I wish I wasn't the one conscious in this body

Guest_52609803

I initially wanted to title this "I want to disappear", but I'm not meaning I want to end my life, I mean that I don't have the energy for anything in my life. I wish I wasn't the one conscious in this body, but instead watching my life in 3rd person. Because I honestly can't be bothered making the decisions or moving it myself.

Since 2020, I've been feeling really disconnected from everything. I lost friends after grad from what I can only assume was due to my jealousy; I started to game more and more to escape my reality; My eyesight is so incredibly bad that it's getting -0.5 worse each year; I could never keep a job for more than a year because I kept telling myself how unfair the job was or how unprofessional it was; I jumped 5+ different tertiary courses and accumulated debt; I let my learner drivers license expire this month, barely driving 30 hours since getting my learners 5 years ago; and I even got diagnosed with PCOS which has still been left untreated because of my laziness - so I'm obese, constantly tired, insulin resistant / pre-diabetic, hormonally imbalanced, not getting my period and craving food all the time.

My sleep schedule is so bad because I'm gaming into the night, or using this time to study. But I'm even missing my classes, so I'm still weeks behind. When my sleep schedule goes super bad to the point when I am up at 7am, I just force myself to stay up the next day till 9pm so I can "sleep on time". But when I sleep, I am constantly sleeping 9+ hours; sometimes even 12+ hours. I've tried taking supplements and getting into a routine (like skincare or haircare), but I lose interest in it by the 2nd week.

It is so hard to even get myself checked up with a GP, because I can't stop sleeping or getting off my ass. It took me 2 weeks to get a blood test because I kept putting it off, or messing up my fast. I want to get help so bad, but if I want my physical and mental health properly checked, I have to get through the first obstacle of actually going, and then the next obstacle of paying money that I just don't have.

To top it all off, I just feel SO ALONE. Because no one has experienced all of this like I have; no one can relate! I have no one that knows how to comfort me or to help me because they just don't understand any of it. I love my boyfriend, friends and my family, but no one is able to - or should! - put aside what is going on in their life, just to help me. What can I do?

therising

My heart goes out to you so much as you face such an enormously challenging time in your life, with so many challenges.

As a 55yo gal, I'm now finding self discipline to be highly underrated. As I struggle with a serious lack of it, I'm now taking action to address it big time. Better late than never, hey. I've found self discipline isn't an issue 'til it becomes one and sometimes a massive one. While an initial lack of it seems harmless enough, in various parts of our life, how it comes to add up over time can end up being far from harmless. With the question 'How to begin practices in self discipline?', it can definitely be hard to consider the answer when we've got next to no energy with which to begin the practice/s.

There's just so much to consider to begin with, such as

What does my daily structure need to look like? How do I need to structure my time? What habits need to become a part of that structure?
Do I need someone to guide, support and discipline me into forms of self discipline? Do I need a bit of a 'tough love' approach from others who are going to dictate the way forward?
What areas in my life do I need to address?
What kind of education/research would help in the way of greater self understanding? What do I need to know in the way of why I struggle and what I need in the way of thriving?
What are some small practices to begin with?

and the list goes on.

With you mentioning 3rd person perspective, I'd never considered such a perspective. Such a fascinating thought or idea. It could be something that offers insight. I should add that it would be important to only occasionally take this approach, as opposed to taking it all the time. Taking it all the time could lead to eventual complete disassociation from a sense of self. To be the teller of our own story, taking a bird's eye view, could lead to a number of revelations. For example, 'She stayed up gaming 'til all hours of the morning because it's the only high she could feel in life. While knowing this was going to mess with her, draining her energy while not having it restored through good quality sleep, she'd eat in order to gain the energy her body desperately craved as some form of fuel' and so on. Btw, another approach or perspective could be a soulful kinda of one. For example, 'How do I manage this body I'm in? How do I manage this mind that I have? How do I need to manipulate this body and mind, in order for them to serve me? What are the best ways of fueling them? Why aren't they working in the ways I need them to work? How do I get this brain (computer/processor) up there in my head to begin computing or processing the best ways forward? How do I master these things that I have as resources in life?'. There are so many different perspectives and it can be a matter of finding the right one or ones for us, depending on the circumstances. If I was to bring the analyst in me to life, I imagine it saying 'How's your current perspective working for you?'. The short answer would be 'It's not working'. Part of the challenge (when it comes to making much needed changes) involves finding the perspective that will work. Not an easy thing to do, for sure.

Btw, I've found that it doesn't matter what age we're at or what stage we're at, sometimes we need serious raising. Whether that becomes a full time, part time or casual job, there'll be times where others need to appoint themself the role of 'Raiser'. If they don't accept the role or appointment of raising us, what we're left feeling or sensing is a constant dis-appointment.❤️