Beyond the Blue Horizon

[amd1953]

I sense that I am approaching the blue horizon.   Even so, it retreats further away from me as if trying to conceal something important from me.   What is there to hide that is worth so much subterfuge?   What is it I need to know in this final stage of life?   Who knows?   Who cares?   Well, I certainly do.   I want to understand everything that comes my way whether it is meant for me or not.   Life is short enough without the sensation of feeling cheated and deceived.   The challenge is to discover how to cut through the nonsense that cloaks its true meaning.   If I were a camel, I would feel at home in the desert.   If I were a dromedary, I would, indeed, feel cheated.   See Wikipedia for camels/dromedaries.   Spoiler alert!   A dromedary only has one hump.   If I were searching for a new home, I would look to the exoplanets.   Cosmologically speaking, a much better place to permanently reside.   The moon would be much too close for comfort.   I am thinking another galaxy would be great.   Certainly within a short drive to the restaurant at the end of the universe for tea and crumpets.   Like Albert Camus, I am a rebel without a cause.   I choose the absurdist rather than the existentialist philosophy.   Everything in this life is engineered towards those with skills, talent and the will to succeed.   I have now lost sight of the blue horizon.   I am in freefall back to earth where I will lie quietly in the lush meadows and star at the blue sky.

amd1953

[melodica]

Hello amd1953,

Thank you for sharing something so honest and full of life. Your words about being "the oldest child on the planet" made me smile. There's real freedom in that, choosing joy and wonder over the weight of what others expect.

I relate to what you said about not worrying over what people think, because they don't know why they're here either. Living with disability, the world has often tried to tell me how I should move through it, how I should be. For years, I tried to fit that mould. What I have learned, much like you, is that being me allows me to be me. There is no need for fear or favour once you stop measuring yourself against everyone else's chain of command.

Your image of a perambulation with no destination struck me too. Slowness gets treated as a flaw in this fast-paced world, yet it's often where the real noticing happens, the dusty lane, the fresh air, the losing yourself for a while. I find that same quality in music and in quiet moments of reflection. Thank you for putting into words something a lot of us feel but rarely say aloud.

[amd1953]

Every time I wake up, I get the urge to write something on this forum.   Most of it is the frustration of living an uneasy life.   My childhood was a mess and adult life proved to be even messier.   It all has a strong accent on being run into the ground and left there.   I have become so used to making personal bad decisions that now, when something good or positive happens, I question the very fabric of the universe.   I keep wanting to start again but every time I try, I am just that little bit older than the last time.   People tell you that it is never too late for anything.   Never too late to start again from where you are.   I can never be myself because the cost is far too high.   There is always a high price to pay for being human and alive.   The alternative is unthinkable.   I used to think that the world hated me but then I realised that I had not met the world, only a few of its agents of evil.

When the world turns its back on you, you turn your back on the world.   It has never met me halfway and there is no opportunity for compromise or any kind of forgiveness.   Perhaps it is too late to be forgiven.   But then how can that be when I hear that it is never too late.   So many false starts.   So many loose ends to worry about.   The past haunts me like a white ghost.   Always reminding me of something I said or did in the past.   Forcing me to relive it over and over and over again.   Attempting to stem the tide is a full-time job for me since I retired in 2018.  It is a roller coaster ride, and I know I shall never vanquish the demons that haunt me.

amd1953