How do you not let others negative comments hurt you

[quirkywords]

Hello

i am not sure if anyone can relate. 
I get upset when I feel people are being critical of me but I worry I am over reacting.

people say let it go take a deep breath.

so what do you do when someone is critical.

How do you cope.?

[quirkywords]

Eagle ray I find if I am feeling confident I don’t let negative comments get to me but if low I still find it hard not feel hurt.

[sbella02]

Eagle Ray,

I like what you said about having a stronger sense of self such that negative comments don't get to you as much. That's quite powerful. I like how you've put it:

"So the best way I can explain it is I think when things change energetically within yourself the way others treat you also changes. They sense your boundary and self-worth."

It's the building of this self that seems like the challenging part.

It's also important to remember, as you've said, that sometimes negative comments will hit us harder than other times. 

SB

[smallwolf]

it is easy enough for me to reframe a thought OR ask myself for the evidence to prove the negative.

In the case of one thing that happened last Friday, I could tell myself there is NO WAY I would have done that. And others said the same. But there is also that nagging thought that tells me otherwise. To that extent, it takes time to get over that. And for me ... that is the lump in the throat, sickening feeling in stomach. 

The tools are important and to use ... it also takes time and practice.

and I am still not there

[quirkywords]

Isabella and smallwolf thanks for your comments. 

Small wolf I am still a work in progress.

Tools , time, practice, and an up mood all help. 
nagging thought and sickening feelings I know as well as that lump in the throat that I have been weak again. 

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Quirky, smallwolf and SB

I relate to the nagging thoughts and sickening feelings as well. For me this happens not just with criticism from outside but from my own self-criticism and self-doubt. I did this in my volunteer job last week when I thought a supervisor was unhappy with me when she wasn’t. It was the inner part of me that is already preparing for criticism and judgement when it’s not even there in some cases. I’m projecting from childhood experiences into the present. But at least I eventually realised this and it was a relief to realise I hadn’t done anything wrong and no one was unhappy with me.

If actually criticised, I feel a kind of crushing shame. But my turnaround is faster now in recognising when the criticism is unfounded and it’s not mine to carry. I think the less others see me as a vulnerable target, the less the criticism happens. I think it just takes a bit of time to build up a sense of self that deflects criticism and also discourages it. Constructive criticism can be helpful, but it’s the judgemental kind that’s hard to take.

 I think some of us are just so much more sensitive, but it seems with time and awareness it does get easier and I think you can recover from those uncomfortable thoughts and feelings more quickly.

[white knight]

Hi all,

ER said "If actually criticised, I feel a kind of crushing shame"  what an accurate phrase. I tend to label it like my brain has hot water running through it when I'm criticised, more often when 1/ tact isnt used or 2/ when the criticism isnt justified.

Bare in mind up to 20% of people suffer HSP, Highly Sensitive Person. That might make you feel a little better. 

I'm lucky, as a former warder/security I've developed a hard mask. Last week I was sent to the wrong section in a medical facility. Upon entering the room the lady pathologist, I told her my name and 
I haven't met you yet, I'm Tony, what's your name"? No answer. I sat and she asked for my paperwork. "I dont have any" She then got angry at me. I returned to the waiting room and had a huge meltdown while waiting for another nurse. I quickly decided to return to that abusive nurse and offload my anger leaving with "it costs nothing to be friendly". As Einstein said "every reaction needs a counter reaction to level the playing field.  I then lost it completely and was soothed by two loving souls, a care nurse and a older admin lady. My main thrust of upset that "I could never understand the nastiness of some people."

So I'm lucky, although I suffer from HSP or general over sensitivity I have the ability to counter unjust narcissism from people that think they can abuse or tower above mere mortals. I find sometimes it goes hand in hand with arrogance or dissatisfaction of their job or personal life, whatever the reason people should not be punching bags.

I have no other answer to criticism but when I counter the abuse I dwell on the incident for a few hours not a week or more when I just cop it and say nothing.

TonyWK

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Tony

I’m sure I’m an HSP too. I think you are right, there are times a counter reaction is necessary, sometimes to simply tell the other person to back off. Otherwise you internalise their bad energy in your own nervous system which isn’t healthy.

Sometimes the first few times it comes out a bit wildly when we are still learning to express this part of ourselves. But with practice I think it can come out firmly, calmly and more easily. I’m so glad you had those nice, supportive people after the incident you described. It makes such a difference doesn’t it. Thank goodness for the nice people in this world.

Shortly after my mother’s death I had someone really aggressively attack me, judging and criticising me. I ended up collapsing in shock on the side of the road at night unable to breathe as they continued to rant. I needed to scream “back off” but was totally frozen.

A year and a half later I processed this successfully with my current psychologist, enacting what I needed to do and say at the time to protect myself. It really worked, especially when she got me to repeat it in slow motion. This helps rewire how the memory has encoded. The abuser turned into a weak, transparent hologram in my minds eye, then dissolved, leaving me in a quiet and peaceful evening with the trauma neutralised in memory.

So I agree - we need to counter unjust, narcissistic behaviour.

[white knight]

Hi ER, thankyou

To help Quirky and others reading, by far one of the most impacting changes I've made was to introduce a friends idea- ask questions, because by doing do it places the poor behaviour back to the narcissist or bully. Eg

• Why are you yelling?
• Are you trying to dominate me?
• Do you want to win 100% of are you willing to negotiate?
• Grown adult talk and discuss so why cant we? Do you want to talk over a cuppa?

Then there is the follow up question-

• Why are you yelling?  "negative answer eg I can yell if I want"  "you are free to keep yelling as I'm free to leave if you do, so why yell"
• Are you trying to dominate me? "of course not"  "it appears that way, well if not then lets sit and talk"
• Do you want to win 100% of are you willing to negotiate? "its not a matter of winning"  oh, ok lets negotiate, we'll put the kettle on"
• Grown adults talk and discuss so why cant we? Do you want to talk over a cuppa?  "I'm angry because..."  we can be angry and talk softer and quieter cant we"

Making them answer for their abrasiveness is actually making them look foolish. This can make them feel guilty like the nurse that was rude to me "friendliness costs nothing". In the future she might apologise if kind or not if otherwise. Either way I placed the attitude back on her... I minimalised her effect on me... I didnt let her get away with it, but was measured, eg short to the point and firm.

TonyWK

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you Tony. Those are some good phrases. In the past I’ve tended to go into a kind of shock or stunned silence at such behaviours, especially very out-of-control ones, but I think it eventually becomes possible to respond firmly and clearly. Yes, it’s putting the responsibility back on them for their behaviour and then it’s up to them to be an adult and take responsibility or not, but you’re not carrying that behaviour in your emotional body, so to speak. It’s for them to carry, own and deal with.

 I hope you, Quirky and everyone are having a good Sunday.

[quirkywords]

Thanks for all your supportive posts.
Tony I find when I ask questions or point out shouting or swearing it often  gets a very aggressive answer that escalates  the situation, So I just leave the conflict