Honesty vs Transparency

[CMF]

Hi all

Honesty & transparency.

Same, same...but different.

In my opinion honesty is not telling a lie but transparency is not holding back info. Holding back info is not really lying but it can cause issues. Can you see the difference.

Example. My partner & his family wanted us to all see a movie. He said plans were for all of us but the time didn't suit me. They ended up going...without me. No discussion, they just changed the plan.

There was honesty about going to the movie. I knew they were going without me, but there was not transparency. They had plans a while back to see it together which probably didn't include me as my partner assumed I wouldn't like. He really wanted to see it with his family but tried to include me & it backfired.

He was honest about seeing the movie but not transparent in what the really wanted to do. Including me, then excluding me without explanation was hurtful for me.

What are your thoughts? Do you see the difference with honesty vs transparency?

Cmf

[white knight]

Hi CMF

to me if I have any suspicion there could be dishonesty involved in z person then in my mind I don't assume it until that dishonesty is 100% proven. Until then, I could assume lack of communication or forgetfulness, even lack of respect or regard. Dishonesty is a huge allegation in a relationship hence my hesitation.

Transparency would depend on intent. Is lack thereof due to intent to deceive? To be cunning? To have a final outcome? Eg was lack of transparency used with the intention to attend the movie without you for his own preference to enjoy the movie without as he knew you wouldn't enjoy it, or that he didn't want your company or forgetfulness?

Such a dilemma needs further prying to come to a conclusion. The core of the problem needs to be exposed.

TonyWK

[CMF]

Another example. My partner's friend lives with his gf. She has trust issues, he has an ex wife who likes to stir up trouble & with whom he has a 10yo daughter. As his ex likes to stir the pot he limits how much his gf is exposed to her as she gets very upset. He planned a romantic evening out last weekend as his daughter was with his ex. On Monday night the ex sent him a message saying she'd drop off their daughter Saturday night. He decided to make other arrangements for someone to look after his daughter & not tell his gf about the message so as not to upset her. Unbeknownst to him his gf saw the message on their ipad, a shared device. She also said nothing. Thursday night, he told his gf someone else was looking after his daughter as his ex messaged to say she was dropping her off Saturday, the night of the dinner. Gf asked when he got that message.  Not wanting to stir up trouble between his ex & his gf he told her he got the message that day.  Well, the crap hit the fan & she asked what else he hides from her.  He explained why he didn't tell her Monday ( he is a very decent & loyal guy)that he wanted to make other arrangements for his daughter & not ruin their night.  His gf can't move past the white lie. On the other hand, she saw the message but didn't tell him straight away. 

So his little slip up, to  protect his gf has caused alot of tension. The dinner was cancelled, they spent the weekend not seeing much of each other & she now doesn't trust him.

Is covering something so as to avoid upsetting someone you love acceptable?

Thoughts?

Cmf