Anger, can you own it?

[white knight]

Some lucky people never get angry.  But they might possess faults elsewhere they
need to tackle.

My in-laws in my first marriage were the quiet types, very
quiet. I was loud, talkative and saw communication as essential when in the
presence of others…they would sit there and say nothing. As time went on
nicknames like “trumpethead” emerged to describe me. It resulted in – anger! 

But where did this anger lead? Nowhere. For you can have all
the anger in the world but you cannot implement tactics to counter the attacks that
would ease the anger. Eg revenge it. Counter it. Make things equal...unless you can out wit them.

Ever opened a letter from a service provider and you start
to sweat then it reads you were incorrectly billed and you are to receive a
credit? That letter becomes a “good letter” after being a nerve racking bad
letter. It favoured you. When things favour us we don't get angry. It goes our way. Anger can be the result of being cornered.

Anger can be reduced but unlikely to be eradicated from you.

This is due to your personality, your automatic means to cope with situations.
But anger in itself isn’t the problem. Anger is the spark, the reaction….what
comes after anger, what anger leads to is the problem for anger being an
automatic response is and should be ok…it’s the rage, the yelling, the abuse,  assaults, the revengeful actions…what
downloads from anger that we should address if anger is present.

Above all else its your response, no one elses. So feel free
to own it, to take responsibility for it to be yours. After all its ok to be
angry right? As long as it doesn’t lead to yelling, physical assault or other
reaction that is offensive.

So summing up. Its ok to feel anger. Don’t be ashamed of
having anger if someone criticises you for it, or any other natural feeling. As long as you own it and you
leave it at that. Allow time and solitude for the anger to subside to avoid the
download that could ruin your life. Take a walk, ask to be left alone for a time, change your environment...do what you know can give you the best chance to recover. Vent to a friend? Vent on paper.

Anger is ok but not what it leads to.

Tony WK

Tony WK

[JessF]

Hello Tony, this is another great post.  I read a lot from people on here that they wish they didn't have to feel angry, or sad, or depressed, or anxious, EVER, and this is not realistic. It would be like wishing you could go through life without having to wipe your nose or go to the toilet.  Emotions are bodily functions too, in their own way, but as you say we need to be aware of the connection between thoughts, emotions and the actions that result.  Finding a way to get a bit of time in between the feeling of the emotion, in this case anger, and the impulse to do something hurtful, is the key. 

Being aware of the thoughts is a good start. Rather than seeing anger as a big red monster that rages up by itself, take a little step back to see where that anger is coming from. For example, when your ex in laws called you names and felt angry.  What was the thought that came to mind that drove that anger?  How did you get to a place where you were able to "feel the rage and cope anyway"?

[white knight]

Hi JessF

I suppose I believe heavily in Karma. That one day the table will turn. And its proved itself time and time again.

Sometimes it doesn't come and in life we win some we lose some. If we "won" on every occasion we'd live in an unrealistic world. But yes, if we can accept anger as a normal emotion and not act on it? The world would be a better place.

Tony WK

[Elizabeth CP]

I agree anger is a normal emotion and all emotions are there for good reason because without negative emotions we wouldn't be motivated to change situations. As mentioned the problem with anger is the inappropriate actions it can lead to. Finding a space to think about what to do with the anger rather than reacting automatically. Sometimes you do need to act when angry but allowing time to think first ensures you only act in a way which will help rather than hinder. For example, years ago my son was on a youth camp and saw some boys throwing stones at his friend. He had seen someone lose an eye from stone throwing so he was very angry and concerned for his friend. This anger gave him the strength and courage to confront the stone throwers and physically restrain them so his friend could escape. Similarly people will use their anger to motivate them to campaign against something they believe is wrong. This is very different to allowing the anger to prompt you to hurt someone (apart from accidental hurt if you are trying to stop someone from attacking an innocent person)

[JessF]

I would like to believe in karma. A bit like Fox Mulder in the X Files, I want to believe in it!  I still try to cling to that sometimes, but in my life I have found it leads me down some dark paths.  Feeling I've been wronged, and turning to karma as a salve for the wound. I have found myself becoming obsessed about how that karmic retribution might take place, and sometimes even wishing for it.  When it doesn't happen, I get stuck in a self-pitying loop of the unfairness of the world, which does no one any good.  It makes me miserable, and it makes me a miserable person to be around.