FAQ

Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

Do You Like Yourself? Your Thoughts are Welcome!

blondguy
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Everybody and new posters especially:-)

I have had anxiety since 1983 and depression from 1997. There is always someone that says 'You have to Love Yourself' before recovery. When people are suffering from anxiety/depression this may be the last 'advice' they really need. This is only my experience when I am 'advised to love myself' to rebuild my life. I have heard the following from people that cant 'love themselves' which is fair enough as I am a person that cant either. Your thoughts will help me and others learn from your point of view. I can only be 'gentle' to myself to heal...not love.

  • Why should I love myself if I dont in the first place?
  • I am in a dark place, how can I love myself?
  • I dont deserve to love myself
  • I am depressed...How can I love myself?
  • I have mega anxiety attacks..what is there to love about myself?
  • I hate myself and what I stand for...why should I?
  • I love my partner more...I will care about myself 'later'

When people have depression/anxiety/denial they dont need to be counseled with ' love yourself'. Thats a huge ask.

I dont need to climb Mt Everest by trying to love myself when I cant. It can be an unrealistic and even silly target to achieve having depression

I just prefer to be 'gentle' to myself. Same results and way less stress 🙂 Your thoughts/opinions are more than welcome

Thankyou so much

Paul

3,981 Replies 3,981

Hi Christina, thankyou for your reply. I always read what you have to post and am a great admirer of you. I love what you wrote and if I can quote you "I guess to really fully love myself would mean accepting myself"

You are spot on and I may get criticized for this but I dont accept myself very well so in the meantime I will be 'gentle' to myself as I dont really like my own thoughts or level of self worth. Thankyou again for your reply 🙂

Paulx

james1
Community Champion
Community Champion
Hi Paul,

I really like your post! I feel like every time I talk to my friends, nobody gets it! It's like they're trying to help and I know they're trying, but it's just not something they can empathise with. In the end I just get so fed up that I stop telling them, or I tell them to just listen because I'm not looking for comfort, just an ear.

Here are my thoughts:
- I don't love myself. I don't even know what that would feel like so it just seems like a hard thing to do, especially when sometimes I just feel so terrible about myself.
- I don't want to be told to love myself either, as if that was the only way a normal human being could function. It makes me feel even more wrong, and that's not a nice feeling.
- I take comfort in knowing that I love other people and some people love me. And in many ways, that's enough to ease my mind.
- I sometimes feel confident in myself, but I wouldn't call it love.
- Maybe the last two are steps in the direction of loving myself? I don't know, but if it comes it comes and if it doesn't, well, that doesn't bother me either.

James

Hey James1......Thankyou for you post! You have helped me by letting me know that I am not the only person on the block with my thinking 🙂

We have spoken before and even though I not an expert, you have lot offer on the forums. You just made my day!

Your input is a bonus and a help to many others on the forums. I hope you have the time to keep posting with your experience and views where you are comfortable

My kind thoughts James

Paul

Thank you Blond Guy for the thread, and thanks Mary for the pointer.

I've been told that "you have to love yourself first" BS many times over the years.If I have to find a way to love myself before I have any chance of being loved then I'm sunk already. I get that it is wrong, but my self esteem has been directly linked to how loved and wanted I have felt, so it has never been high.

My current therapist is the first to put it as a long term goal with a plan to get there. I'm trying to be nicer to myself as a first step, and moderate my inner voice. We have inventoried my good points, and debated if a few are good or not. I count being emotional as a negative and she counts it as a positive. I think I heard Mary chuckle. Anyway as the exercises go on, the plan is to eventually get to self love. That is the theory, still skeptical. And yes, not happy about the "eventually" bit. Still hoping for the instant pill.

And hi to Christina, yes if I felt better about myself I would take better care of myself, as high maintenance as I am and as much work as I need. But I have been giving more of me to me, as unnatural as that feels.

I know everyone is different, but a few strategies rather than an impossible goal statement would be good.

IMHO.

Hi IMHO, Paul here...a belated thankyou for your reply 🙂 I usually try to respond to every reply but I missed yours. I just want to quote you on a great point you made....."I've been told that "you have to love yourself first" BS many times over the years"

You are a smart and quick Queensland mouse...:-)

Your compliment is more than welcome and it means a lot..

My Best

Paul

Starwolf
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi everybody and thanks Paul for another interesting thread.

Loving myself has been an impossibility. I was considered a failure from the word go. How can an unwanted child or one who is not what parents expect her to be love herself ?

My life would make your average rodeo bull/bronc ride feel like a walk in the park. Some of it was totally out of my control, some of it was caused by my inclination to reproduce the only pattern I knew. I think that self love is linked to self forgiveness. It took years to realize that expecting to win a game with a lousy hand is unrealistic. That my perceived inadequacy at handling people and situations was firmly grounded in this negative past. How can a building withstand raging elements when its foundations are set in shifting sand ?

It is only by putting stubbornness, defiance, anger and rebelliousness to a positive use -for a change- that this self-hatred gradually gave way. A change of attitude, viewing things from a different perspective turned them around. Seeing oneself as wounded instead of flawed allows healing to begin.

So do I love myself now ? No, but I have stopped hating myself. I can understand that my past stuff ups and other people's stuff ups have caused problems and left scars. I can give myself credit for resolving what I could and accept what I couldn't fix (but kept trying). I have learned a lot along the way, trod where few have the opportunity to go, so I am grateful for the ride...and pleased with myself that I survived it against the odds.

Not loving oneself has a great advantage : it leaves room for improvement. Whatever our personality and circumstances, I believe that learning is Life's purpose and that we all are works in progress till the end of our allotted time.

Murrigirl
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Paul, Thank you for your post. I smiled often when I read it and thought OMG - I have this very conversation in my head over and over. I too find it hard to love myself. Not because I am not a nice person, but because I got to the point that nothing mattered because of my depression and anxiety. I don't understand the demons in my head sometimes, and I find myself unlovable even to myself. HOWEVER, and it is a big however Paul, I have learnt this also: If I can't love myself, I can do the next best thing which is to look after myself. Even if that is to get up in the morning, shower and dress neatly and tidy. My mother (rest her soul) often said - no matter what house you live in, whether there are cracks in the wall, or missing windows (so my life) there is no reason or excuse not to keep the house clean, tidy and functioning. So I started doing the next best thing. If I cant love the person in the mirror, the next best thing I can do is make the person I don't love (me) look like she hasn't crawled out from under the bridge. I learnt that "OK I have difficulty loving me, but hey, I do love the way I do this......."so I did more of the things I did love. As silly as some things were such as I love the way I cook eggs, I love the way I can braid my daughters hair etc. I just did them over and over. Then I found, I found more things I loved. Eventually I stopped looking in the mirror with self loathing, I looked in the mirror acknowledging "yes I don't love you much but heck you cook eggs so well, so even though I don't love you, I have to like you a little bit - because those eggs are great" Paul the self loathing does get less if you can find even one thing that you can say you are proud of or love. I still suffer very badly from depression and anxiety. I still have days where I can not go to work and can not get out of my bed even, but I have stopped lying in that bed thinking I am worthless and unlovable, because OMG do I ever cook great eggs. Keep smiling

Dear Murrigirl

Thank you so much for your post. It is very hard to recognise you love yourself, particularly when you are in the pits and depression is tearing your soul. I'm just like everyone else here. I don't like myself and at times cannot look in the mirror, but there has to be a spark of love otherwise I would not carry on with my life.

Giving yourself reasons to like yourself or admitting you can do some things fantastically is a great way to start. And it lets you look at other people with the same eyes. What can they do which is wonderful.

I still firmly believe we cannot love others unless we love ourselves. It seems to me that the definition of love is the problem. If I want to help someone in some way it's because I care for that person. Love isn't just the feeling you have for your family. It's the love you have for everyone and that includes yourself. We need to be reminded of our love and not see it as having tickets on ourselves.

Mary

Hi Starwolf, thanks for your reply. Wisdom at its finest...I loved this....."Not loving oneself has a great advantage : it leaves room for improvement" I am like yourself...I stopped hating myself as well...keeps it simple...Paulx

Hello Murrigirl, thanks for your reply 🙂 You are an inspiration. I love the way you have dealt with self care. I love what you said "but I have stopped lying in that bed thinking I am worthless and unlovable, because OMG do I ever cook great eggs" Your reply speaks volumes where experience is concerned. Great to read your post! Paulx