I don't know whether to get any sort of immediate or professional support.

[Yellow-Thorn78]

Yesterday, a person who I trauma dumped on told me to seek out professional support.

They recommended me direct websites to where I can talk about the issues I've had in high school; for the more erratic thoughts that I've taken on during the COVID lockdowns with my grandpa passing away from heart issues, people speaking towards me in condescending or dismissive ways and a girl who pretended to make sexual advances over the phone despite me saying before then revealing that it was all a joke. The only issue I've had is that this has all happened to me four years ago. While I would like to talk about it directly, I don't yet possess adequate social skills, emotional intelligence nor life experience to talk about it in a way that can feel productive towards me. I did so once, but my parents didn't like how negative my mindset was from doing it. I've also been changing slowly; having wanted to take on jobs at home, work and university that to a great extent have supported me to have a greater emotional depth. I've returned to running/soccer, and I've slowly been embracing new activities like going to art galleries. 

The issues I need to work on that I came to in the end after I began to calm down after trauma dumping is that while I need to be more conscientious about how I say what's the problem, learn how to hear myself and others more, be honest and speak out the moment someone hurts; the greater feeling that keeps eating me inside is that I don't feel seen by others or I am not wanted by others unless it is beneficial for them. That even though people can and should high road me if I become too aggressive or toxic; it's the thought that no one wants to "call a spade a spade" and be more brutally honest towards themselves and the people around them that make them feel phony. It's sort of like Holden Caufield when he calls others "phonies"; though this time I've seen and heard more people directly lie and mistreat others. For me to believe that I can be healthier is to hold stop trying to be a good person and holding others to same idyllic version of themselves and instead find my center or middle ground, be more consistent and build myself up from. That happened less the last time I saw a professional.

[Sophie_M]

Yellow-Thorn78, 

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us - what a wonderfully honest and open reflection you have provided here! It sounds like you have had to grapple with so much over the past few years, and it would be really, really hard to keep all of those emotions and thoughts in all the time... so, it makes sense that you chose to confide in someone you trust.

It can be so confusing and painful to feel like we can't show up as our full, authentic selves with others. It seems that your parents weren't able to hold space for your emotions, but that doesn't mean they are wrong. You have great self-awareness and I can see you are simply needing a safe space to better understand and make sense of your feelings. This can look like seeing a psychologist, going to a support group, journaling, or expressing yourself through doing something creative. These strategies can be helpful when talking about our experiences with others, because it will often mean the emotions aren't as raw and we can think with more clarity, which could open up the space for a more regulated discussion with others - what are your thoughts on this? 

Overall, it sounds like you are working really hard here towards emotional understanding, despite all you have experienced - you should be so proud of your efforts! 

How have you felt since you posted this? Have you noticed any shifts in your thoughts or feelings after some time to process? We would love an update!

Warm regards, 
Sophie M. 

[Yellow-Thorn78]

Hi Sophie.

At a personal and social level, I've been working through making lists to be organized and open times for myself to focus on expression. Before the new year - rather than make a new year's resolution that can see something big in my life - I began to reinforce habits and simple chores that once made me happy like running and soccer as well as new habits like going to art galleries and cooking. Through reflecting on my own experiences, I've come to recognize that I don't trust myself, the people around me and the world around as enough as I should be. Even though people in the past have broken my trust in the past, it doesn't mean I should abandon it. My parents are able to hold space to my emotions to accept me then and now but less when trusting me to express myself effectively, which makes enough sense given that they made me see a conversation support group (I'm still needed to improve when talking) but the people they work with are jerks who offload them with work so they don't trust them either. This also goes into my listening skills, being a bit stiller and quieter for others when they need to speak and reading the room.

I've also had issues when processing people when they pass redundant comments onto myself, themselves or others. Hearing that something or someone is good, bad, selfless, selfish, smart, dumb or a myriad of binary adjectives; while appealing; is less of a healthy way to see the world especially when I extract it from someone who has filtered their thoughts. I've said in the previous chat that my goal is to center myself while trying to a little bit every day. That doesn't mean that I don't value what services like psychologists or support groups (I've had one experience with both) and I'm not saying that I won't need one in the future. 

But expressing myself through doing something creative; I have to work on trusting myself that these activities are good for my own health.