Married Gay guy with 2 kids

[Karthik]

Hi All,

After 14 years of marriage, I came out to my Mrs nearly a year ago. Have 13 years and 6.5years kids. It’s been hard year to live together with clashes time to time, no connection whatsoever between us like use to be. She’s still angry with me being myself. She expect me to live together and stop whatever I do as I was in the past. It makes me so hard even after I’m saying that I need to move on and live my life. She and her family thinks I’m so selfish fella and don’t care about her and kids. I do love my kids dearly but at the same time, I didn’t want to live a lie anymore.

She kept saying I’m the whole world to her and she cannot do anything else without me. It makes it so hard to tear apart from her. I am in a situation like i came out from the closet but forced to go back to closet now. Not sure if this is any healthy for my mental health if this continues. Please advise on this what can I do? Thx

[Just Sara]

Hi and welcome Karthik;

Well done for your courage on reaching out here at BeyondBlue forum for support. I hope I can help you support yourself in making the decisions you're facing at present.

It's obvious you're not happy with life and living with your wife and kids. Going back into the closet as you say, isn't a great reward for coming out in such difficult circumstances is it?

In this section; Sexuality and Gender Identity, there are quite a few other threads from men who're in similar situations, or have gone thru it and are now happy. Please feel free to find and read those threads to see if you can gain from their experiences, or engage in a conversation.

Also, feel free to talk on this thread about your feelings and thoughts because it's always nice to get those uncomfortable things out of your mind and onto the page. It helps to free up your mind for other aspects of life.

It's painful living a lie. It's also painful having freedom, then losing it after the hard work's been done. Maybe there's a counsellor or psychologist in your area to talk with. Your doctor might be able to refer you? This could help you deal with the reality of your situation face to face with someone you can trust.

If you don't feel up to that yet, BeyondBlue 1300 224 636 is a phone crisis service where a consultant will talk with you. Lifeline 131411 is also available for real time talking.

I hope I've helped in some way. Please stay around and use the forum to help process and face your situation with people who care and know how it feels.

Kind thoughts;

Sez

[Karthik]

Hi Sez,

Thanks for all your kind words. It means a lot to me.

Wow what a big day yesterday. She’s initiated that she want to get Seperated now as it’s a torture for her to live with me and see me sad. We now agreed to separate under the same roof. Even though I feel so much relieved, equally I’m feeling sad for her to go through this pain and suffering. I hope she gets better by time.

Regards.

[white knight]

Hi Karthik

Yes I agree with Sez, professional guidence is desirable.

I would not be remaining under the same roof. That would be torturous for all. Kids are resilient so you should imo support and comfort but not shield from reality.

I'd rent nearby and express to your wife that her hurt is unavoidable. That she being the mother of your children means you'd like to support her in years to come but your sexuality is inground and part of you.

Doing your best for everyone else is all you can do and it is indeed enough. You can offer care and comfort but you cant erase the truth.

Google

Topic: not conventional? - you are still a jigsaw piece- beyondblue

Topic: your own worse enemy- beyondblue

Topic: accepting yourself, the frog and the scorpion- beyondblue

Tony WK

[Karthik]

Hi WK/Sez,

thanks for your reply. It’s been hardest day yesterday. She said the night before about separation but she didn’t even mean it. She’s still loves me dearly and has jealousy, possessiveness on me. She’s been angry, crying, begging for my love. It’s heartbreaking moments for me now. Whole family knows about this now and everybody hates me and they couldn’t believe that I’m so selfish and ditching the family for sexual pleasures. No body understands the bottom of it what I’m how I feel. I already sacrificed my life for 14 odd years sake of others and looks like they want me to do that rest of my life.

After all now I realised my true self and wanted to live the way I born. No body understands this situation and I’ve been honestly having suicidal thoughts as a simple fix.

I love my kids dearly and wanted to support them growing surely. Same time I cannot continue to suppress myself for the rest of my life. I’m in nowhere now and don’t know what should I do from here.

[Karthik]

Hi WK

thanks for the links you’ve provided. I’ll read them. Cheers

[Just Sara]

Although I agree with Tony about living under the same roof, I do hope it works out if this is your decision; time will tell.

My thoughts are about your kids who're seeing your sadness and your wife's feelings/responses, but may not be expressing how it affects them. Kids don't miss a trick! They're extremely sensitive to what's happening around them, especially in their home.

I'm wondering if you've both discussed this aspect (re any conflict or your sexuality) while living together.

Caring thoughts;

Sez

[Karthik]

Hi Sez

I agree as well. Only time can tells what will happen.

That is my concern as well that kids will affect due to the conflicts at home. Poor thing they’re helpless. However, so far they seems to be fine.

we haven’t discussed about this kids aspects as we haven’t came across any major concerns about kids due to conflicts unless we overooked them. Hoping to find an answer soon on this.

Im having a counselling session on 19th who specialises in LGBT area and hoping to get something out of it. Issue is my wife and family only thinks their point of view. I hope some miracl happen soon. Thanks for all your efforts.

[Donte]

Hello Karthik and welcome to this forum,

Well done for your enormous courage to accept who you truly are and to come out to your wife and family.

After 15 years of marriage and with a 9yo at the time, I also came out to my wife back in 2005. The first year was very similar to what you are experiencing now. We tried counselling, conversion therapy, various spiritual and religious type of supports etc.

I wanted to leave and experience my authentic self and live a life that is real to me instead of pleasing everybody else and doing the right thing for everyone but me. I was simultaneously torn between the love for my wife and my daughter and being gay and my need to be intimate with another man and share my life in my truth. The hurt was tremendous on both sides, but necessary when one discovers or finally gets the courage to accept who he truly is. Inevitable people will get hurt. Especially your intimate partner but they'll get over and they will understand eventually that this is for the best. (No one wants to continue living a lie).

What I found very supporting during those first turbulent years was attending groups at the Victorian AIDS Council like 'Greek and Gay' (they have many others like Jewish and gay, Muslim and gay etc) and Gay And Married where I met numerous guys in my situation and from similar backgrounds with multitudes of things common. The benefit of these meetings was immeasurable and it made me realise that I wasn't alone and helped me develop my very first gay friendships and supports. This assisted me to develop my own identity as a gay man and ex married and supported me in navigating the gay community and continuing being the father that I am to my daughter (whom I had full custody and have raised with my gay partner). Other groups like Momentum and Relationships were also very beneficial. On top of these I was reading a lot of literature on gay relationships and families and personal development and was attending regular counselling sessions.

Things got much more easier between my ex-wife and I once she developed a new relationship with another man and I fell in love with mine! Once we both had partners and the divorce was issued, properties sold, custody of our daughter arranged, everything became much easier. To the point where all four of us (my ex wife and her new husband, myself and my boyfriend) and our daughter would go to the movies and have BBQs etc. My ex wife is still my greatest supporter and advocate for gay rights!

[Just Sara]

You're so welcome Karthik;

I'm so very pleased you have support from the LGBTI sector on its way. A great avenue of encouragement and learning with living your truth in a practical way.

I'm also glad you're contemplating discussing the effects on your kids with your wife. As I've said, kids take in everything and may self blame. This isn't your fault of course, it's just how kids explain things they don't understand. Eg.. "It must be this or it must be that" Your counsellor can give you ideas about how to approach this very sensitive issue.

I see Donte' has come into the conversation. (Hey Donte'! Big waves!) What an inspirational and encouraging post. I hope he's helped you feel more confident and hopeful. 🙂

Navigating the gay scene is one aspect of coming-out that often arises in discussions on BB. I've had my own troubles in this respect. Still do, but that's for another time.

My concern is that your situation starts to feel like a process that has a beginning and an end in sight. Floundering as you've been doing is heart breaking. Having a plan makes more sense don't you think?

Anyway, thankyou for your kind words. You know you can write here anytime ok.

Gentle thoughts;

Sez