Beyond the Blue Horizon

[amd1953]

I sense that I am approaching the blue horizon.   Even so, it retreats further away from me as if trying to conceal something important from me.   What is there to hide that is worth so much subterfuge?   What is it I need to know in this final stage of life?   Who knows?   Who cares?   Well, I certainly do.   I want to understand everything that comes my way whether it is meant for me or not.   Life is short enough without the sensation of feeling cheated and deceived.   The challenge is to discover how to cut through the nonsense that cloaks its true meaning.   If I were a camel, I would feel at home in the desert.   If I were a dromedary, I would, indeed, feel cheated.   See Wikipedia for camels/dromedaries.   Spoiler alert!   A dromedary only has one hump.   If I were searching for a new home, I would look to the exoplanets.   Cosmologically speaking, a much better place to permanently reside.   The moon would be much too close for comfort.   I am thinking another galaxy would be great.   Certainly within a short drive to the restaurant at the end of the universe for tea and crumpets.   Like Albert Camus, I am a rebel without a cause.   I choose the absurdist rather than the existentialist philosophy.   Everything in this life is engineered towards those with skills, talent and the will to succeed.   I have now lost sight of the blue horizon.   I am in freefall back to earth where I will lie quietly in the lush meadows and star at the blue sky.

amd1953

[Croix]

Dear Amd1953~

Any thinking person has demons inside and they can indeed rule your life, particularly now you are retired and don't have the same chunks of your day taken up with working.

At the start of this thread it became obvious you were well read and were familiar with the absurd movement (including camels), and here you mentioned an urge to write. Would it be possible to combine the two and write something from your expereinces, perhaps along the lines of Sartre and Beckett? A short story, a play, a poem - dealers choice.

Mind you, something well crafted can be a source of satisfaction, even if you are the only one to see it. (Someone should have told Leonardo that as he spent a large portion of his life fiddling with La Giocondo)

If you look on the web there are plenty of sites to place any writing. If poetry you can continue it here in the Forum.

Croix

[amd1953]

One of the worst places to have to deal with people is as a driver on the roads today.   As cars grew gradually faster, there are people who want to drive faster.   Speed limits were introduced to curb the boy or girl racer attitude.   There is very little consideration for other drivers on the roads these days.   There is always someone who wants to go faster than anyone else and to get where they want to go quicker.   They are not interested in road manners or adhering to the speed limit.   They just see the open road and go for it.   They also tailgate and cut in without inhibition.   I only drive my car when I absolutely have no other choice.   Every time I venture out on to the roads, something negative happens to me.   It is truly remarkable.   I have heard it said that when a person gets behind the wheel of a car, it changes their attitude completely.   They either want to prove to everyone else that they have a faster car than you or are a better driver than you.   Willing to break the speed limit just for fun or because of bravado.

If I could get away with it, I would sell my car, hand back my driver's licence and never drive again.   But I don't have that option.   I don't live close to certain amenities, so I have to drive myself there to use them.

Not a very interesting subject but there you go.   I find it annoying and completely disrespectful.   I hear everyone else saying tough!   🙂   People will always be the same, no matter what.   

amd1953

[Croix]

Dear Amd1953~

Well, I remember some years ago on a country road I saw an echidna trundling across the road, he's made it over the opposite direction lane and was on my side so I stopped, put my hazard lights on and tried to hurry him up, which was a bit painful, those spines were sharp and he could dig in, even in the roadbed.

Eventually I got him on the verge and off into a paddock, however it took a little time.

It was interesting as it gave me a snapshot of motorist's attitudes, they could see what I was doing. half swore and blew their horn as they passed my stationary car, half slowed down and said 'Goodonyer mate'.

I guess you have been unfortunate in having been forced in contact with that first group too often.

Croix

[amd1953]

In the most part, I've always had to solve my own problems in my own way.   There has never been a lifeline for me, and I've been fully aware that I am on my own.   Instead of getting that sinking feeling, I've known instinctively that I am going to beat whatever it is that stands in my way of being happy and feeling stronger than I have ever done before.   It's not only knowing that you have no friends who are willing to support you, but also the plain and simple fact that you don't need them anyway.   This is how the strength is forged inside you and not being reliant to have people always come to your aid is self-empowering.   In some of my darkest times, I felt that the whole world hated me with a passion.   Every time something bad happened to me, I heard them cheering and applauding.   You can ask for help, but when it comes to the crunch, you have to make decisions on your own that directly affect your life.   It is like the old cowboy movies where the Indians are circling the wagons, but nobody knows when or even if the cavalry is going to arrive to save the day.   Life is so constructed that the only person you can trust with all of your heart is yourself.   This has always been a universal truth.   

amd1953

[amd1953]

Filling out the recent 2026 Census Form, I inevitably arrived at the section named "Martial Status".   As I worked my way down the list, I wished that I could have ticked "Never Married".   Oh, how I wish that I could have done that truthfully.   As it was, I ticked Divorced although I like to think of myself as "Single".

Anyway, it doesn't really matter to anyone else on this planet, except me.   I was not only married once for all of the wrong reasons, but I also put myself through it all again six years afterwards.   So, I was double whammied.   Two divorces in one lifetime.   Two completely different marriages but neither of which I should have bothered with.   The amazing thing with the benefit of hindsight was that not once did I consider that either of them would fail.   Having learned a few things with the first marriage, I felt suitably qualified to ensure that nothing bad happened with the second.   Well, I still had a way to go with the learning process.   To this day, I ask myself how I managed to live through either of them.   The answer always comes back that I had no idea of what I was doing.   I just thought that falling in love was the key to everything, but it wasn't.   It showed me how ill-prepared I was for life let alone marrying another human being.   Plus, I had this romantic notion of love and romance which didn't get off the ground with who I was married to.   Would I get married again?   Absolutely not.   Human relationships are out of my reach on any scale.  Would I caution anyone else against marriage?   Absolutely not because I know that everyone is different and someone else might be born to be married but not me.   I'm not built to sacrifice everything I have and then find out that I'm not considered good enough.   Not worthy of being a husband and not worthy of being loved.   But at this stage of my life, I have found the passage of time to be a great healer.

I don't need anyone to complete me because I am already complete and unique as a human being.   I value my freedom and my sanity more than any kind of relationship.

amd1953

[amd1953]

1.

[Psychdiaries2]

Hey,

I'm not sure if you hit send without realising lol but I would love to hear your ten life lessons, I'm sure there's something we can take from it!

Hear from you soon,

PsychDiaries

[mmMekitty]

Hello amd1953

Is this "1." all you intended there to be?

Or maybe, do you invite members to write their own 10 Life Lessons?

If so, I have to think some about it. Maybe that's one of the Life Lessons: to take some time to think before answering questions. To maybe even think I don't need to answer that question. It's about knowing I can choose.

Well, I choose to have a crack:

I have to & want to look after myself. Firstly, I cannot garantee anyone else will really, actually look after me. Secondly, I don't want to hand over control of how I live & what happens in my life to others.

Next, I've had to learn about what boundaries are & that I may set my own boundaries according to my own needs & desires. Then I had to learn to let others know I have boundaries they are not to cross. That's harder to do.

A lesson I learned a couple decades ago, was that I don't have to keep secrets which are NOT MY secrets to keep. No-one has the right to impose their will over me, to keep me silent & to enable them or anyone else to imagine my complicity in keeping THEIR secrets.

I wish I'd learned that one a couple decades earlier

- & so, the next lesson is not to bother with wishes. they are a holdover from my early childhood. Besides, to paraphrase someone  whose name I cannot recall, "Wish in one hand & poop in the other & see which fills up first".  It's more inkeeping with my 'no religion' status anyway, because I feel about the same way about prayers.

& another thing I took to heart when I was young is to never get into debt, & today I am not. Just one hire purchase to mar my no debt record, & that was a little over 4 decades ago.

I've had to learn about my own feelings, to accept them without judgement. They are what they are & will pass. I'd like to hang onto some nice feelings, but they too, pass.

More recently, I have learned the importance of not being so self-conscious that I don't enjoy having a meal in public, getting up to dance in whatever way I feel, to being seen getting exercise, (wearing tights, too) & swimming (also wearing appropriate clothes). I will still feel uncomfortable undressing for medical examinations or for the procedures I'm having done soon. But, because it's in my own best interest to have these procedures, I will comply.

I can't really put these in any specific order. You can think of this as a flexible & undoubtedly incomplete list.

Hugzies,

mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

Oh, another one, AMD1953, At the very least, I must be honest with myself. I mean, I was sort of forced into recognising how I'd fooled myself,with denial, which is a kind of dishonesty, like lying by omission. That's what I did for at least 25 years of my life, hiding the truth behind a wall of omission & denial. & it came crashing down. Now I feel that being honest is much preferable. I can work with my truth, subjective as it necessarily is. My psychiatrist can too, but not when I don't tell him what's on my mind, when I try to skirt around the edges, or to back away as I used to do, into silence &/or denial.

& yeah, if you would like to share your 10 Life Lessons, I'd like to hear them.

Hugzies,

mmMekitty  

[Croix]

Dear AMD1953~

Greetings again, can I ask what the initials stand for today? Another Message Dispached 1953 perhaps?

Reading back through your posts over the last few years you have lived a rich, if not necessarily all pleasant life. In the process you have changed, from somebody very unhappy with themselves to now where you can say "I am already complete and unique as a human being". This is really a good thing to hear.

I guess it might be natural to want to put down 'single' in the census, but I don't have to tell you those two relationships helped place you as you are now, and some others reading this and your previos posts can see parts of themselves  and know it's possible to survive and grow.

Frankly I think you may still hold yourself more responsible than is fair to you. Two women were silly enough to marry me and stayed, one passing away and another popping up. I could just as easily met the same sort of persons you did and ended up twice divorced too. 

The only saying of yours I disagree with is about love and romance, I believe it is the necessary foundation for anything other than a long term business arrangement (and I was offered those but rejected them). I guess you were unlucky, not you were at fault or lacking. 

You are kind and gentle in your replies to Ems. I hope you dig up a couple of 1930 Proof Pennies with your trusty metal detector, at least you have a sporting chance, Roman 

Commodus, not so much.

Croix