Desperate to find me

[MissMyselfTheMost]

Hi,

i just don’t know where to start

I’m 28, a mum of two (one 4yo one 2yo) and have a partner whom I wish to spend the rest of my life with

but I’m so sure that it’s not going to very fairytale like

for three years now I have been trying to get a job, I apply to a minimum of 25jobs a week my confidence is shot

my glasses are broken (missing an arm) and I can’t afford to fix them (no not even off the cheap shelves in spec savers) hubby to be and I sleep on a mattress on the floor have my sisters old broken couch my Nan’s 30od year old fridge and freezer my washing machine is on its last legs, my debt left from before I hadn’t a job are about 7000 not including the 16,000 I need to pay my partners parents back for paying off my car to stop it being collected for debt and I cant pay them, our diet is bad we have spaghetti, chicken tonight or curried sausages with rice or pasta for dinner never anything else unless someone’s treating us

cereal for the kids for breakfast sandwiches for lunch and some fruit for kids that’s all we can afford

i left my job of 7years because of how miserable it made me and I thought getting a new job was the best idea little did I know the new job would let me go just before my probation was up

I’m miserable I used to be organised, outgoing, fit

now I just binge watch shows, shower every few days, I never want people to come over because I can’t keep on top of the house (I get my brother in-law to be to do the dishes & washing every day as he lives with us rent free because he’s 21 and also struggling to find employment)

Not that anyone would come over except family or my one friend

i bearly want to get out of bed and do stuff with my kids I used to be so on top of taking them out and teaching new things nowadays their dad and uncle are parenting them they’re always so messy always arguing and NEVER listen discipline doesn’t work!!

and it just breaks me down everyday to the point I scream or cry.

I’m also angry all the time like he smallest of things sends me into a rage I have to lock myself in my room and I don’t talk to anyone until I calm down which some days I don’t.

I don’t know how to talk to the mums at school without feeling like they want me to shut up and go away or feeling like I’m trying to hard to fit in or something

I can’t lose weight because the fruit and veggies alone will blow our budget let alone being to lazy and scared to exercise

how do I find myself again and get rid of this messy monster I’ve become!?

[Jackson85]

Hi MissMyselfTheMost,

It sounds like things are really tough. Having all of this financial stress with two little ones at home must be exhausting and scary. Firstly, it's great you decided to post on here, that's a bigger deal than many realise. It's a really brave step in the direction of progress, and you are by no means alone, there are thousands of people on BeyondBlue alone posting about struggles just like this. So try to take a moment to just be proud of yourself, because it's not easy sharing your story, or reaching out for help, but it's certainly a great step and it shows that you want things to get better 🙂

It's difficult for me to suggest solutions to financial problems, but are there any centrelink benefits you might be elegible for? If you're looking for work you might be able to get some kind of unemployment benefit which could help things tick over until you figure something out?

Sometimes these problems can seem unsolvable, but it's good to try to take some time to think about the things in your life which are positive. Firstly, you clearly have great writing skills, and seem quite intelligent to me just from reading your post. You also mention that you want to spend your life with your partner, which is great; there is always hope when you are in it together! I don't mean to say everything is fine, but it can be easy to only see what's going wrong in our lives, and it can all seem to fall in on us, but often there are good things holding those bad things at bay, we just need to remember to see them, to keep us going until we find ways to get through the problems.

Hang in there and thanks for posting,

Jackson85