Beyond the Blue Horizon

[amd1953]

I sense that I am approaching the blue horizon.   Even so, it retreats further away from me as if trying to conceal something important from me.   What is there to hide that is worth so much subterfuge?   What is it I need to know in this final stage of life?   Who knows?   Who cares?   Well, I certainly do.   I want to understand everything that comes my way whether it is meant for me or not.   Life is short enough without the sensation of feeling cheated and deceived.   The challenge is to discover how to cut through the nonsense that cloaks its true meaning.   If I were a camel, I would feel at home in the desert.   If I were a dromedary, I would, indeed, feel cheated.   See Wikipedia for camels/dromedaries.   Spoiler alert!   A dromedary only has one hump.   If I were searching for a new home, I would look to the exoplanets.   Cosmologically speaking, a much better place to permanently reside.   The moon would be much too close for comfort.   I am thinking another galaxy would be great.   Certainly within a short drive to the restaurant at the end of the universe for tea and crumpets.   Like Albert Camus, I am a rebel without a cause.   I choose the absurdist rather than the existentialist philosophy.   Everything in this life is engineered towards those with skills, talent and the will to succeed.   I have now lost sight of the blue horizon.   I am in freefall back to earth where I will lie quietly in the lush meadows and star at the blue sky.

amd1953

[Daydreamer70]

Hi there, 

These are really deep and introspective reflections on yourself and life, thank you for sharing here. You seem to have a very wise outlook on the world and you're speaking about I think a lot of people can relate to. I particually related to the part where you write about your experience in school and having high hopes for leaving the system. I felt the same when leaving school, and now being out in the world I realise school is in many ways a micro version of society in many ways. Humans will always have their difficult traits throughout life, and it can be difficult to navigate at whatever stage we are in. And I think you are right, some adults really are more childish than the children themselves. That younger version of us never really leaves, we just get better at managing and masking it, some maybe more so than others. Acknowledging and accepting this part of ourselves is important and I think essential to being a better person. Awareness is the first step. 

If I may ask, what things do you feel you have in your life at the moment that make you want to become a better person? What things outside of yourself give you a positive sense of purpose? I ask this because I find these questions help me focus on the positive rather than negative aspects of life and the world. Maybe they could help you too. 

All the best, feel free to continue on this thread. 

Daydreamer 🙂

[amd1953]

Hello Daydreamer,

Thank you for your comments and interest in my previous post.   In answer to your questions.   I have always had a strong desire to be as good as I can be.   I cannot always say that I have succeeded.   My upbringing was quite severe which probably accounts for my fear of perpetual punishment for anything that was unacceptable to someone else.   What I have now is a resolve simply to be who I already am with perhaps a little bit of fine tuning here and there.   I don't thrive at all in society.

Whereas before I would listen to what everyone else thought of me and hold it all as some universal opinion.   Now, I have a lot less to do with society as a whole and I no longer allow anyone to diminish my sense of self-worth.   Having said that, my past tends to hang over me like a black noxious cloud, and it takes a daily effort to suppress the memories of the past.   As far as external influences go, I have to say that there are very few of those.   I have a deep mistrust of people due to past experiences.   Reading is my main consolation these days and of course writing is a true love.   When the two combine in harmony, I am in another realm of being.   The older I become the more I realise how precious one life is.

Kind Regards amd1953

[randomxx]

l'm lucky l suppose in that l have done most every dream l ever had but in saying that , it has costed me dearly.

So many regrets and wishes too.

That l was more cautious and not so gung-ho in life.

That l treasured more the things and people l'd had.

That l was more conservative bc if l was l wouldn't be where l am today in so many things, situations and ways.

l wish l'd handled bullies and troubles at school differently too.

l wish above all l'd handled many things with many people but especially loved ones differently too.

rx

[amd1953]

1.   An inheritance from a distant, unknown family member.

2.   The birth of my son.

3.   The realisation that I will not be here forever.

4.   The dissolution of my marriages.

5.   Staring up into the night sky and wishing I was a star.

6.   Seeing a rainbow and knowing that someone else already found the gold.

7.   Being the last member of a forgotten family of misfits.

8.   Telling a silly joke and wishing I had not.

9.   Writing something on this forum and realising I should have remained silent.

10.   Knowing that tomorrow always presents a chance to be better than today.

[amd1953]

Life just keeps getting better all the time for amd1953.   Mood swings, depression. anxiety, persecution complex and a perpetual desire to scream my head off.   Plus, I think I have lived my life with something akin to ADHD.   That would explain everything.   Well, most things.   Harking back to my childhood, I was far too garrulous for my own good.   Many's the clip around the ear from various teachers who found an easy way to shut me up.   For a while, that is.   Of course, that was back in the fifties and sixties when teachers were probably encouraged to use corporal punishment to transform your character into something more manageable.   No one in my family ever hit me but they probably wanted to.   They would just lock me in the cupboard under the stairs when things got a bit heated.   I used the time in there well because that is where all of my books were.   Now, I am lucky to see the page itself let alone what is on it.   But I keep telling myself that everything will be OK.   I hope so for my sake and everyone who is forced to listen to me.

amd1953

[Sophie_M]

Hi amd1953, Thank you for sharing this so honestly. There’s a lot of depth in what you’ve written.

Living with mood swings, anxiety, and that constant internal tension you described can be really exhausting. Thank you for sharing what you have been reflecting on through your earlier years and how some of those experiences may still be shaping how things feel now. Being shut away or silenced as a child can stay with a person in ways that aren’t always obvious at the time.

There is a real sense of humour and self-awareness in your post, even while things feel difficult. That line about telling yourself things will be okay. Sometimes holding onto even a small thread of hope like that can matter more than it seems.

If things feel heavy or you’d like someone to talk things through with, you’re always welcome to reach out to the Beyond Blue Support Service on 1300 22 4636. They’re there 24/7 and can listen without judgement.

You’re very welcome to keep sharing here too. There are people in the community who will understand parts of what you’re going through.

Kind regards,
Sophie M

[SucculentQueen]

Thanks amd, I wasnt able to find Owed To Solitude Part 1 but I enjoyed part 2, that quiet humour in your observations and memories.

Teachers have taken a while to evolve that's for sure. In the 80's I remember the chalk dust puffing off of the heads of hyperactive boys as the teacher swung around and threw her duster at whoever was unable to sit still. She'd send kids to the corner - always boys- and I'm sure it was all quite shame inducing for those 7-8 year olds. Many of them just kept on playing up from the corner, smiling towards their friends etc until they were out in the corridor. If those boys were bored to death by teaching styles back then I don't blame them. I remember when white boards came in around '88 they just graduated to throwing textas until throw things at kids wasn't allowed. I'm laughing now but what terrible examples teachers were in showing us how to react in unhinged ways.

As for home life, isnt it great they don't build houses with cupboards under the stairs anymore.  

[amd1953]

Greetings SucculentQueen,

Apologies for not being able to find my original Owed to Solitude.   It shows up on my list of discussions so I'm not sure what is going on there.   The references to my school years and the cupboard under the stairs cover my life in England.   I have commuted a couple of times from there to here.   I'm not sure what teachers are like these days.   Probably just as well.   Anyway, thank you for reading my post and for your kind comments.

Regards amd1953

[amd1953]

Hello Sophie,

Very kind of you to read my previous post and also for your very kind words of support.   I try to inject a little bit of humour into most things.   I don't take life too seriously.   I like to go with the flow as they say in the classics.

I hope that my constant chatter doesn't upset too many people.   I am sure they'll tell me if I do.

Regards

amd1953

[Guest_74586991]

Thanks for sharing. I'm glad you didn't remain silent. Sending you love