Chrissy. Just because you haven't achieved everything you wanted, it doesn't make you a failure. Failure's are people who don't try because it's 'too hard'. You gave it your best shot with everything you planned. You spent time in jail, you experimented with drugs, everything you did was because you had to see where you were going. Through experimenting with drugs, being in jail etc, you learned you didn't want that kind of life. You are focussed on what you want, with hoping to start a business, wanting children etc. You also know whether you and your bf are 'together' in what you both want. When you say you have to leave, are you talking about leaving your bf, or leaving where you are living. If you feel your relationship is no longer right, this is something you have to decide. You mentioned lack of intimacy, is this because neither of you want to be intimate or because you don't feel the same about him? You have to do what makes you happy. Try not to take what your mum says 'on board'. Sometimes, we mothers say things we shouldn't, out of love - yes, but sometimes it's better to say nothing. I frequently have to 'bite my tongue' with my grown children. You never stop being your mothers 'babies' and we tend to forget you are grown people with the right to be your own person.

Lynda

[ChrissyStar]

Hiya, thank you for your reply - I appreciate it heaps!! I am talking about leaving my BF because it is his house and we do not make love. This is important to me - for passion (& closeness) + having children (which I have not had yet and I am now 38yrs old, so time is ticking!!). We do not make love - I don't know why. It is something to do with him - he is not interested. We went through a period where I would get really frustrated because he did not want to touch me. I would get so frustrated I would sometimes just storm out, or hit myself in the chest/heart (it was THAT frustrating & emotionally upsetting to me at the time). Those times are long gone now and I have accepted that we are friends and that love making is not something that we do. I do not attempt to make love to him and he does not attempt with me. He is welcome to - we sleep next to each other every night. He sometimes spoons me but never goes further. Such is life. I am suprised to find tears are coming to my eyes as I write this. Sad stuff, I guess (for me, anyway). I fear I will never find a lover or someone to have children with. The thing is, we were living in a caravan which became rat infested and horrid. I went into a really bad depression and was desperate to get out of the living environment. His father suggested buying a place we could live in and we did this. Now I live in his house and as I do not have any money and am battling this depression - I feel I have no choice. I am lucky in a sense - while I get myself together I have a good place to live. But at the same time - I am sure that I would not have experienced any depression if it wasn't for the relationship breakdown - when we stopped making love. It was my fault - he wanted me to leave him alone, but I just couldn't understand why we couldn't have Utopia and refused to leave. It was around this time we stopped making love. The bad thing is we both got opiate habits. At first I would say I did not want it, but he would badger me until I had it with him - he didn't want to do it alone. I thought I could handle it and caved with the aim of stopping soon. Then the love making stopped and he rejected me emotionally. I did not understand why - at time he treated me very badly emotionally, like I was an annoyance and beneath him. My pride was hurt and slowly, the opiates were what we shared. This was our thing - sadly. And then I entered teh deep depression. And now voila - I am where I am...