How to help someone who feels ‘violated’

[Herefortheforums]

Hi all

posting here as someone I work with is going through a hard time at the moment and yes I do have feelings for her.
Recently she’s being doing it tough with work and to make things worse, she had her home broken into and they stole her handbag and her car.
Since then, she hasn’t been doing to well and I even sent her flowers to help cheer her up which she appreciated.

i guess the biggest thing I’m looking to know is, how do you comfort someone who wakes up crying in the morning (she isn’t a crier normally) and feels ‘violated’? (Her words)

I like this girl and I’m going to keep doing what feels right, but any help anyone has with helping someone through tough times like this would be greatly appreciated

Thanks

[Sophie_M]

Hi Herefortheforum,

Thank you for reaching out about your concerns and care for your loved one. It is definitely a horrible experience they have been through, and her distress is understandable. But we know it can be hard to watch, and it can leave us feeling powerless.

We need to careful sometimes around the boundary between supporting and 'fixing' and about taking too much on ourselves. When seeking to help someone long-term, we often have to ensure we don't run out of strengh ourselves. 

If you feel you needd more support in providing care, and it is certainly understandbale if you do, please do not hesitate to reach out to us, anytime 24 / 7 - 1300 22 4636; or you can link into the webchat: https://beyondblue.org.au/support-service/chat

Never underestimate, however, the powerful good you are already doing just by being there consistently. 

Stay safe, and stay in touch!

Sophie M.

[Learn to Fly]

Hi Herefortheforums

Thank you for your post. You obviously care deeply about this girl and would like to help her as much as possible. I understand she feels violated after somebody had broken to her house and robbed her. How would you feel about asking her what things would make her feel safer and helping her to make them happen? Also, you can try gently and sensitively ask her how does she feel, what troubles her most etc Probably a setting out of work would be more appropriate.
Offer her support, help and encouragement and just be there for her when she needs you. However, respect her wishes if she would rather not use your help.

[Mark Z.]

Hi Herefortheforums,

The girl is so lucky to have a friend like you!

Sometimes the healing process takes longer time as we imagine, so be more patient. Spend more time with your friend, and be a good listener, it will definitely help.

She needs sense of safety, maybe you can help her with finding out a good solution of a security system for her home.

There might also be a possibility that your friend had some trauma before and the recent event triggered her past trauma. If this is the case it'll be more complex, and you will need to encourage her to seek professional help, e.g. seeing her GP or psychologist.

Again I really admire your kindness to your friend, hopefully she'll be better soon.

Mark

[therising]

Hi Herefortheforums

You sound like such a thoughtful caring person. Your friend is so blessed to have you as a guide and support in her life.

While I can't fully relate to what your friend went through, I can relate to certain aspects of it. For me, I was sitting in my loungeroom one day a few years back when someone tried to break into my home. Fortunately, they were not a violent person and I was able to scare them off. It's what came after that impacted me the most. When the police showed up, dusting for prints and taking my statement, the word that impacted me the most was 'Victim'. I was thoughtfully guided by a wonderful policeman who helped me fill out a 'Victim Statement'. I felt that word, really felt it, the word 'Victim' when he first said it. It kind of hit me in the chest, rose up to my throat and I tried so hard to not let it all come out my eyes while the police were there. Afterwards, I gave myself the freedom to cry. The word victim holds so much power. It can lead you instantly feel 'weak' and 'less than'. I wish they'd change the title to 'Survivor Statement'. I think 'Victim' can help set the tone for how we perceive our self after an event.

While there's an undeniable sense of fear that results from a crime which can be an issue within itself, one of the other factors that plays a part is how we perceive our self beyond being witness to it. Wondering if there are any ways you can think of that will lead your friend to see herself as a strong survivor. As the queen or her castle, could a moat in the form of security cameras be an option? What about a 'security guard' in the form of man's best friend or a woman's best friend in this case? Of course, bit hard if she lives in a flat. Insisting you shop together for a good set of locks for the windows and doors could be another option. Leading her to feel like a fearless queen who protects herself and her castle might help change how she sees herself and her home. Just a thought. Leading her to see the people who broke in as being 'Weak minded and being unable to control their impulses to the point of breaking the law' could be another thing. She is strong minded and they are not.

Does your friend face people at work who are also somewhat weak minded in how they manage, such as not being able to control what they say to her or around her or not having the strength to open their minds to see things from her perspective and therefor manage more consciously?

You're a good friend 🙂

[Earth Girl]

Hello Hearfortheforums,

That's nice of you to want to help this girl when she is going through a very difficult time. Apparently it's really hard to get anything stolen from you even if it's just something like $20, not just because you don't have it any more, but also just the thought that someone would do that to you really hurts.

Maybe you could take her out to a few meals as friends and you could pay for her and just talk to her and be there for her. Her just knowing how much you care will probably make her feel better. You could possibly also ask her if a security system in her house (and outside of her house) would also make her feel more secure in the future because it will probably make it less likely for this to happen again.