what if i dont want help

[644Amy]

hi

i have joined this community today as i thought i needed help.but as i read all the other peoples problems i feel as if im just being a winger as my problems seem very small in comparison.

I am a transgender girl and

i am just feeling very alone on my journey.i get very sad and have thoughts of harming myself and im supposed to ask for help when this happens,but at that time help is the last thing im going to ask for.

Is there a solution to this problem.

Regards Amy.

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.


 

[Neil_1]

Dear Amy

I don’t think you would have been human if you weren’t feeling a bit terrified or nervous about the initial phases of the party – but you went, you were accepted and welcomed and it sounds to me that it was a good night.  Damned awesome.  🙂

That’s great news for what you’ve got mapped out for Christmas day – something happening for three different timings during the day;  I bet the breakfast will be very special for you.   And a great thing to do as well to get together with your friend during the evening.  Being occupied at these other times is the key, just to help you through.  But I’ve got no doubt you’re going to go great – the courage that you display is here for all of us to see and it’s that courage that will help you get through tomorrow (in the first instance) and then beyond that.

Just to let you know, I’m having the Christmas that our family really enjoys tomorrow.  Just my partner and our two kids (16yo son and a 14yo daughter) – prezzies first thing and then we get to play with all our toys.   Of course, I’m going to continue to keep the tradition going of “Santa” coming down the chimney, opening the door to the fireplace and scattering all the Christmas cards all over the place;   and then putting a trail of tinsel from the fireplace through the house to the Christmas tree.  Oh and the empty beer bottle for the morning as well.  🙂

Neil

[644Amy]

Hi neil

You sound like an awsome dad.

I miss mine.

I have responded to you yesterday but it hasnt come thru yet. The hardest part for me will be taking the boys home, and then leaving.i feel like crying now just thinking about it.

I hope you all have a great day tommorow.xx

[644Amy]

Hi again

I know i said i was leaving but i cant keep this inside of me.i am having difficulty writing the appropriate content for this forum so my posts may seeem a bit random.below is a previous post i have modified from yesterday.

I feel that im living my life along this knife edge and any small thing sends me falling one way or another,I was having a happy morning shopping as Amy and this woman decided she would stare at me and give a dirty look,at the time i didnt care as im used to it now, but i felt my energy level and happyness just drop down within about 10min.it took me a week to get it up and then something so small brings it down again.i feel that i want help but dont know what to do.i dont want to talk to family about it. I want to ring the hotline but im not harming myself so i feel i cant ring it .i really am on this emotional rollercoaster going up n down and this is where i get stuck. Sometimes i dont have the willpower to get back up the hill.Or maybe i just dont want to have the pain of coming down the hill so i stay at the bottom ?????But on a good point before this happened i have a cruise booked for march that i was going to give to my niece, i purchased a few clothes to wear on this cruise.I think thats a good sign of looking to the future.And i have never stopped taking my female hormones so thats also a good sign i think.But i feel i need to talk to someone and have a good cry.but i find it very hard to let that person in as i tend to always get hurt when i let people in.but i can here as i feel safe here. It doesnt take much for me to fall of my edge these days.

Today i am trying to do my part of dinner for tomorrow and i cant focus its 1.00 and i havnt started yet.the thought of not being with my family tomorrow brings me to tears and i am having difficulty.

I dont plan on harming myself but im just mentally exhausted today, ive had enough for the day and there is 9 hours to go.  Amy.

[644Amy]

Merry Christmas everyone

This is going to be a very hard day. Its 5.45 i woke up crying and i feel terrible. At least i wont be alone for long periods so i will be safe. Hope your day has started better.Amy.

[Neil_1]

Dear Amy

MERRY CHRISTMAS to you.  🙂  🙂

Thank you for posting your thoughts and feelings - it was so great that you were able to do that - and you quite rightly say, you feel fine and safe on here;  which is all about what this site is about.  The anonymity, BUT the knowledge that on the other end of the keyboard, there ARE real people and real people who genuinely care for one another.

I did read on the previous page, where you felt you may have to leave.  Of course that is your own decision and no-one here can make you stay - but I would be sad to see you go;  I feel in the very short time that you've been here that you've been able to express so much;  and in a way, I think it's been beneficial to you;  as a sounding board for you - to unload, to vent, to share.  And if we've been able to provide some "ok" advice to you, then awesome;  or to simply provide you support to help you through, then that's even more awesome.

Yes, I imagine today will be hard for you - but if you can keep yourself occupied as you suggested yesterday, that will go a long way to helping you get through.

Re:  that waste of oxygen person yesterday who gave you nasty looks and stares - all I could come up with would be to go over, smile and say something like:  "you don't look overly happy, so I do hope that things get better for you as your day (and life) go along".   And then turn and walk away.  I reckon that'd be a great way to handle morons like that.

Kind regards,  and I hope you're doing ok today.

Neil

[644Amy]

Hi friends

Woke up today and feeling like a normal person.

Yesterday i woke up feeling suicidal but im ok now.

Why i have woken feeling so different i do not know.i hope i have some energy today.Amy.

[geoff]

dear Amy, when we go through the realms of becoming stronger and trying to overcome our problems of depression in all it's horrible forms, we do have good days and bad days, because it's very difficult to actually wake up and feel 100% better on a daily basis.

So what you have to understand is that these good days start to build a foundation for your health, being very technical here, and on bad days then perhaps half way through the day you might pick up and start to feel better.

It's these good days is what you have to be proud of, but if however you do feel suicidal, then have a think about these good days, I know it's easier said than done, but please remember those phone numbers.

I am so pleased that you have contacted us again, and can I ask you a question with my tongue in my cheek so to speak, how are you feeling on a general level since you first came to the site, and please Amy no little white lies, because I will tell you what I think. lol Geoff.

[644Amy]

I have dificulty writing the correct content for my posts,thatswhy its been a few days.

It all makes sense what you say to think of the good days but i am finding it hard to want to feel better, its like i want to feel sad.

with your question i feel the same as when i came on here the first time.

i have been using the chat service on here and i used the suicide callback chat also to reachout to people.I have made a list of reasons to live as im supposed to and i will keep it near me,and i have all the numbers on my phone.I think i do need help its just wanting it is the problem.i dont think i do.

Regards Amy.

[644Amy]

Hi geoff

I agree that i need to think of the good days, its the only way to help yourself.

To answer your question, i feel the same as i first did when i came on here.

Beyondblue were good enough to contact my local mental health unit for me as i was not going to do it myself.i feel the same inside but now i feel scared to think about suicide,i dont want to be taken away.that realy frightens me. I was worried last night they were going to come and get me as they know who i am now.so now i fear thinking about suicide.but thats probably a good thing.i will try and keep posting hope this one gets thru to you.amy.

P.s. i am safe.

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

 

[geoff]

dear Amy, sorry I've missed your replies, time and days just go so quickly.

Thanks for telling how you feel now, but maybe you are able to talk about the situation you are in now more freely, and if you feel the same (and please tell me if you don't think so, and again no little white lies lol) as this, then there is a slight improvement from when you started to post, but wait there's more, now you can ring up these phone numbers and talk about how you are feeling.

From the outside for me that's an improvement, but then it's not to say that you have agree, because the question still remains can I see you in those woods or have you decided to peek your head out. lol Geoff.