Coping with tyrants

[white knight]

"What is a tyrant person?

1 : a ruler who has no legal limits on his or her power. 2 : a ruler who exercises total power harshly and cruelly. 3 : a person who uses authority or power harshly My boss is a real tyrant

A "ruler". Overuse of power in a harsh manner. Unlike characteristics ingrown from DNA, tyrannical nature is changeable be it by maturity or learning that being a tyrant gets you into trouble. A tyrant parent might lose their child's love if overly harsh dictatorship/control doesn't wain for example.

Tyrants are in every profession and we only know of one with contact or prior warning. Commonly we get surprised when we identify one and are subjected to their methods of control. How do we react?

If you're like me in my youth you'd be submissive, obey, followed by anger at why you allowed it to continue without any defensive recoil.

I had a work colleague, we were both prison warders 4 decades ago. He was tyrannical to prisoners when normal communication was sufficient. We were friends also but I soon learned that his domineering ways extended to his wife and later- to me. I concluded this was more satisfying to him and far easier than treating others as equals. This disrespect was summed up with him often saying "what would they know"? Yes, arrogance plays a role in the tyrant.

So, what is one's options when confronted?

• Continuation of submissiveness
• Defend with calm but equal force
• Reject and abandon

Reject was an issue for me because if I didn't converse with pointing out his unacceptable bossiness then I'd be left with guilt and he would continue his behaviour. I found that option 2, defend calmly then give him an opportunity to change was the better choice knowing all along change was highly unlikely.

Sadly, to obtain peace in your life our separation from tyrannical behaviour is essential. We cannot change the world, we are not responsible for others behaviour but we are responsible for our own mental well being and freedom from domination. Protect yourself, exercise your right to defend but not mimic the tone of the tyrant. Bid the tyrant farewell and wish them luck for being humble is good.

Eliminating tyrants imo is good. Social media is full of them. Use "block" when required.

How have you coped with a tyrant? What methods do you recommend?

TonyWK

[Eagle Ray]

Hi White Knight,

You raise important questions about how to handle tyrannical behaviour. I’ve been particularly impacted by such behaviour by a tyrannical person in my personal life, and to a lesser extent by someone I worked with.

Like you, my younger self would tend to be submissive and then feel angry afterwards. I think this is a natural response to sudden attacks of controlling and highly aggressive behaviour, and it’s natural to recoil and kind of self-protect.

The other two options you mention might be useful depending on the circumstances. I tend to think that defending with calm but equal force is probably the most empowering option, but as you say is unlikely to change how the other person operates, but what you have done is set your boundaries and the inner strength you feel from that is helpful to you personally, even if the other person doesn’t change.

However, the third option, reject and abandon, is sometimes necessary as a self-preservation measure. I had to do this with the tyrant in my personal life as I could not deal with any more toxic abuse at an extremely vulnerable time in my life. If I crossed paths with her now, I think I’d have the strength to respond with calm and equal force, but for the sake of maintaining a peaceful life I choose to not be around her.

I saw the above person, when challenged by someone else, yell at the top of her voice, stomp her feet aggressively and storm off into another room. Basically the behaviour of a small child throwing a tantrum (she is in her 50s).

So what I’ve learned is tyrants are:

- extremely emotionally immature

- have an extreme need to control and dominate others based on an internal lack of control in themselves that they cannot manage

- lack empathy and interpersonal awareness

- are highly intolerant and judgmental with little to no patience

- hate sharing or doing anything that’s not serving their ego

- are not open to friendly conversation and relating with others and are averse to people who are gentle, kind and sensitive (something they view as a weakness)

The best strategy I can think of is maintaining a strong sense of your inner worth and strength as a person. This might make them back off a little when they sense this about you. The fact they are bullies shows they are actually weak and insecure.

So being a calm, strong, wise, mature and emotionally intelligent person is like an antidote to their behaviour. It may not change them, but it might help setting boundaries with them.

[white knight]

Hi Eagle Ray

Thankyou. You made so many relevant points.

I do agree as I've had a female in my life, my mother, that had treated me like this. In fact her behaviour never made any sense until a friend advised me to google

Queen witch hermit waif

Then it all came together

• The Queen owns you like another arm. You are unwise to be alone with her due to manipulation
• The eitch if crossed eill pursue you to t he red of the earth to "win"
• The hermit has fear of abandonment which has ramifications even physical and emotional violence
• The waif feeds others to effect her own ends, gets others to do her/his dirty work

What is harder having a tyrannical parent is for that parent in addition, to have the quality of nurturing. The swing from nurture to tyrant is always unexpected and traumatic.

So eventually I rejected my mother 12 years ago. She's 90yo now but there is zero chance ill see her again such is the risk of permanent damage to my mental health. So there's the need for self protection.

That inner worth as a person of which you speak is allowed to flourish even if that takes a long time.

TonyWK

[Eagle Ray]

Hi TonyWK,

Thank you, I just looked up queen witch hermit waif and it’s interesting and I can definitely relate to some of it.

I’m so sorry you had those experiences with your mother. There is nothing harder than that confusing switch between nurturer and tyrant. It is profoundly distressing, especially when you’re a child. I understand you discontinuing contact to protect your own well-being.

My mum had the same experience with her mum. She described her mum as having a Jekyll and Hyde personality. She never quite new when the next random abusive attack would come from her mum and those attacks could be physical or emotional. As an adult she moved to a different state to get away from her.

But to some extent my mum repeated the same behaviours with me. I could suddenly come under attack for no reason. But because my mum had a really gentle and sensitive side, and because I understood she had trauma from her mother, I continued a relationship with her until she died because there was always hope with her that she could at least partially heal, grow and change.

The person I mentioned above being a tyrant in my life is an in-law, and I know there is no hope there. It is the safest, wisest thing I can do to stay away from her. There is no sensitivity towards others and an extreme need to control and aggressively dominate everyone and everything every minute of the day. She reminds me of the Queen, my grandmother reminds me of the Witch and my own mum reminds me of the Waif. But my own mum tried so hard to overcome her struggles and those efforts made it possible to still have a relationship with her, even though it was rocky and difficult at times.

I really like what you say about inner wisdom being able to flourish even if it takes a long time. Yes, we can definitely get there, even with all that’s happened to us. I think you gradually come to a point of calm acceptance of what’s happened in your life and you have the insights to move forward in a way that nurtures yourself and begins to repair and heal the damage done from the past.

Your post led me to look up how to deal with a tyrant and I found an article called Tyranny: Abusing Power on a website called Emotional Competency. It seemed quite wise and balanced and looked at tyranny in all its different forms and ways of dealing with it.

Thanks for posting on this topic because it’s something I’ve struggled to know how to deal with and it’s helped to discuss and look into it.