How do you not let others negative comments hurt you

[quirkywords]

Hello

i am not sure if anyone can relate. 
I get upset when I feel people are being critical of me but I worry I am over reacting.

people say let it go take a deep breath.

so what do you do when someone is critical.

How do you cope.?

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Quirky

I can very much relate as I’m sensitive in that way too. I’m starting to handle it a bit more easily though. For me I think the sensitivity comes from a lot of criticism in childhood that made me hyper aware of criticism. What seems to help now is:

- Recognising when the criticism is unfounded and judgmental. I nurture my inner child and reassure her she hasn’t done anything wrong and the criticism is a reflection of an issue in the other person.

- If I am able, let them know politely straight away that their judgement is incorrect. Still working on this one, but I find if I can do it, it quickly nips the other person’s tendency to criticise in the bud. It’s like I’ve defended my boundary which I think you can do in a polite, straightforward way.

- Having compassion for the other person. I’ve realised some people judge and criticise to make themselves feel bigger and they are struggling with their own insecurities. The compassion takes the sting out of their criticism. I find it can then be possible to steer the conversation in a positive direction, letting go of their criticism and focusing on something positive and connecting.

- Realising when it’s really not personal and the other person might be genuinely trying to be helpful. Other times they’ve just had a bad day or are overtired, so their words come out a bit harsh but they’re not really meaning to be critical.

Those are just some ideas. I mentioned this on another thread, but there’s a scene in the movie Rocketman about Elton John where he finally defends himself against others’ criticism. If you google “Rocketman When Are You Going to Hug Me?” you should find the YouTube clip, in case that helps. His child self speaks to him at the end and he gives him a hug.

[sbella02]

Quirky, this really resonates with me. I'd like to follow this post to see what others have to say, because this is something that I seem to struggle with as well.

For me, it depends on what mood I'm in. If I'm in a really good mood, comments don't necessarily bother me. But if I'm already struggling or having a bad day, criticism can really get to me.

Eagle Ray has some beautiful suggestions. Keen to see what others say, too.

SB

[quirkywords]

Eagleray

thanks do much for your helpful suggestions. 
I do try to work out if something is nit critical but helpful but I try it hard. I have told other people to get another opinion,  the reaction is usually I am too sensitive but I don’t think I can change that. 

I also try to think that the comment is more about the other person and not me. 

I need to work on nurturing my inner child. 

i have seen rocketman and know that clip in fact the whole movie is about Elton accepting himself when he is surrounded by criticism. 

i don’t think I would be able to to tell the person how their comment affected me but I have written it down and that helps. 

thanks 

[quirkywords]

Sbella I agree about moods. When high I would attack the person and then regret it which is now why I can  not say anything at the time  as I worry may offend. 

When low it made my own self loathing worse.

Now I find I still am sensitive which I accept but I feel I need to distinguish helpful comments from unhelpful.

• I too want to hear others ideas of how they cope. 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Quirky and SB

I agree that when we are vulnerable, that is when it is hardest to deal with criticism.

 I can lose my voice when the person is in a more powerful position to me. I would love to hear more ideas too.

[quirkywords]

I find it hard when family are thes being critical but saying that it is truth. I know they love me but having loved ones complaining about many things can be exhausting. I can’t respond or I am told I am defensive and in denial. 

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Quirky

I’ve had this issue too. It can feel distressing when family judge us in a way that we know isn’t true. I’m learning that once you are more secure in your own sense of worth, it’s easier to not take on others’ judgments. It’s like you have your own sense of inner calm that repels the judgement. When you have that greater peace in yourself I think others say judgemental things less often, because they sense a kind of inner, calm strength in you.

 I have felt very vulnerable throughout my life and unfortunately others with tendencies to judge and criticise seem to gravitate to that, like it satisfies their urge to find fault with someone who becomes a target because they seem vulnerable and less likely to fight back. I think these processes often happen at least partially subconsciously and are often quite habitual. Even those who love us can get into this habitual pattern of criticism.

 I had a phone call recently from a relative I’ve been finding very critical and challenging. However, I’ve recently developed a stronger sense of self and thought she can’t get to me this time because I’m calm and coming from a place of good, secure energy within myself. For the first time in a long time she wasn’t aggressive or critical at all. If she was to say anything critical I was ready to calmly counter it, but it didn’t get to that.

So the best way I can explain it is I think when things change energetically within yourself the way others treat you also changes. They sense your boundary and self-worth.

I’m not saying this is easy and I still fall back into my vulnerable self, but with practice over time I think you can consolidate a new inner balance that helps repel and even prevent judgemental criticism.

 I hope that helps a bit. It’s knowing you are a worthy human being which you most definitely are Quirky and you can be proud of that.

[quirkywords]

Eagle ray  if find your posts are helpful. You have suggestions which are useful.

I find if I tell myself the critical comments are not for me but people who say them have their own problems they the project on me.

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you Quirky. It's taken me a long time to be able to not automatically internalise other people's projections, and those from family are often the ones that hurt a lot, but I'm gradually getting there at recognising it isn't about me, and really glad you are too.