Been down so long it looks like up to me

[GMarenghi]

Over the past years I believe that I developed an addiction to shopping online. Fortunately I never spent beyond my means and I don't have the burden of debt, however over the course of October, during which I did not buy anything apart from essentials, I realised that I had been using online shopping as a coping mechanism for loneliness and fulfilment.

I was not ignorant to this fact, however chose to bury the realisation holding onto the belief that I might as well have something good to look forward to because nothing else seemed to happen. A consistent theme throughout my life seems to be just waiting around for things to happen to me. Buying objects gave me control over an aspect of my life, and allowed me to experience, albeit fleeting and illusory, some kind of agency.

I was investing in materialistic objects partly as a way to foster a ideal version of myself. Without going into too much detail, I can confidently say that over the course of the past 12 years I have not made a single real life friend, been in a relationship or achieved any of the 'milestones' which seem to define an 'ordinary' life. By way of seeking honesty within myself, the absence of past coping strategies has left me feeling as if in a vacuum.

Honestly sometimes I look at my life and cannot believe this is how things have turned out. I am grateful to my parents but aside from my mother, whom I call multiple times daily, I do not talk to anyone or go anywhere besides grocery shopping.

Ultimately kicking the habit of online shopping has made me realise that I can be content with what I have without seeking materialistic objects. The downside is that I am at a loss now as to what to look forward to. I have attended meetups in the past, some have been good, but the friendships never seem to go anywhere. I truly have no clue as to how some people just seem to magically find their soul mate or crowd so easily.

What makes it worse is that coming into the holidays period everyone around me seems to have fulfiling social lives, exciting adventures, etc. I'm still looking at meetups but tired of being disappointed. I'm open to suggestions but again, do not feel hopeful when I have been let down so many times in the past.

[ecomama]

Hey Gee! Welcome to the forums. Maybe THIS can be your new addiction for a while? Lol. 

What a fantastic thing that your AWARENESS has sparked the need for CHANGE inside you! 
You are REMARKABLE. 

I'm gonna go out on a limb to say I think you're looking at things from the OUTSIDE IN. 

I'm no doubt FAR older than you lol... it always helps one's personal development to work from the INSIDE OUT. 

Replacing this addiction is important. 
Replacing it with many things that pique your interest in a healthy way could be a GREAT NEXT BEST STEP. 

I'd start by making a Dream Folder. LITERALLY. Get a Folder with plastic sleeves. If you DRAW on paper and slip these in... they'll be more powerful. 
I have had 3 now and more than everything came to me. 

Drawing the FEELINGS YOU WANT IN LIFE was all in my last folder and hey hey! They all came... 
JOY
GRATITUDE
BLISS
LOVE 
MEDITATION (ok I cheated with this one and printed out a Magnificent Buddha lol) 
HAPPINESS
ABUNDANCE of the right people in the right places. 

Next in your folder are ALL the things you've dreamt of doing, things that excite you! 

Learning how to kayak lol. Bushwalking, creating ART, being highly Educated! 
Whatever flicks your switches. 

Watch this space because the MOMENT you switch your energies to lighter, happier, more joyful? 
You will need some help with boundaries lol! 

More power to you Gee, 
Love EMxxxx