When do you tell people?

[Aku]

I have been out for going on 16 years now and I still struggle with this. Generally I feel that I will tell people about my sexuality when it becomes relevant. I.e. if they hit on me or if I want to hit on them. But it does leave me in some weird situations. I am 90% sure that the people I work with don't realise I am gay, we spend 40 - 50 hours a week together and are otherwise a pretty tight nit team, but it never really comes up. On one hand it isn't relevant at work, on the other it sometimes feels like I am hiding from them, even though I do answer questions honestly. However bringing it up seems forced and awkward. What do you think when do you tell people?

[Hope_and_Love]

Hello Aku and welcome to beyondblue.

The question of when to divulge such sensitive information is a peculiar matter. There are several question I would like you to ask yourself;

How much personal, psychological weight am I putting on this?

Is it affecting me on a emotional, physical or psychological level with holding such information?

Do I trust my co-workers with such sensitive information?

Do I want to tell me co-workers such sensitive information?

Would divulging such information help me connect more intimately or do I want my relationship with my co-workers taken to the next level?

The point around these questions is firstly, what is your goal Aku?

If you could clarify your goal a little clearer the question becomes a lot easier to answer.

If you consider the team like your family and believe they will treat you as such, then helping them understand you in a deeper level would make you feel safer/better than, I would recommend it.

Regards,

M

[nevergiveup245]

Hi Aku,

i tell some individuals at work and not others. I prefer to tell people who I think will be okay about it, and avoid those who will react negatively. Do you have any LGBTI peers to ask advice from? I tend to ask an older LGB friend for advice on what to do. I am not sure if your goal is to come out or date someone from work.

[Paullus]

Hello Aku

I was engaged to be married due to peer pressure in a small community but after a sexual identity struggle during my teens and later, I realised I was same sex attracted. I called off the wedding without having had a same sex experience. I felt a huge sense of relief that I had finally accepted the person I was and then went about coming out to my family and close friends. Nothing else mattered to me at the time other than being honest to myself. I went on to work in a large organisation in the city and made good friends with a number of work colleagues. I didn't come out at work for the first few years and was living a double life and I was comfortable with that until I felt it was appropriate to confide in those colleagues that I had formed close ties with and whom I trusted. It worked well for me, there were no negative repercussions and no friendships lost. Aku, what I have found to be the most stabilising thought process in my bumpy life experience is to be on good terms with yourself, like and accept the person you see in the mirror each morning. When you achieve this, coming out is simply an extension of who you are. I wish you well.