How to feel 'connected' without reaching out?

[Willow Jude]

Hey everyone, 

We know that a sense of connection is important for our wellbeing, but sometimes there are times when actively reaching out to a friend, family member, partner, etc. to meet that need for connection isn’t possible/realistic, for whatever reason. So I was wondering if there’s anything else you find is helpful to foster a sense of ‘connection’? 

I tend to: 

- engage with familiar content (TV shows, movies, music, etc.)

- watch YouTube channels I like where the creators seem to care about their viewers and engage with them like they’re a friend

- participate in discussions on the forums, or connect with other users on social media like Tumblr

- use Instagram stories to post things that my friends can respond to (e.g. polls, asking for suggestions, etc.) 

I would be really interested to hear your thoughts on this!

- WJ

[Croix]

Dear WillowJude~

You are certainly right that one does need to feel connected, at least at times, and you sound as if you have a pretty organized way of setting that up.

I"m afraid my own ways involve more actual interaction, I will talk with osmeone, either in person, or if that's not possible then on the phone -even Zoom/Facetime at times.

Then again there are the pets, Foxy Dog and Sumo Cat have their own characters (and can be quite bossy at times:) Foxy is also good for introductions when we are outside.

It is true I can come here, and after a long time have a number of freinds I can casually talk with, however that delay until  the reply comes in does not help.

That being said I'm quite happy on my own a fair bit of the time, and can read/watch/listen being totally absorbed.

I'd be interested to know what others do too.

Croix

[ecomama]

Hi Willow Jude, nice to "see" you again lol. 

I might be able to see what you're trying to say... is it like "connecting" with things with people IN them (like a show someone could watch) in place of connecting with people in real life? 

I'm glad you wrote that you'd be interested to hear people's thoughts on this..... 

My first thought brought me back to something I heard Brene Brown say, a participant at one of her workshops said "Okay I'm fine to TRY "vulnerability" but I'm gonna try it with myself first"... she tried to say you can't DO vulnerability with yourself but this person was insistent. This wouldn't work. 

Brene is a researcher on shame, courage, vulnerability and empathy which leads to studies on connection and whole hearted living too. 

So for me "connection" means IRL with actual people.
Deep connections, which I believe we're hard wired for, can only be felt with real people, IRL. 

So are the viewing, online interactions, etc a band aid? 
Could they be a practice run for those unwilling to be vulnerable and simultaneously know their own courage to jump into IRL interactions? IDK, for some people perhaps they are? 

Feeling vulnerable will always feel uncomfortable because as soon as it feels comfortable then it's no longer vulnerability. 
Tbh I'm more concerned with the trends OF only seeking far less meaningful connections online or feeling it's adequate to view things... it makes sense that this only plays to the ever growing fears within people TO reach out, pursue, make and RETAIN meaningful connections. 

Fractured relationships seem to be at the core of so many member's heart ache here on the forums. (Some are gone for good reasons too). 
Learning that we NEED healthy relationships is at the core of our healing IME. 

Am I off track? Sorry if I am, just my thoughts. Hugs. 

Love EM

[Willow Jude]

Hi Croix,

I’m glad to hear you have found some ways to support your sense of connection through interactions with others. And I loved reading about your pets! 

Thanks for your response 🙂

-WJ 

[Willow Jude]

Hi ecomama, lovely to see you too! 

You are definitely on track with what you’re saying. I completely agree with you about the importance of deep connections, and I do crave those meaningful interactions, but find myself in a position where there’s hardly anyone I can rely on for them. So when I’m desperate for connection but my only close friend is busy, or I’m unable to attend social events/hobbies, or the social support I need is beyond what can be provided by a casual catch-up, or whatever else it may be, I do turn to other things as a ‘band-aid’ solution (which I think is a really accurate way of describing it). 

But your post does do a great job of highlighting the importance of meaningful relationships and interactions and I can see that it’s something I should strive toward. I am starting to work on addressing the ‘dysfunction’ in my relationships, so hopefully I can take your insight to heart and things will start looking up. 

Thanks,

WJ 

[ecomama]

Hey WJ, I was eager to read your thoughts on where I took this lol. 

NOW you're getting even deeper! ..."I am starting to work on addressing the ‘dysfunction’ in my relationships" ummmm.... (excluding my insights lol) the "things will start looking up" <<< being the goal right? 

'Things looking up' meaning you'll feel better? 

Throwing a spanner in these works Willow. Of course you can DO whatever you want, you're a big girl now... here comes the butt, BUT do you positively KNOW there's dysfunction in these relationships? 
Tbh I expect that everyone has baggage more or less. I mean is it the relationship or the people? 

The thing I'm concerned about for YOU is if you throw tons of mental energy & TIME into pursuing meaningful relationships WITH the people you deem to already have dysfunctional relationships with.... isn't that like throwing good money after bad? 
Not that we should throw people OUT, no. 

As far as I would go with these ones is to use Brene's "magic sentence" when in an awkward discussion which is "The story I'm telling myself when you do X is that you think D, E & F about me. What's going on?"

My MAIN aim and yours too is this >>> to FEEL BETTER. 

So I'd barely touch the "fixing" stuff in the workshop. 
I'd fill my workshop time doing things that make me FEEL BETTER. Raising my vibrations to feel happiness and JOY. 

Because when WE feel better, what people say has far less impact, or no impact on us. 
Because we KNOW that they're speaking from a place of hurt if they want to hurl nasty words. 
Doesn't mean I'll give them more of my TIME lol, quite the opposite. I'll do the "pregnant pause". 

Then go off and make myself feel better! 
The most loving thing we can do for ourselves is to pour the LOVE INTO ourselves. Then Magic happens. 

Make any sense? 
Love EMxxxx

[Willow Jude]

Thanks ecomama, I really appreciate you taking the time to respond, and I love your perspective on things!

I guess by dysfunction I meant that I bring some less-than-ideal aspects to my relationships, and my idea of ‘things looking up’ is hopefully me being able to better manage these things and therefore have stronger/healthier relationships with others. I have Borderline Personality Disorder, which can show up as me being too clingy/obsessive, being ‘hot and cold’ with people, putting unrealistic expectations on my friendships, and even holding back from some relationships because I can feel myself becoming ’too much’ for others. So the people around me are great, I just know I need to work on being a healthier person within my relationships with them, which will hopefully come with me starting treatment soon. 

I really love your ideas on how we can support our own wellbeing in relation to the interactions we have with others, including the ‘magic sentence’ idea. I suppose it’s something that can get missed when we focus so much on the relationships and interactions themselves, rather than ourselves within them. I’ll aim to keep what you said in mind, and try to really consider my personal wellbeing as being an important foundation for my social wellbeing. 

- WJ

[quirkywords]

Willow,
I can connect by writing for others and reading poetry. I text family  and say hello to strangers in the street. I also connect with myself by being honest. 

[Willow Jude]

I love these ideas, thanks for sharing quirkywords! 

[Guest_1584]

Hi willow .

lt's a very natural need in humans as to in animals if you watch any pair of animals of just about anything their connection is an incredible thing.

Unfortunately humans in many circumstances have lost so much and the modern times of internets , messages, screens computers, isolation and so many busy lives these days, it's worse than ever in history . That's a fact but as if it needs to be, and getting worse by the day, a no brainer more like it.

l personally don't find anything even close to a partner , friendships for me can never be near on such a level and then of course there's touch and intimacy and deepest hrs together .

As friendships go though there's only 1 or two mates l rely on also, l'd say very often the case for many. But like so many now they're also very busy and have their lives, we might catch up every few wks. l love any time we do get but it's different again. My daughter also of course such a very special soul in my world, so special , somewhere in between mates and a partner haha.

l can't get anything like this though from anything other than human.Pets are different, nature- as beautiful as it is, shows or yt's, books or anything else. Things like that give a different thing and on a far lesser level of course but def' have their place for me in just relaxing, forgetting, unwinding .

rx