Lesbian?, Christian, clingy, conflicted

[Little_Orange]

Hi. I'm a woman in my 30s. Mostly since I was 12 I have felt attracted to older women, but it's sort of mixed up with a feeling of wanting to be taken care of which seems childish of me and makes me question if I'm gay or just have a personality issue. I also have alienated good friends by becoming needy and clingy because I was lonely and confused, and because of that now I'm paranoid about being abandoned which makes the clingyness worse. I've never been in a romantic relationship with anyone. I have this belief that God will punish me if I pursue a romantic relationship with a woman. I've had people tell me that's not true but the belief is really entrenched and I can't shake it. A lot of my church friends think it's wrong to be in a lesbian relationship. And my non-church friends tell me that's ridiculous just don't think that way and do what you want. But the fear of punishment and the conflict I feel doesn't go away. I'm unhappy and don't like who I am and I don't like that I wear out my friends by being needy and overly sensitive. My psychologist doesn't seem to understand how real the religious fears are for me. She says I have GAD but I can't help thinking that maybe there's more to it, because of all the problems I've had in my friendships and how I read into everything they do that maybe they hate me, and my reaction is always over-the-top which causes them to actually get mad if they weren't to begin with. Also now I have a crush on my boss who is married which makes me hypersensitive to everything she says and makes it difficult to concentrate at work. Thanks for reading.

[Birdy77]

Hi Little Orange,

well done for reaching out.

I just wanted to ask whether you had thought about changing churches, i don't attend church, but i know there a plenty of churches that embrace you no matter what your sexuality. I was brought up in the church and when i was in my late teens i sought such inclusive churches as i came to accept that i was a lesbian. (I then left the church but have my own spiritual life).

Depends on where you live i guess, but if you're anywhere near a metro area, you should be able to find one somewhere.

Just a thought, and it may help you with your feelings because you said your religious fears are very real ... and it might help to be around christians who are accepting of you, and ministers who interpret the word of your God in a different, inclusive and loving way, rather than from a punishment perspective.

I know you mentioned other issues, but i just thought I'd mention that for a start.

Welcome to a caring and compassionate and non-judgmental community here 😊

🌻🌻🌻 birdy

[Little_Orange]

Hi Birdy. Thank you for taking the time to reply.Thank you for your suggestion to seek out another church. That might help.:)

[Forest_Critter]

Hi Little Orange, welcome to the forums.

Just a disclaimer: I'm not a lesbian, so my apologies if I appear to overstep my ground a little; baring in mind I'm totally accepting. I just hope my perspective may help, even if I don't entirely understand.

Back to you:

It appears as though the underlying fear which is affecting you the most, as you say, is the fear of punishment for the way you feel as a lesbian. It seems apparent from your description about your boss, and your feelings about how your attraction to women, as well as your perception of your 'clingy' personality, are both in fact resembling some symptoms of anxiety.

I completely understand that what you've learned from the church is deeply entrenched in you. However I think the result of this is that you tend to evaluate your feelings and behaviour based on such ideology. This may explain the conflicting thoughts about your feelings towards other women, against ideas from the church. I think the fear of punishment ultimately is a significant expression of your anxiety, as shown by the conflicting convictions it places on you being lesbian.

I believe that the paranoia you feel towards your 'clingy' tendencies with friends, and of your attraction toward women, is a symptom of anxiety, which is perpetuated in residence of the underlying fear of religious punishment for who you are. This understandably would cause great distress, and no doubt affect your relationships with people.

My advice is to delve into your conceptions of religious punishment - why you believe so, what is wrong - and evaluate these with your psychologist. Understanding that you ought not to be punished at all may help with your paranoia and other symptoms of anxiety. Relieving the friction between these two strong convictions - one based on who you are naturally as lesbian, the other based on values learned throughout life through religion - may be the best way of reducing your feelings of anxiety, and make you feel more confident and comfortable with yourself, thus taking pressure off the need to be 'clingy' with people as you described.

My apologies if I sound blunt. And what I've said above may be entirely false. In either case, I think it's amazing you've opened up to us as you have, and hope I was able to help.

If you'd like to unpack any of the ideas I responded to, or talk about anything else at all, I'm here for you.

All the best Little Orange,

- FC

[nevergiveup245]

Hi little orange,

i totally get what you are feeling. I am in my early 20s and come from a conservative church background. Since beginning to realise my sexuality, I left my old church friends and went to a church that was supportive of same sex relationships. You may not be a lesbian, or you may be as well, it’s a journey to discover one’s sexual identity. The fear of punishment is really painful, and it can be hard to reconcile faith and sexuality. Are you sure of your identity yet? I am asking because it can take a while for you to figure out who you are attracted to. Google genderbread and you will see romantic and sexual attraction can exist on a continuum. My journey has been 3 years and ongoing. There will be people who insist it’s wrong, but there are also christian theology that views same sex attraction and relationships as acceptable before God. It’s hard to reconcile faith and sexuality, but if you’d like to, you can read some theological perspectives that are LGBTI affirming.

-nevergiveup245