Saying Goodbye To Life

AnotherHuman

Hello,

I think my time in life is coming to an end soon. I'm not certain when it's going to happen...or where...but I know it's approaching. It's sad to think about all the different lives I could have lived. All the different people and things I could have become. All the experiences I will never get to have. It's odd being on this side of the fence. When I was younger - the door was open to all kinds of possibilities.

Those doors are closing now, one by one. I had promised myself not to become the kind of adult I am right now. I saw all the warning signs from others I observed falling into similar traps. I guess I just didn't have what it takes. Somebody once told me when I was 16 sitting alone in a university library reading The Lord of the Rings "Stay curious, or you'll end up like me". I've never forgotten that. It appears I am becoming that kind of a man. The person that only warns others of a bad life because he couldn't live a good one for himself.

Everything virtuous in me has been sucked clean and now there's nothing left but the hollowed shell of a human being who once thought he could make it out in time. Ah, well. My heart goes out to anyone struggling and I hope with all I have left that you can push through. I have accepted my role in life, as a loser. It's over for me now and I am making peace with that.

Guest_59511144

Sending so much strength and hope for another day..

amd1953

You and me both brother or sister,

This world is enough to make a saint cry. However, I caution against doing anything remotely irreversible. I lose it with the world almost every day and that is why I stay well away from other people because I find most of them if not all of them a trifle too much to contend with on a regular basis. But I don't hate anyone even though I joke around and say that I do. It's just me venting my anger at the stupidity and stubbornness that I see every day of the week. Taking yourself out of the equation is not the answer, believe me. We might throw our toys out of the pram on a regular basis, but I don't see that as an excuse for spitting the dummy out too. Many times, in the past life has had a choke hold on me and I was all alone in the process. What gets us through this maze of madness is an undying desire to be there at the end. It doesn't matter what the world throws at you, you just have to keep going and the light at the end of the tunnel won't be a train, it will be the sun dawning on another day when things don't look so bad.

amd1953

Sophie_M

Hi AnotherHuman,

Welcome to the Forums and thank you for your bravery and openness in sharing here. It’s a good place to hear from others who understand some of the things you’re going through. We can hear you’ve been dealing with some difficult things.

We've reached out to you to offer some support in private. In the meantime, we encourage you to give us a call on the Beyond Blue Support Service. We are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 and our counsellors are good at talking people through moments like this and working out options for more support. You can also reach out online.

Another option would be ringing Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467), who can talk things through with you, and help you to plan for your safety.

If you’re feeling suicidal or are having thoughts about harming yourself, it's important that you take immediate steps to keep safe. If you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about suicide or self-harm this is an emergency, and you need to call 000 (triple zero).

We hope our lovely community has been able to provide some comfort to you during this time.

Kind regards,
Sophie M

Zarak

You're still a good enough of a man to see virtue as a value. I think you might be too hard on yourself.

From all the lives you could have lived, people you could have become, all the experiences you might have had and the all the doors that were open, I think it is likely that that a selection of these could have been acquired, but certainly not all of them. I've had friends and family that has achieved material success that the cost of youth or health, career success at a the cost of family or made it the requirements that their spouse/family provides a fair amount of leverage for them to raise their own family, or a world of experiences such as travel at the cost of some or all of them above. I have not known anyone that has ticked box all of the above, and certainly without hardship and sacrifice - not a popular topic of discussion and certainly influencers aren't going to post about their low points, even if they do it won't be rewarded by search algorithms.

It seems like you know acutely what you don't want; you're able to define it as a bad life and being able to warn others. So which of the endless possibilites is the one you truly want? Are you still not able to refocus and work your way there? I don't mean getting there in the next few months; it might take a few years after a brief period of time off for you to rest and re-centre. Then get back at your one goal, breaking it down into small rungs you can climb towards everyday; if you feel like it give it your all, if you don't feel like it still do a lit. If you get stuck on life admin or adulting, that's okay use the time to reassess and plan next steps. Go at it with grit.

I haven't been able to succeed in the past year that I was able to in the last decade, while I am watching people around me that I have coached who have been able to successfully navigate the current uncertainties. I thought I had a lot of answers figured out but I guess I didn't. Personally, I am taking a few steps backwards while I figure myself out too. Just keep swimming (I'm actually no good at swimming, but I have become good at jogging).

therising

Hi AnotherHuman

While we can be given one of the most sage-like pieces of advice at the age of 16, it's not until a certain age or stage that this sense of wisdom really resonates. The type of questioning that can be triggered in finally having reached a more awakened state can help determine a sense of direction. As a 55yo gal, this is what I've found to be the case in my own life.

In now beginning to regain the abilities I thought had been long lost, I've come to see the value in what are not just our natural gifts or abilities but our super natural ones. In now beginning to come to my senses or return to them, I've come to experience a greater sense of curiosity that I once felt as being long lost. I have returned or turned again to a greater sense of imagination, sense of wonder, sense of feeling, sense of intuition (guiding inner dialogue) and sense of excitement, as well as other things well worth sensing. In such things coming back to life, while gradually bringing me back to life, I wonder how they were ever lost or how they ever became diminished over time. What leads us to be less curious, less imaginative or less of a daydreamer? What leads us to become less wonderful, less feeling, less intuitive? What leads us to accept a lack of excitement? Whether I've reached the right or wrong conclusion who knows but I believe it involves a lack of good leadership, regarding the things or people that can lead us in the wrong direction, away from practicing and developing of love of relying on these things we thrived on when we were young. Were we ever really taught how to become masters of sensitivity?

While I'm no expert on The Lord of the Rings, a quick Google leads me to consider Arda. While this is the continent or landscape in which the stories play out, I consider life as a landscape. How do we become so lost at times? How do suddenly or gradually go off track and find ourself in the darker parts of this landscape we call 'life'? How do we become so led astray at times, from remembering who we truly are (naturally imaginative, wonderful, curious, adventurous, fearless etc)? While we may fail to see the forest through the trees, while we may fail to see the purpose of the landscape, sometimes it's not until we emerge while standing on a cliff's edge that we realise that our ultimate identity is 'Traveler, navigator, pioneer, cartographer of uncharted territory who occasionally needs a guide or traveling companion when feeling completely and utterly lost'. Such a place, that cliff's edge, is the verge (of change) where a whole new part of the landscape is revealed. While even Frodo had guides, the hero's journey remains far from easy at times.

While we can reach the wrong conclusion, that we are 'a loser', sometimes the truth is the only thing we have lost is our way in life. Regaining a sense of direction is a part of the quest. It may sound a little trite perhaps but we never lose our compass (our sensitivity or ability to sense), we just stop using it for a whole number of reasons. I've found the need to dust it off and begin using it again comes from the feeling of no longer being able to live without it.