My family disowned me because I'm gay

[Qwertyunit]

I'm a new member here but quite young and joined because of a couple of issues that I hoped you guys could help out with.

I've recently come out to my family as gay/lesbian and they reacted quite badly. My sister has called me names, my mum has stopped talking to me and my dad doesn't accept it. They aren't Christian or anything, and I'm sure they migh be in shock but their reactions are affecting me quite a bit. I also have severe depression and these reactions are affecting it. The depression hasn't been as bad these past few days, because I was happy with my life, having a girlfriend and everything, but coming out to my family and them reacting bad has affected it. Any tips to help out?

[startingnew]

Ohh im sorry your family has reacted like this. i really hope that they will begin to accept you for who you are.

im not really sure i can help out with tips but there is a thread on here called LGBTI discussion and support thread

maybe a mod could link it in for you...?

they would be able to help you on there as well.

just so you know i am bisexual as well and my family would react badly too if i told them i also liked women

big hugs to you. keep being you ok and do the things you enjoy doing

[kanga_brumby]

Qwertyunit welcome to beyond blue forums unfortunately I don't think I can be much help. But recently my 18 year old came out telling me her preference. Which I accepted straight away, it's her preference not mine. It's not my job as a farther to tell her who to go to bed with. I suggest giving them time let them warm up to the fact that you haven't changed your still there daughter, sister. That doesn't change when you go into bed with someone. I hope they accept you for yourself.

Kanga

[Croix]

Dear Quertyunit~

It’s a horrible thing to find your parents, who you have always believed love you and would be on your side suddenly refuse to accept who you are.

I don’t have any magic answers, just a few thoughts that might help, though I guess the biggest help is the fact you have a person to be with who can be your support – your girlfriend.

First it most likely came as a surprise and a shock to your family, and it’s just human nature that things that are unfamiliar and far-reaching can take a while to adjust to, so maybe give them some time. Apart from anything else they may not know exactly what being gay means (some don’t even in this day and age) or may not know what to say.

Second try to make them aware that being gay is not just sex, but a whole normal lifestyle just as everyone else’s is, from paying the rent to going to work to .. well everything. Sex is only a bit of it – not the ruling thing any more than it is for them.

Try to let them know you are still the same person you have always been, the person they have loved and supported since you were born and you have not changed, or lost any of the virtues they loved you for, and you still love them.

It may be that this can take quite some time, or they may develop a ‘blind spot’, accepting you again - except the gay part. I’d suggest not being too demanding at the start, but try to work on any positives that are there.

Although I had major differences with my parents they did not end happily so I’m probably not as good a person as some to give my views.

Here we have a a meeting thread for light talk between all LGBTI people, you might want to drop in and see what happens (it’s friendly and not heavy at all)

Forums/ BB Social Zone / The Transcendent Rainbow Cafe - social space for LGBTI members

You mentioned depression, may I ask if this is something that has been diagnosed and if you are currently under any form of treatment? I ask as you are undergoing a very difficult, stressful time at present and probably feeling very isolated.

I’d also like to ask if you have others to give you support, other family members or other friends? People you can talk frankly to who will care and want to help?

Please come back and talk some more, no way are you alone

Croix

[MsPurple]

Hi Qwertyunit and welcome to the BB forums.

Kanga, Startingnew and Croix have offered great advice. All from different points of view. I also suggest going to the LGBTQI+ thread as Croix has shown you how to go to. We are really supportive on there, with users identifying themselves in their own individual way. Many of these users have struggled with family accepting them for who they are and they have been able to share their story and advice there. Maybe I'll see you on that forum

You say you are quite young. If is ok if you don't want to say your age but I was wondering if you were between 12-25? If so have you heard of the youth mental health service called headspace. It is a safe place and they are huge supporters of the LGBT+ community. They have a number of start from GP, psychologist, social workers, OT, mental health nurses and allied health professionals. They also have group activities, some of which are for the LGBT community. Maybe go to their website and call up your local headspace for more information. If this is not an option they have an online service as well. If this doesn't sound like it is for you, you could always go to your local GP (or find one on the Beyond Blue webpage) and they can refer you to a psychologist or other service that he thinks will be helpful for you.

You deserve to be happy and to be happy you have to be with someone you will love. Love is love and gender here doesn't matter. I know it is hard right know that your parents don't understand but we are here for you. I think they should come around.

[MsG]

Hi Qwertyunit,
So sorry to hear you're having a tough time. Hope I can offer some helpful tips.

I too was disowned by my family when I was 19, it's been 16 years... and it does get better. It's really important to know that, just because you're gay, it does not change the person your parents raised. Stay connected to your morals, values (even if they are religious) stay true to yourself.

Secondly - there are people in the community that can help guide you. If you're in school, confide in a teacher you trust and they'll definitely shelter you from the storm. Get out into the community and find a "gay elder", they will help keep you on the right path.

Thirdly - it's really important to form new connections with people. Join a sport and form new friendships and relationships. The fitness aspect will also help with the depression.

Most of all, know your family does love you.... it just takes time.

Coming out to family, means they have to mourn the loss of a child they thought they knew. Their feelings are not your responsibility.

My gay elders always used to say to me "you are not your sexuality. You are the person your parents raised you to be. Prove your worth by who you are, sexuality does not change that".

hope this helps... be kind to yourself, and know there's others out there, just like you. Stay strong, stay positive, this too shall pass.

xxx