Hi everybody and thanks Paul for another interesting thread.
Loving myself has been an impossibility. I was considered a failure from the word go. How can an unwanted child or one who is not what parents expect her to be love herself ?
My life would make your average rodeo bull/bronc ride feel like a walk in the park. Some of it was totally out of my control, some of it was caused by my inclination to reproduce the only pattern I knew. I think that self love is linked to self forgiveness. It took years to realize that expecting to win a game with a lousy hand is unrealistic. That my perceived inadequacy at handling people and situations was firmly grounded in this negative past. How can a building withstand raging elements when its foundations are set in shifting sand ?
It is only by putting stubbornness, defiance, anger and rebelliousness to a positive use -for a change- that this self-hatred gradually gave way. A change of attitude, viewing things from a different perspective turned them around. Seeing oneself as wounded instead of flawed allows healing to begin.
So do I love myself now ? No, but I have stopped hating myself. I can understand that my past stuff ups and other people's stuff ups have caused problems and left scars. I can give myself credit for resolving what I could and accept what I couldn't fix (but kept trying). I have learned a lot along the way, trod where few have the opportunity to go, so I am grateful for the ride...and pleased with myself that I survived it against the odds.
Not loving oneself has a great advantage : it leaves room for improvement. Whatever our personality and circumstances, I believe that learning is Life's purpose and that we all are works in progress till the end of our allotted time.
