Beyond the Blue Horizon

[amd1953]

I sense that I am approaching the blue horizon.   Even so, it retreats further away from me as if trying to conceal something important from me.   What is there to hide that is worth so much subterfuge?   What is it I need to know in this final stage of life?   Who knows?   Who cares?   Well, I certainly do.   I want to understand everything that comes my way whether it is meant for me or not.   Life is short enough without the sensation of feeling cheated and deceived.   The challenge is to discover how to cut through the nonsense that cloaks its true meaning.   If I were a camel, I would feel at home in the desert.   If I were a dromedary, I would, indeed, feel cheated.   See Wikipedia for camels/dromedaries.   Spoiler alert!   A dromedary only has one hump.   If I were searching for a new home, I would look to the exoplanets.   Cosmologically speaking, a much better place to permanently reside.   The moon would be much too close for comfort.   I am thinking another galaxy would be great.   Certainly within a short drive to the restaurant at the end of the universe for tea and crumpets.   Like Albert Camus, I am a rebel without a cause.   I choose the absurdist rather than the existentialist philosophy.   Everything in this life is engineered towards those with skills, talent and the will to succeed.   I have now lost sight of the blue horizon.   I am in freefall back to earth where I will lie quietly in the lush meadows and star at the blue sky.

amd1953

[white knight]

Hi, welcome 

Thankyou for what i read as a metaphor of your inner self of im not mistaken. That's special and such deep thinking is rare and even more rarely shared. I enjoy astrology but, as a poet I struggle to leave our planet especially since ive spent 50 years seeking ways to exist here, yes in my 20's I made several attempts to hermitage and never return, it didn't work, a compromise was found. The "at arms reach" method works for me and I can still live in the corner of the bush.

THE CORNER OF THE BUSH

Given society a gentle push
Arrived in the corner of the bush
Moved fast lane aside for harmony
Closer to ones own – destiny

Shadow moon shines infinitely
Night owls a symphony
Sitting arms in Buddha pose
Spiders allowed to dance upon my nose

Furry paws best caring hand
No shield needed in wonderland
No internet, no dog and bone
All the stones are never thrown

In the corner of the bush
Give society a gentle push
Blending bark with your skin
Protesters nearby – but they will not win

Children nearby ‘hide and seek’
We all end up as a compost heap
Fun and more fun echoes all around
Some life lived – some never found

Further and further into branches and leaves
Like us, do animals grieve?
Bush no need for duck and weave
Only matters – what you believe

Hark the bells of sanity
No mirror for your vanity
Rocks thrown from a cowards lair
I’m in the bush…no quarry there

Trip over plastic traps
Cradle broken bird in your lap
Send society with that gentle push
From the corner of the bush

(TonyWK)

(Many poems in "poets corner post your poems here- use search)

So this deep thinking, it unique, it's yours, have you got any mental health issues? O have bipolar2, dysthymia, under the spectrum high F.

TonyWK 

[amd1953]

Hello White Knight,

I am always afraid of saying too much or never enough on some of these posts to this forum.   Not everyone appreciates the depths to which some people might go.   It might be considered inappropriate in some cases.

amd1953

[white knight]

Not at all, I enjoyed every word. Your reflection does seem to reflect some low self esteem but that's not the end of the world. 

Considering many people never think of fantasy, dreams or any other brain exercise we create... to possess that is a gift, it is therefore rare and for like minded individuals it's comforting.

Can I ask you if you've attempted writing at all? I think there's some talent hidden away. 

Breathe easy, you are only judged in a positive way here.

Here's something to cheers you up

MY OWN CLOWN

I have a clown I hold in my hand

When I'm happy, he's a colourful one man band

And when he's sad, I see him through a blur

sitting sadly and moping, we both were

One day, one to forget

I watched him with arms begging

in circles walking, emotionally level pegging

I said to him- "why do you copy me clown"?

He sat and looked "I copy you when you're up, and I copy you when you're down

I stared closer to his face and got a shock to see

his face was so familiar...it was a mirror image of me...

TonyWK 

[amd1953]

Today, I went for a walk in the winter sunshine.   I sat beside a fresh mountain spring and listened to the stories it had to tell.   The older I get the more I find pleasure in the very simple things that life has to offer.

I like to escape the noise and haste of the city and make my way up beyond the treeline where the light falls of snow are lying like coconut icing on a cake.   I stop to listen to the wind through the tree branches.  

It is like a quiet whisper that carries the wisdom of the ages.   I hear the birds singing but they stay well out of sight because I don't belong here.   Eventually, the trees end, and I can look down into the valley below to where the city spreads out like a sleeping snow leopard.   I meet up with the stream again and stand alone, quietly watching the fresh clean water cascade over the mossy rocks worn smooth by age.   What a magical place this is and what a privilege it is to experience the peace and solitude it provides.

amd1953

[Eagle Ray]

Dear amd1953,

I just wanted to say that was so beautiful to read. Thank you for sharing it. Finding those moments of connection with the elements of nature are so grounding and stilling. It is truly magical, as you say. I really feel there are stories to hear in running water too, and in the wind in the trees. I feel even rocks hold memories and stories.

Knowing it was going to be wild, woolly weather today, I made sure I got out for a walk yesterday. I walked to a large granite rock by the river where rivulets of water are running across it and patches of green moss are growing. The first wildflowers are appearing already. I watched a cormorant skimming over the river's surface. The Quacking Frogs were in full voice, calling from near the river's edge.

Today there has been dramatic sweeping rain, rumbling thunder and flickering lightning. It's nice to be cosy inside and see the drama unfold outside.

ER

[amd1953]

After completing a few surveys online over the past week and doing my own research on certain mental health issues, I managed to tick all of the boxes that point to ADHD.   This doesn't really surprise me at all because I have had my suspicions since childhood.   Those charming little eccentricities that were regarded as cute or novel have now come home to roost.   The interesting thing about all of this is that it explains everything in one fell swoop.   The general consensus is to consult with a qualified professional beginning with your GP.   At the age of 72, I don't think making a big fuss about it is going to change anything.   What is the point?   I have lived with it for seven decades and it seems farcical for one more person to burden the health care system.   I refuse to take any more medication.   However, simply knowing about it is similar to completing one of those pictureless jigsaw puzzles.    It's just nice to know.

amd1953

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

This is a good post because you are entering your twilight years like myself and that puts us into a different mindset.

Unlike yourself I'm stable as can be for bipolar on medication, but, honestly, I wouldnt strive to seek the fixes I did in my late 40's. 

So what is important here is- if you have any mental illness the following is important-

• that your behaviour/actions dont effect your relationships
• that your personal life is manageable without pain and disruption
• That your sleeping patterns are tolerable
• that you listen to others assessments of your lifestyle and actions/reactions to others because some people are unaware of their affect on others.

The last one is interesting. I have bipolar, anxiety etc and I attended a therapist a few years ago. He took notice that I was very sensitive to loud noise. In fact I chastised my wife for yelling during a meeting with him. She siad she didnt yell, I disagreed, the therapist told me she didnt yell... it was that moment the interview took a different path and in the end I was told I was likely to be full functioning autistic. Well I researched that and yet another piece of the puzzle was confirmed in my mind (but I didnt get a full diagnosis because- same as you said at 70yo I could see the benefit). That gave me insight and help my wife and I understand why I reacted to different things more than I should.

BTW originally 20+ years ago I was diagnosed with ADHD. It was only 6 years later that it was found to be an incorrect diagnosis... it was bipolar. See the mania side of ADHD mirrored mania in bipolar. So, thats where professional opinion has its benefits. Dr Google can give us some possibles but also be entirely wrong.

Thankyou for your post

TonyWK

[amd1953]

Anything I write on this forum is not meant to be a "woe is me tale" but a conscious effort to ease the pain of memory of the past.   Experience has taught me that a lot of people, perhaps the majority, can suffer extremes and then just as easily shrug it all off as a bad deal and move on with their lives.   For those of us who find themselves in horrendous situations and are hyper-sensitive to every ripple in the matrix, we have to sit down and absorb the impact and then understand it.   I am one of those people and my invisible antennae crackle with static electricity when my senses are overwhelmed with data.   Carl Jung said that it isn't the external events or people that cause us the most pain but the way we process it mentally.   Someone once told me that I analyse everything too much.   The next day, in a book on writing, I read that all good writers analyse their surroundings.   I rest my case on that one.   I'm certainly not claiming to be good, but I do analyse everything.   Since childhood, I have to understand as much about the world that I can process, especially with people.   I don't expect everyone to agree with me.   If you are of a certain character and temperament, you will be empathetic and compassionate to everyone.   Even those who refuse to understand your methods or motives.   There seems to be so much sadness and anger in the world today that I have had to literally withdraw from the world due to mental overload.   We cannot control anything that is external to ourselves.   Harnessing the power of the mind is therefore essential to wellbeing and realising that this is an imperfect world.   You can't win them all.

amd1953

[white knight]

Hi, Re: "...just as easily shrug it all off as a bad deal and move on with their lives."  Dwelling is in my family. A classic example is in 1976 I had a physical fight with a fellow airman in the Air Force. I apologised to him in 1977 even though I drove 4 hours one way to do so and was rejected. Fast forward to 2012 and Facebook, I found his site. He's moved to Canada. Again now 35 years later I messaged him apologising again- rejected by being blocked. Confused I sort the discussion with friends, every one of them agreed that they would have forgotten about it after the first apology and not have driven 4 hours to do so. That gave me awareness that I was excessive in my hanging onto the past and my guilt was extreme.

Carl Jung was so right, our mental reactions are not mainstream normal. But like many things out of the ordinary, we can change some things, alter some a little and some we cannot change. Those things we cant change it is better to find acceptance. One good example of this is sensitivity. There is HSP- Highly Sensitive People that can account for up to 20% of all people. Then there's sensitivity based or originating from mental illness. Eg I got some of my excessive sensitivity from my mothers undiagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder and some from Dysthymia (constant low mood depression) that came from one childhood trauma. I've taken a heap of criticism from others about it but as I began to learn that it isnt curable my approach has been "well it isnt fixable so "please try to accept my sensitivity as part of my makeup"

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/sensitive-beyond-reasonable/td-p/165991

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/depression/highly-sensitive-people-hsp/td-p/480942

On the flip side some people lack all empathy. I've learned to accept that in them but like you I keep my distance from them. This is quite clear with them not showing empathy to mental illness sufferers.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/relationship-and-family-issues/they-just-wont-understand-why/td-...

The result is as you say hibernation. I see that as a good thing- self enforced boundaries that allow us a happier life especially if we plough our minds into a passion. I've had several- model airplanes, house building and trike building and many other inventive things like making a train out of a ride on mower where the locomotive continued to mow our lawns lol. Those things kept my sanity but toxic friends and family particularly narcissistic types are out of my life. That even included my mother and sister that were destructive. Very sad but essential actions for my well being. 

It is indeed an imperfect world. I've enjoyed your posts. Reply anytime if you like.

TonyWK